(Journal time again~!)

The beach night was at Costa this week. It was not a bad night. Nor was it overly memorable. Well not as much compared to some of the others things that happened this past week.

I spent the night talking with Nate and Chloe mainly. Though Oni left a note with me before he left. Saying we needed to speak so I could give my report on the work Tara an I were supposed to have done. I put the note away and continued to converse with people present. I would worry about it later. The reports had waited this long anyways.

It was at dinner the next night that Oni decided it was a good time to pull me aside for those reports. I left Nate to speak with Rhisi about joining us for some work. We headed off to my room where I left my papers an the armband I needed to give to Oni.

I gave him my report. An gods be damned if I did not feel like I had somehow kicked a small cute creature after Oni had left. He was… So quiet. So unlike himself. Well unlike what I had grown used to knowing. I felt like I had surely done something bad. I returned to join those that remained at the table. Oni’s silence was unnerving at the very least. I wanted to scream an demand to know what I had done. All I had done was give my report as he had asked.

I had promised Nate a reading after dinner. Most of the others had wandered off for the night. An I needed a distraction from the fact that Oni was behaving like that. So we headed downstairs so I could use the table down there for the reading. The table that was setup for Triad was a good place to work with the cards. It all started out well as I used the Trinity spread. It was not until the third an final card that I became worried. It was a warning of sorts. At least from the way I was interpreting the meanings. I am still learning after all. It called for vigilance. That some quest ahead would be dangerous for him. I hoped the warning was not needed. But I asked Nate to promise me he would be careful an ask for my help if he needed it.

I was busy most of the next day with work of my own. Well most of the day. I might have set outside of the yard hiding behind the fence later that evening. Aimee and Oni were in the yard. As was Tara who had just gotten back home from helping her family with the harvest. I was sort of snooping, still curious what was going on with Oni an not wanting to outright confront him. Eventually Nate arrived an nearly gave away my position. Thankfully though Oni left with Aimee and Quarcy to head to Ishgard. They were off to investigate some leads.

I joined Chee for a short while before the mid-week mission. We did a little catching up on the things that had been happening in our lives. We enjoyed some drinks for a Lady’s Night at the Last Bell. Sadly too soon I had to say goodnight to Chee. Rhisi had given us the call to begin heading to the house for the mission.

Our next mission was back out in Southern Thanalan again. Nate joined us as a guest. Apparently there were more shepherds then the one we helped. We were looking for something to help remove petrification. Hopefully it would be something more effective then Dusk an my attempt before. That was a bit too much for two people to have to do repeatedly. We found something worth trying an took it back to the two groups, one of shepherds an one of sheep. I still do not understand why these silly shepherds even decided it was a good idea to try an do what they do in Southern Thanalan of all places.

My mind was on anything but the mission of course. Between Oni’s behavior and the reading I did for Nate. I felt like I was ready to jump at every shadow. I was worried something could happen. Worried out reaper friend would choose to attack again. I excused myself early from the half of the team I was working with. My mind was just not focused. I returned to the house.

Raiden was there. As well as Rhisi, Konner, and a guest. I hated asked Raiden for a moment of his time with a guest present but I really needed to at least get something off my mind. I asked him an we went to my room to speak privately. Of course he had to bring a cake with him which he decided to snack on.

I finally asked Raiden to tell me what I did to Oni. I -needed- to know. It was driving me mad. Apparently Oni thought I no longer wished to be his friend based on my behavior towards him. I was… Mad. Confused. Frustrated. Never once did I want to hate Oni. Oni is… different and frustrating. But I could never really hate him. Even if he says things he did not clearly mean. I assumed his words meant one thing when they meant something else. To be honest his words were not exactly clear either. Raiden does not think we need to apologize to each other though. I guess I need to work on my people skills…

Though I did steal a slice of that cake from Raiden’s hand towards the end of our conversation. I could no longer resist the temptation he was holding. Of course then I made a comment that he probably enjoyed me making Oni into a mummy. Which lead to him making a comment of … No I am not writing those words. I thought for sure I might melt alone hearing that comment. I bid him goodnight an pushed him towards the door before he could add more comments of that type.

I was late coming home the next night. I had a bit of work to do. I arrived to quite the mess. Chocolate spatters, shirtless men, and a partially damaged cake dragon. Apparently it was Raiden’s nameday. An I did not know so I did not have a gift for him.

Somehow the conversation lead to my lost bet to Felix. Great. Now Raiden knows. Let the endless harassment begin. Eventually a guest arrived. She commented on Raiden and I. It is not a courtship ritual! Raiden and I are not like that… I don’t think we are… I think he just enjoys leaving me flustered and blushing. Then Raiden just had to lean in an add something to me privately. Twelve save me… He made the comment from the night before worse… I wished I could just disappear.

I used the chance of Raiden being distracted by Anais to disappear up the stairs. I needed a drink. Badly. Nate was up there at the bar an I had almost totally missed the fact he was there because of the addled state I was in. We spoke for a bit. He finally opened up to me a bit. I was happy to listen, to understand him better. We’ve both lost people. We both don’t want to lose anyone else. I think together we can make sure not to let that happen. Not alone. That is one of the things I always hear repeated among those of this company. Not Alone. None of us here are ever truly alone. Not as long as we have each other.

Not alone. It’s been a long time since I could ever truly appreciate those words. Being here.. Among those of the Order… It’s been a much needed balm. My friends of ‘The Outsiders’ gave me purpose an the needed push to keep moving forward. The Order has given me what I’ve long needed to begin to truly heal. I wanted to hold Nate’s hand an never let go. He has become such a precious friend to me. Just as the rest of the Order. I won’t let anything happen. Not to any of them. No matter how frustrating and confusing they can be at times. They are my family.

Anyways! Our mission last evening took us back out to Southern Thanalan again. More dealings with the shepherds and looking for answers on what was going on. Apparently the golems were not behaving properly over towards Qarn. Half the team went to check with the nearby beast tribe. I was with the other half dealing with the golems. We gathered up golem cores to try an figure out what was going on with them when Dusk’s attempt to reason with them went unheeded. I brought samples with us back to the house. The aether of the area was too turbulent to be able to figure anything out from there. But it sounds like we will soon be making a trip down into Qarn.

(Journal time again! ^^ A little delayed. Been trying to recover from all the work. So many hours. @_@ Ugh. I did not get to do more then 1 learning party so far for Sophia Ex. But we were up to the healer check. So we made pretty good progress. I did get most of my other content done. Though I still have half my alex stuff to do. XD Which I will do asap once I get done with this entry. Oh! AND! I finished my hyperconductive stage of my Relic! 😀 Yay Word of the Magnate! Destiney finally hit lvl50 on PLD. My first 50+ tank class. ^^ Also making fair progress on Lance. He’s lvl 28 atm an ready to head into the next dungeon.)

Dinner was a rather quiet affair this week. Well other then Nathaniel stopped by. I was glad to have him to speak with. I checked on his well being out of concern since I did remember he had suffered a failed hunt the week before. He insisted he was fine. I hope he is. I… I don’t know what I would do if something happened. I don’t want to lose his friendship so soon.

Oni arrived while I was talking to Nate. I could feel his stare. I asked him if there was something wrong. Making sure to address him properly with a ‘Sir’ as well. He said it was nothing before whispering something over his shoulder to Raiden. I wanted to ask what he was whispering about but I did not. I let things go at that. I think Nate noticed the tension I held towards Oni. It is hard. Trying not to relax back into the way things were around Oni. I’m not ready to forgive him this easily. Though at the same time I’m not -as- angry as I was. More so… Disappointed.

Speaking of Oni… I still have not been able to catch Leera to check on his well being either. I’m worried but I am not about to try going over to the Castrum just to check on someone like Leera. It’s been a week though…

The mid-week mission was rather tame. We built fencing for that Shepherd from the week before. No sign of our ‘friend’. I helped C’lest with bringing wood over for the others to build with. I guess it is a good thing I still regularly practice with my bow. Keeps me better fit then just casting spells would ever do. Definitely helped with carrying wood over that distance. Nothing of real importance occurred though. No attacks. Just a simple night.

Though… Our mission at the end of the week was far worse. The cards predicted a rough night for us. Well they predicted us encountering our familiar foe again. An they were right. The night was filled with attacks by our foe.

Things seemed to be starting off simple enough. We had to take care of the Peiste problem near the area where the Shepherd was. That was when we encountered a group of people who had been petrified. I did my best to try an halt the progress though I was unable to reverse it on my own. Dusk preformed some kind of strange magic using blood before having me try again. Thankfully whatever Dusk did helped. The people should have come around a few hours later. However we did not have a chance to linger. We cleared the area of Peistes before heading north.

A blast above us rained rocks down at us. I threw up a shield hoping to hold off the worst of the rubble. Thankfully the biggest of the rocks landed in front of us not on top of us. Blocking our path of course… We decided it would take too long to move or find another way. We would climb the rocks. Again I was thankful. I used to climb trees in the Shroud as a kid. This was not much more difficult. I just had to be relatively careful. I was also glad I had ditched the skirt in favor of something a bit more sensible for such tasks.

When we got over to the other side we encountered a new problem. Both Aras and Neiven managed to find landmines in the ground. Since Aras was more heavily geared then Neiven, I rushed to Neiven’s side first. Her legs were still intact but pretty hurt. I healed the worst of it an helped her to her feet. C’lest had chosen to carry Aras after she had done some fancy maneuvers with her fists an chakra to explode the rest of the landmines. We could not tarry here. It was not safe.

Chloe managed to find our reaper friend. We hurried to join her nearby. It looked like a small ravine separated us from the enemy. An somehow Dusk had managed to cross it without us noticing as we were being fired upon. I had thrown up a shield again though I did not have to hold it long before the enemy vanished as usual. Neiven helped to get C’lest to the other side so we could get Dusk back safely. I thought I heard a noise that reminded me of Oni’s cores. I could be mistaken though as I was hurrying over to check on Aras. She had finally regained conscience. She insisted she was fine. An someone learned the ground was not a ravine but a projection. There was never a gap between us and our enemy.

I was ordered back to the house with Aras and Dusk. The others would soon follow. I ordered both Dusk and Aras into the house so I could better check over them. Dusk passed out on the floor inside the house. I got Chloe and Aras to help me move her into her room where she could rest. I did not want to risk anything by healing her right then. Not when she had insisted I could not heal her hand because of the spell she had used on those people.

Once Dusk was safely in her room we headed back out to the main floor. I demanded Aras hold still an let me check her over. I thought I had glimpsed blood on her head when she had looked down at the leg she had stepped on the landmine with. Everything else might be fine but she had most definitely hit her head when the explosion had knocked her back. So I took care to heal it before then moving over to where C’lest was fussing over Neiven.

Neiven’s legs still needed further tending now that we were safely at the house again. I was feeling the strain of so much aether usage but I needed to do this. I finished what I had started out in the field. Quarcy had just arrived as I finished. I stood up an staggered a moment because I felt light-headed. Too much. I had once more pushed too hard. Though not nearly as hard as the week before. I really do need to work on strengthening myself.

It was just Quarcy an I for a moment. Chloe an Aras had gone off to drink. C’lest had gone somewhere with Neiven for the moment. I explained to Quarcy to events of the night that he had missed. An he did something I had never seen before. He asked for my hand. Out of curiosity I obliged him. He did some sort of transfer between us. It was an odd sensation but I felt better. Less drained then I had been moments before. Granted I was still physically tired from everything that had occurred. But now I was not also aetherically drained as well.

We discussed some theories on the enemy before C’lest returned. I let her give Quarcy her side of the events of the night. After all I had been distracted with healing a few times. Shortly after I excused myself for the night. I needed rest.

Other then that the days have been busy but uneventful. Nothing serious to note besides those few days.

(Yay a day off! An journal time as well. Can’t let another day pass. XD Might start to forget some of the details otherwise. That an Arthur agreed to spend today helping me clear content I have not yet gotten to touch. Like Alex 11 & 12 and Sophia. I am actually interested in trying Sophia Ex. First Ex I’ve been interested in learning since Ravana. Also I am roughly about 6 or 7 Umbrite remaining before my relic is ready for the next phase. Depends if I get luck on any extra sands. An I really need to start making some RP friends outside of my FC. *hides* Anyways! Journal! Yay! XD)

What a night. Total chaos is putting things nicely for that evening. The day after our mid-week mission that is. We had guests at the house. Tara and I dropped by after our work.

Tara and I had went about dealing with the tasks we had been assigned after my prank earlier in the week. Tara doesn’t like the conjurer’s guild. Or rather they don’t seem to like her. But my presence with her seemed to keep things to just dirty looks. After all my mother had once studied there an some of them know who I am because of that connection. Well probably also the fact I knew a few of them from injuries I needed treated as a child when my mother wasn’t home.

There was a rather colorful young lady visiting the house. Her name is Naho. I wasn’t paying much attention to our guest at first. I was sort of tired from all the work I had done already. So I was mostly content to linger beside Tara over towards the back.

Oni and Aimee came out of the back from the direction of the personal rooms. I still wanted nothing to do with either of them. But Oni stopped before us, holding out two small satchels for Tara and myself. I was still treating him as an officer as I asked what he wanted from us this time. Apparently they were chocolates. Made by Raiden. As a thank you… I couldn’t resist the idea of chocolates being given to me by Raiden… Though I can’t see how they are thank you chocolates. Our work was meant to be a punishment. Maybe apology chocolates from Raiden cause of Oni? I can’t begin to guess. Still… They were chocolates.

I was just silently munching on those chocolates as I stood by Tara. Then Naho came over. She wanted a chocolate. I was torn between sharing an hording my prize. I finally gave in since she was a guest an offered her one. Instead of taking the one I was holding out… She took the one hanging out of my mouth. I was speechless to put it mildly. Tara of course was amused by my predicament.

Naho then wandered off for a moment or two before coming back over. I tried my best to be nice. I was flustered though from that moment earlier. Not angry though. More of shocked an surprised. The moment was interrupted when someone mentioned the coffin in the storage room. Everyone headed in there. I figured it was best if I went in as well. Just in case someone caused something bad to happen.

It was chaos. Utter chaos. Tara dragged me from the room. Others abandoned the room too as C’lest and Neiven cornered poor Quarcy. Something about butt biting vampires. I was glad to miss whatever occurred next. I chose a spot outside of the rooms to sit down an quietly finish my chocolates. Well until Naho came out of the storage room an plopped down in my lap an made herself comfortable.

The girl was every inch confusing. An curious. Well I think it was the name she called out in her sleep before grabbing my hand. The tears left behind before she woke up an ran off. I guess a part of me was curious what caused that sort of suffering. As well as part of me knew that feeling. A longing for someone. Maybe I will seek her out an at least check on her well-being.

Tara an I went upstairs an got into Kagato’s stash of rum. We both needed some after our day. I needed something stronger then the wine.

The next day was another mission. We headed out to Southern Thanalan. Something about some shepherd needing help. Something about the whole thing seemed fishy to me. I can not recall any shepherds in Southern Thanalan before. There is not much in the way of vegetation out there. I was fully prepared to be facing our reaper friend again. Though I was also just slightly hung over too…

There was a strong dust storm as we reached past the gates from Central Thanalan. An Cactuars… Who were trying to make us into pin cushions. We ducked for cover as quickly as we were able. Many of us ducked into one of the gate’s towers. Chloe had some grenades of some sort she used to clear us a path to get out.

We ran down the road to try an get away. However there were more cactuars. An very little covering. I threw up a shield to try an protect us from the worst of the needles. I can’t remember who, but once more the path was cleared an we made a break for it. We reached our destination finally. I took a moment to catch my breath as Rhisi talked with the Shepherd.

We moved to deal with some local peistes who were bothering the area. An found one possible cause that kept drawing those creatures to the area. But before we could do anything to deal with the problem we were attacked. Some strange man in the strangest of outfits with a mask over his head. He sent more cactuars to attack us. Aimee, Tara, and myself threw up shields to protect the group from harm. So much shield usage was making my headache I started with so much worse.

I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have used that skill with the way I was feeling. I resorted to Dissipation. Daisy added her powers to mine to keep the shield going strong. My normal soft blue aether changing to a beautiful shade of turquoise as Daisy vanished in sparkles as her power became mine for a short while. My head was throbbing badly after that. Then Dusk added onto the aether I was already using for the shield. I felt like I might be sick. Too much aether… Of course it did not help any when Felix stood behind me an basically used my shoulder to line up his shot at the enemy…

I collapsed after the enemy vanished an the attacks halted. I was glad it ended when it did. I was afraid I might pass out if I had to hold that shield much longer. I was only vaguely aware of anything after that. Dusk had helped me to my feet an onto Jazz’s back, Tara’s chocobo. I don’t think I could have made it back to the house on my own. Between the throbbing of my head an so much aether usage to the point of nearly being sick…

Back at the house I picked a spot to sit on the floor against the railing of the stairs leading down. Tara plopped down beside me an we just sat there for a while, both exhausted. Rhisi eventually arrived back at the house an brought the two of us some bubble chocolate. C’lest had been kind enough to bring us some water an cool towels. I was thankful for their care. I don’t think I could have moved if I wanted to.

I was feeling slightly better the next day. Well enough to meet Felix for our drinking date out in Coerthas anyways. I just figured I would take it easy on the drink since I was still fairly drained. We got to talking an eventually I made a bet with Felix. So we left the tavern an went to my house in the Goblet. I bet him I was a better shot then he was. I guess I shouldn’t make bets when I’ve had two glasses of wine.

It took me two shots to hit the wooden sword on the dummy in the yard. It took him one… Damn him. The bet was if I won he would let me do his next check up. If he won… Damn it… I have to wear that Thavnarian dress for a week… My cheeks are burning just thinking about it. Thankfully he didn’t mention what week I have to wear it. Hopefully I can find a week where I won’t have to see Raiden much. I’ll never hear the end of it. Hopefully it is a week I won’t have to see Nathaniel or Leera either. I have never worn that outfit since the night Leon made me.

Yesterday I went to join the others at the Mist near Oni’s house. I mostly kept to myself though. I was still trying to regain my energy. I really shouldn’t have relied on Daisy like that. It is so very draining because I am still not strong enough. I guess I really do need to practice an make my aether stronger. Not that I plan to let Oni know he won in that regard.

Quarcy came to talk to me for a short while. He had managed to find a nice prize. A scholar soulstone of his own. He was asking questions on how it might be possible to awake then fairy slumbering within. I gave him my opinion an told him what I knew from working with Daisy even though I had never had to awaken her from the state like the one he had found. Mine had been passed to me by my Uncle.
After Quarcy left I mostly sat there an half listened to other conversations going on around me.

I thought I heard Felix mentioning something about shooting Leera… I was only half paying attention though. Maybe I misheard him. I will have to check into it personally. Not that I think one shot would be enough to put any of the subjects down so easily. Still… I was concerned for Leera. Though I probably shouldn’t be.

Eventually I dozed off for a time before heading home to actually find my bed. I was apparently still more tired then I thought.

(Journal entry time again for Dest. Not nearly as soon as I would have liked to though. Just finished a 40hr work week an tomorrow I start a 44hr work week. So between new content and RP an work… An my stupid car being a piece of crap… x_x Ugh. Why! An yes our work schedule starts on a Friday. So my weeks are weird. But then again my work hours are never steady. XD Like all this weekend I have a very evil 11a-7p shift. Shoots my whole day just about. Means catching up on neglected tv/anime. But sucks for getting much game time. So while I have been making progress on Lance it is not nearly as much as I would like.

I’m debating trying to get into some tumblr RP or something to start working on Lance outside of the game. But… *wrings hands* I would not even know where to begin or who to ask. *hides* Just doing writing for Dest’s backstory and her journal entries… I was nervous enough about sharing those as I started. I hate asking people for stuff because I feel like I’m a bother. ._.; *sigh* Anyways I better get to writing for Dest for the time being. I still have roulettes to get done.)

Rhisi and I ventured out to the Shroud for a bit the next day. Thankfully I wasn’t too hung over from the wine the night before. She had planned something that she hoped would help me deal with my problems. A ritual of sorts.

Towards the end of the ritual she had me burn a black mask. One that looked like one my father would wear if it was not for its dark coloring. All that remained in that bowl at the end was a green gemstone. A reminder an good luck charm. That even when things look dark I have people who are my support. Things that I treasure above the pain an suffering of those old memories. To let the waters wash away the pain an rely on the things and people I call my support. To let go of the burdens I’ve held onto for so long.

The green of that stone… It reminded me of Leon. An of the forests of the Shroud. An truth be told… My heart was feeling a bit lighter by the end of the ritual. I would not say I am no longer broken. But… Maybe I am finally on the right path again. I think without Leon I got lost again. I was half way there an then he passed. I may have this gemstone made into a piece of jewelry. Something I can always wear. I just need to figure out how to work green into my clothing.

I joined the others at the end of week gather at Bronze Lake. Nate was already there when I arrived. I was glad to see him once more after life’s demands had kept him from visiting for a time. I had decided to go sit with him in the water an catch up on what had happened in our lives lately. But Kagato then showed up.

I was both shocked and surprised. I had not expected to see Kagato again for a bit of time. I promised Nate I would join him shortly. I needed to check on Kagato. I was still worried for how wounded he had been when he left that night. The healing had not been complete. He assured me he was fine an would let me know if he needed my attention. Told me he had left Luna with someone he knows who might be able to help her. I was relieved an left him to join Nate in the water.

I was glad when Quarcy cornered Kagato an insisted the pirate let him exam the wounds an change the bandages. Thank goodness for small favors. I couldn’t help but glance over from time to time as I talked with Nate. I was still worried for Kagato’s well being. I was still fairly drained from our work on the last mission. One day and a half had not been enough to fully recover this time. The waters at Bronze Lake and talking with Nate though helped me to relax an start feeling better.

I was disappointed when Nate had to depart for the evening. But it gave me a chance to really check on Kagato. I went over as Tara was giving him hell about drinking with as injured as he was. I also agreed that he should cut back while healing. He stalked off, mad at the both of us. I followed after him an sat down beside him. I put a gentle hand on his back an used what little magic I had recovered to at least ease his pain I’m sure he was in still.

Kagato talked to me. Told me why he drinks. I listened this time unlike the story he had told about why he is not welcome in Gridania. I had no distractions this time. I finally got him to agree to at least cutback while he recovered. I didn’t bother asking him to stop. It’s not my business. I just wanted him to recover as quickly as he could. We still have that reaper to deal with an I’m sure Kagato wants to pay him back for the pain he has caused. I’d feel safer having Kagato on that battlefield fully recovered.

I talked with Tara, Terra, and C’lest for a bit after Kagato left for the evening. I may have mentioned an old idea of wanting to turn Oni into a mummy with bandages.

An I may have done so. An not considered it to be the bad idea it was at the time. I thought it was funny. Did not consider I should probably wait until Oni was fully recovered. I made a mistake.

The day after the usual dinner night… I was pulled aside with Tara in Konner’s office. Aimee and Oni had choice words for my behavior. Tara was pulled into this all because she should have done something to help Oni instead of finding it funny. It was my fault! They should not have blamed her in any way! If I had not done it she would never have been involved. It is not fair that they punish her for MY mistakes. It was my choice! Rhisi was there as a mediator. We were both given tasks to do as punishment.

Oni… His words… When he told Tara he was an officer an did not want to be treated like her blood brother… I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream. I did my best to keep my face blank but I was failing fast. I apologize and excused myself. I bolted to my room an threw a book across the room in my rage. I quickly changed my clothes into my archery clothes an put on my half-mask. I then sat down on the floor near the bath, holding the stuffed chocobo close. I still find myself reaching for that mask every time I feel so emotionally unstable. As if wearing it gives me the ability to better hide the pain an sorrow.

Rhisi eventually came by to check on me. I was near tears when she came. I tried my hardest not to break down. I just wanted to be left alone. I know she was trying to make me not feel so bad. So worthless. Why was it all I ever did never felt good enough or was a mistake… I know I am not Aimee. I have had barely over two years to learn what I do know as a healer but damn it all I am trying! I just… wanted the Order to feel like my family. I thought…

Heavens damn him! If he thinks he can just treat me like a healer snack… Or call my aether small an like unripe fruit… If he thinks he can just keep sending me mixed signals then to hell with him. At least Leera was honest even if he was an ass. I’d rather be Leera’s toy then keep trying to be friend’s with Oni an not be sure just how much I can actually be myself around him. If he thinks I’m going to continue training just for him to have a better snack he better think again. Halone have mercy on him if he thinks I’m going to just deal with this quietly.

After Rhisi left I was still feeling blue. I had no intentions of quitting because of this setback. I would have to find time around everything else to deal with this stupid list of tasks. I walked past whoever was downstairs in the house an headed up to the bar. I needed a drink. I did not care what kind of guests we had. Though I was surprised to find Nate upstairs at the bar. He joined me for drinks an picked some rum for us. I don’t usually drink rum but for this night I would. I finally took off that mask as I made conversation with Nate.

Apparently Oni was listening to our conversation from downstairs. Stupid jerk. He had wandered upstairs to get something from the bar an stopped to see if we would join everyone downstairs. I felt an icy rage. I did my best to keep my face calm an without a drop of the pain I felt towards Oni. If he wants to be treated like an officer… Then I will damn well treat him like one.

I remained upstairs with Nate. He was fine with us staying up here away from everyone else. I think he did it because he knew how upset I was. Because he knew I did not wish to join the others this night. Eventually we had to go downstairs though. That was the only way to reach the guest rooms since Nate was staying the night at the house. I had to lean on him for support. I was too unsteady on my own feet to make it safely without aid. This is why I usually stick to wine.

It wasn’t until I was alone in my room that I collapsed on the bed an groaned. I had hugged Nate. Being so close to him… I realized how much he looked like Leon. The same skin tone, the same hair color, and green eyes. Nate is no duskwight. Not even an elezen. But those similarities… Curse it all. My heart was a mess already without the alcohol an that realization. I was unable to sleep for a time. All I kept seeing was Leon or Nate’s eyes when I closed my own.

I managed to make it in time for a small mission last night. We went out gathering up fragments of the bombs that had exploded last mission. We were hoping to find something useful. I was still feeling… Moody after the night before. Thankfully I did not have to deal with Oni or Aimee.

We returned to the house with a bag of parts. Rhisi told me I was to get with Quarcy an do some research on technology. Whoever our Reaper friend is, their magitek is modified. It’s beyond the usual scope of Garlean tech. Thankfully Quarcy was at the house when I got there so that saved me the effort of tracking him down. I already have enough work before Rhisi added on with this research.

Quarcy and I discussed possibilities and theories. We even went over everything we knew already from all our missions. I filled in a few from before we met Quarcy. Apparently he thinks whoever our enemy is that they are using ancient magic. Something from the time of Mhach. I forget the word he used but he called it a geass as well. The enemy using the wildlife creatures… It is because they are low intelligent creatures. Controlling them with aether like he has is easier because of their low intelligence in comparison to using people.

Eventually as the night got late our conversation got diverted. We sat down with our backs against the railing of the stairs leading down. We talked of Ishgard and family. Apparently Quarcy had an old injury to the head he had never had looked at from a long time ago. Makes it hard for him to sleep. I told him he should let me check him sometime, see if there is anything I can do. Apparently he even knew my brother when he was studying in Ul’dah at the guild. Well they weren’t friends but he had still met him.

Quarcy took me a bit by surprise when he rested his head against my shoulder. I put a gentle hand on his head an let my magic try to ease the headache he had mentioned. We talked for just a bit longer. He asked if I saw him as a brother. I was caught off guard by that question. After the way the night before had gone… I still look at the Order as a sort of family. Dysfunctional but still family. So while I had never really stopped to consider if I considered Quarcy like a brother… I guess a part of me did. Eventually Quarcy managed to fall asleep there with his head resting against me. I was tired as well. I remembered our early few days of getting to know each other. That brief hug he had given me to comfort me that night in my room. I managed to doze off for a time beside him, a small smile on my face. I think sometime while we slept Daisy had plopped down in my lap to join us. I’m sure if anyone had passed us by it would have been a rather cute scene.

(Ouch. It had been a really bad week for Dest. D: An a rough week for me though I don’t have it nearly as bad as she does. I just have a lot more hours at work then I am used to. So Dest is taking the night off an hiding in her room with the door locked. Which means I go work on Lance! XD Yay! Well after dinner and a journal entry for Dest.)

This week… I just want to forget it all. I want to wipe it all away an begin again. I want to wash it all away like a bad memory. I feel as if I have taken steps backwards instead of forwards… I feel… I’m not sure what I feel right now other then completely lost…

Our mission at the middle of the week led us out to Northern Thanalan. Of course just that information made me nervous. I was almost tempted to refuse to go but I was the only healer present. I steeled myself instead an went with the team. I thought maybe I would get lucky an we would not have to set foot anywhere near the Castrum…

Oh how wrong I was… Every step closer to that place was painful. Not physically but emotionally. My steps faltered a moment as we went north from the Ceruleum Processing Plant. Every step closer to that Castrum and the Imperials lurking there… It did not matter that it was not Occidens. I have not set foot near a Castrum since my incident those years ago.

I thought I would get off lightly when we found our one target shortly before crossing completely into Imperial territory. I was still holding up decently though I was very much on edge. Even though every fiber of my being wanted to quit that place as fast as possible. Then we had to move further north for the second target…

Tara came under attack from Imperial soldiers as we were near the back of the group. Everything in me screamed to run. My hands were shaking so badly. I could barely cast spells as I helped her fend off the Imperials. So many images flashing through my mind… So many bad memories… So much pain…

I heard Rhisi calling for us. Calling for me to help. I was the only healer on duty an they had found the other target. I wanted nothing more then to sit down where I was standing an refuse to move. I wanted nothing more then to scream an cry… I forced myself to move. I forced myself not to have a breakdown. I focused on the fact that my friends… My family… Needed me… I needed to go to them. We managed to kill the second target. I finally collapsed to my knees, my strength finally giving in. Kagato went over to harass some nearby Imperials an I wanted to scream. The memories behind my closed eyes…

I fled back to the house at that point. I disappeared before anyone could say anything, running up the stairs to the second floor. I sat down on the floor by the fire an wrapped my arms around my knees. Dusk managed to find me. She didn’t push me for what was wrong. Merely offered her ear to listen if I needed it. I was not… In a state of mind for talking right that moment so she left me alone.

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to walk back downstairs. I could hear Oni and Tara talking but I don’t think I was really focusing on much of anything at that point. They called me over an I took a seat on the floor, trying not to look at either of them. Wanting to hide that pain I am sure was in my eyes… Wishing I had my mask to hide behind. But they got me to open up some. I admitted I was not okay. I admitted being that close to a castrum after what happened… After my near death… I was shaken.

Oni excused himself an left me alone with Tara. I moved over to sit beside her an check on her injuries as we talked. I feel like Tara is the sister I never had. I feel so comfortable around her. An I felt like I had failed her, letting her get hurt because I was barely functioning. She did not blame me. She thought it took a lot of strength just to remain there, doing the best I could without running away from what haunted me. I felt less shaken after speaking with her but I was still far from alright. So I sought out Rhisi. Maybe now was a good time to ask her how to get past all this. To find my way to move on.

Rhisi listened as I told her I wanted to be done hurting. I wanted to be done being so damaged. I do not want another night like that night. I did not want to have another moment where I could barely respond to the people I’ve come to care about so deeply. I wanted to move past this but I did not know how. Rhisi said we would get together before the end of week gathering to deal with my turmoil. Over three years later… I want to heal…

I took the next day off. I was feeling better then the night before but I was far from recovered.

Our mission last night… Was another blow to my already tattered emotional state. I was still feeling a bit of the strain from the last mission night. I was better but not fully. I listened mostly in silence as everyone else spoke. I had done another card reading before our mission. It showed a difficult night ahead for us. At least I had hoped not. I had hoped that maybe my emotional state had made the reading faulty.

The hornets in Central Thanalan were riled up, stinging travelers towards the gates leading to Southern Thanalan. I was sent with Tara and Dusk to find the nest. However I was stung only a few minutes into our trek an was forced to return to Aimee and Rhisi. The venom of these hornets was worse then normal. I feared maybe our ‘friend’ in the magitek reaper was involved again somehow.

I listened in silence as they spoke of the best way to deal with the nest. Quarcy had given me a salve for my sting. I was not affected as badly as some of the others. It helps being a healer. I was just not with it though to be of more help to Aimee and Rhisi with the others as they came back with stings.

We eventually froze the nest an captured the queen. We hurried to take her over towards Cutters Cry to release her away from areas that were commonly traveled by people. As we were releasing her, the reaper appeared to attack us.

He sent some kind of small exploding robots to deal with us as he vanished yet again. Oni took some bad damage to one of his legs after stomping on one of them. We were forced to flee. Aimee took Oni and Felix back to the house. I think Chloe followed to help tend to Oni. Kagato was trying to hold off the other machines as Rhisi gave us the order to get out of there. I ended up at Black Brush with Tara, Dusk, and Quarcy. I’m not sure where Rhisi disappeared to. An I was worried for Kagato. The other machines had sounded ready to explode as we had been sent away.

The explosion was loud enough to be heard from Black Brush. Tara and Dusk both seemed exhausted. Kagato was not responding over the linkpearl. Quarcy and I both hurried to try an find him. We were the only two available. I managed to find Kagato, still alive though badly hurt. I wanted to smack him so very badly for being so brave and stupid at the same time. I was glad he was aware enough to respond as Quarcy an I tried to decide the best options to deal with his injuries. We ended up taking him back to the house before we risked being attacked again.

We got Kagato into the medical ward. There was so much shrapnel in his back from the explosion. Quarcy and I worked together to try an remove it. I tried to ease his pain an close the wounds as Quarcy pulled out shrapnel. Eventually Quarcy had the idea to use Garuda Egi to help with removing it. It was a faster approach to dealing with as many pieces as we had to. At one point I had to force him to lie still because he wanted to go look for Luna in his condition. I had noticed blood on Kagato’s hat when it shifted after I pushed him back down against the bed but my hands were occupied with tending to his wounds on his back. I was also afraid to look… I remembered Luna hiding under his hat early on in the evening. Luna…

I finally took the hat from his head after we finished removing the shrapnel… I found Luna… I wanted to cry… A piece of shrapnel from the explosion had hit the tiny succubus in the chest. I did not know how to help her or even if I could. I did finally begin to cry silently as Kagato took her from my hands. I wanted to stop him as he made to leave. My heart was just not in it… He was hurting both physically and emotionally. All I could do was ask him to be careful an let us know if there was anything we could do to help. I sat there numbly on the floor after Kagato left. I could hear Quarcy and Aras speaking but I can’t remember the words. I was in shock I think besides feeling so very drained.

I managed to make it back to my room. I haven’t set foot outside of this room since. I have no plans of joining the world today… I have a bottle of wine an books. I plan to stay here as long as I can. Unless there is an emergency… I think I want to forget the world even exists. I need this time to myself. I need to be alone. Luna… I wish there was something I could have done… Someway I could have helped more… I feel like I wasn’t able to do enough…

(Yay journal time again. 😀 An maybe nail cutting time. XD Getting harder to type. But pretty nails! :3 Bleh. Patch Maintenance is a great time to get this done. 😀 Though Dest’s part on the friday mission will probably not be as detailed as I like. I was sort of having an off night. I just could not keep focused. Probably from having so little sleep the day before.)

The last mission was… Not really much of a success.

The gardens outside of Ul’dah were experiencing crops disappearing. So we went out to look into their problem. We fully expected our ‘friend’ in the magitek to come after us at some point.

We split up into two teams. I was with Oni, Felix, Chloe, and Rhisi. We followed the tracks towards the end of the line. We found a bunch of shrews pushing the missing crops towards crates. Shrews are not that intelligent of creatures. We knew someone had to be behind this. We followed what appeared to be an aether trail. Which led us towards where the other half of the group was.

Chloe wondered if the tunnels or caves beneath us might be where that trail really led instead. But we never got a chance to find out. That damn Magitek rider was attacking a nearby camp. We hurried to respond, putting out the fires and pulling survivors out to safety where we could tend to their wounds. Once things were better under control a few of our team went to try an find that Magitek but it and the crops were gone without a trace.

I was busy with things of my own the next day. I had my own house to worry about an some freelance work I had been putting off. So I did not see anyone from the Order that day. An there was nothing particularly of note worth mentioning that day either. Just being healer for a few groups of freelancers on odd jobs.

I stopped by the Order house yesterday after running some errands. I felt like I was being watched as I paused near the fence. Well I was being watched. By Oni. An he was in one of those moods again. The kind of mood that sends a shiver down my spine. Well it did not help when he spoke that I may have shrieked just a bit an definitely jumped. I was not expecting him to be perched high upon the stone fence above my line of sight.

He said I had not been training. I told him I had been busy an had had no time to speak with Aimee let alone do some kind of training. He started calling my aether small an compared it to unripe fruit. An talked of going to nibble on Quarcy’s aether. Now… I was not making it sound like I wanted to be Oni’s snack… But I found his words insulting.

Felix came by during our conversation. I was so focused upon Oni that he startled me. Yes… I jumped again… He did not stay too long though before he decided to head inside an get something to drink.

Oni asked me if I knew what my aether looked like. I of course answered. Shades of blue. Soft shades. Like the color of ice or the sky. An then he mentioned I should be able to show him something if my aether was not small. I’ve never attempted to do anything with aether other then healing before. As it is I have only been a healer for about two years. So I am still doing the best I can. I was determined to prove myself to Oni. I’m not sure why. It just bothered me so much that I felt inferior. Like I was not good enough. He never said those words but… I still felt like he might as well have said them.

I managed to form a small blue ball of aether in the palms of my hands. I was happy. I was not sure if I could do it. My Uncle had never mentioned using aether in this fashion. Of course then I had a rather wicked idea in my head. I may not have had a book to chuck at Oni’s head but now I had this ball of aether. He had been so darn annoying that I threw that ball at him instead. I hoped it would hold together an not break apart before hitting him. If he wanted me to train… I would make him target practice. Unfortunately he caught the ball. Fortunately it had held together surprisingly well. I’m pretty sure when he disappeared from sight it was to eat that ball of aether… Next time I will make it a sneak attack.

I managed to find him sitting up on the awning near the door. Of course I seem to be very jumpy lately cause he did spook me again. We were talking an Aimee arrived back to the house. It was around there that our talk began heading towards soul stones. Well first Oni asked if he could eat Daisy… I was not letting him attempt eating my fairy… I have no idea if that would affect the way I summon her or if doing so would end her existence. Something I would simply rather not take a chance upon. That was when we started discussing the subjects and soul stones. It was… Interesting to hear about once I learned they only eat the aether of the stones an not the stones themselves. So anything placed within is still safe. It just needs… A sort of jump start with fresh aether.

Eventually Oni decided he was hungry an wanted to go hunt. I had things to work on anyways. So I went into the house an to my room. I worked on my studies for a bit before I laid down on the couch with a recent novel I had picked up. I managed to fall asleep reading an totally miss the beach gathering.

The dream I had last night… Was both pleasant and a nightmare. Thankfully it was not the usual nightmare that sometimes likes to haunt my dreams. I think that talk with Oni plus falling asleep reading that novel had been a bad pairing. I dreamed of Leon…

I dreamed of soul stones and Leon. Of subjects with sharp teeth like Leera. Glowing eyes and evil smiles. Monsters made of aether. An Leon’s warming embrace as he drove away the darkness. I finally awoke an dove for the stones where I had left them on the table. I clasped that green stone to my chest as tears silently fell down my cheeks.

What if some part of Leon was still with the stone he left me as he died? What would happen if his stone ever fall into Garlean hands like those used in the experiments? Would he be like the Others who were devoured by the subjects? Or could he end up like Oni and Raiden? It was so hard to imagine… So hard to think that there was a chance this was what Leon had meant by death was not the end… Hard to picture losing any last shred of Leon if this stone were to end up like the ones Oni had described… Assuming there was even any part of him in this stone.

I’ve barely ever made use of the stone he left behind with me. I still occasionally privately use his old harp for my own comfort. I had never considered there may be more to these stones then a bunch of old memories. I sought help from those cards I had been trying to get used to. However they were unhelpful. The answers were confusing an unclear. Just like my thoughts. Maybe my own confusion was not helping any. I eventually gave up an went to bed again once I was able to calm down enough.

Today is another day. Hopefully some work will help to clear my head an heart.

(Journal time again. Since I’m procrastinating on getting to the bank. XD >.>; Only cause the money is already spent even if it’s not Tuesday yet. Stupid car… Well an cause I’m sort of dragging today. This is my fault for going to work yesterday on 3 an half hours of sleep. XD)

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. Well not in a bad way thankfully. Definitely anything but bad. Just busy. Busy is always good.

Sarabi and I met at the bar upstairs in the house where I had my books an notes spread out. We discussed what we were able to find out as well as some theories we tossed around. Something makes up believe that this is all connected somehow. That our friend in that magitek is somehow related to everything.

We were nearing the end of our conversation when Aimee came into the house. Leera was with her… I… I tried hard to keep myself indifferent to the fact he was present. He blames me for the less then warm reception he has around the house now. I had every right to warn those involved after that night. It is my fault yes but I do not feel guilty over it. I have no reason to.

Though… In a way… I owe Leera. That night in the shroud… The things that occurred after… It was like the first stepping stone that showed me I need to change the way I see some things. Find a way to fix things. In a way… I still feel like I want back that easy conversation between us again. It was so hard to sit there an not want to talk to him. I know it may not be wise… An it was most definitely not something I would do with Aimee present. I think her presence kept me from doing so.

Leera though bolted as Oni arrived home. I kept my distance after the night before. I was not so much afraid as I was cautious since Oni claimed the other night he would not hurt me. I had no idea what sort of state Oni was in now though. Anger was definitely clear as I walked downstairs to see him near the doors. Leera had done a good job annoying him by being here at the house. Aimee and Oni talked mostly. I said a few things here an there but I mostly observed. From the safety of the railing on the first landing heading upstairs. I may have at one point called it creepy, seeing the boys’ aetheric energies like I was when Oni had first arrived. Aimee helpfully suggested a better choice of word. Yes it is different.

Aras was about the house apparently. I had not even realized she was there for bit. Hiding back near the bookshelves reading a book. I finally came down the stairs the rest of the way an had a pleasant conversation with the girl. Thankfully no mention of the Flatts was made. We talked a bit about something an it eventually lead into talk of research.

The next day I was able to catch Rhisi before our mission. I mentioned what Sarabi an I had found out to her. As well as I gave her our theories on our ‘friend’ who attacks us. I even told her I had done a simple reading with the cards on our mission for this evening. The gist of it was ‘hope in a crucial time’. I hoped so. I was not looking forward to another night rife with danger when the mission seemed like something so simple.

It looked like it was to just be the four of us. Rhisi, Aimee, Raiden, and myself. We decided it might be best to walk an avoid the Coffer an Atheryte entirely. A precaution in trying to avoid another attack. We encountered Aras along the way an she joined us. We got to the site, the Spriggans still agitated but not nearly as badly as the last time. Less rocks thrown. Still rocks but definitely not nearly as many. We encountered an elezen man, a scholar of sorts down near the ruins. We sought his opinion on the fountain we had found since he was studying down here anyways.

I followed him, his name Quarcy, over towards the waterfall to check out the source of the noise after he had done something to the fountain. I was interested in him. No not in -that- sort of way. More in a intellectual standpoint. He’s not really my type. He’s cute in his own way but not really… Hmm. Just not really my type. Though I would gladly be his friend. It is not often I find someone I can stand with an talk with so easily about something of a more intellectual nature. Especially when it comes to men. I find intelligent ladies more often to talk to then men. Anyways I’m rambling off topic.

We discussed some of what we both knew about the ruins an the Spriggans as we looked around. We found the source of what was blocking the pipes to that fountain. We took our findings back over to Rhisi. It had been deliberately done by someone. The others had returned from checking out the end of the stream, finding there is some sort of cavern below. Possibly the hiding place of our attacker. After all one needs somewhere to hide that Magitek of theirs.

We returned to the house. Rhisi invited Quarcy and Aras to join us as a way of thanking them for their help. I got some orange juice for Quarcy as we talked. Aimee and Raiden were talking nearby. I am unsure of where Aras has gone. Eventually Aimee an Raiden joined us in the kitchen where Aimee offered to make tea using leaves Quarcy offered. As Aimee made tea and Raiden went to remove his armor, Quarcy and I went upstairs to sit on the couch. Raiden eventually came upstairs to join us.

Raiden and I… Gods save me… He was tormenting me in front of Quarcy. Even threatened to lick me if I kept sticking my tongue out at him. Eventually however I had to call it a night when Raiden mentioned he was. I had finally looked at the clock. Ugh. It was so late. I had not realized it. I hoped out behavior had not scared Quarcy off of coming back again. I would like to talk to him some more.

Last night was a simple night at the house. Well… Sort of. I was near the market board when Oni came over the linkpearl. Something about someone wanting a fight with him. I made my way over to the house to see what was going on. Apparently some lalafell man was trying to get Oni to spar with him. I stayed back out of sight for the moment to listen to the conversation going on between Oni, Aimee, an Meis. Rhisi however arrived at the house while I was standing there out of easy sight. I guess my listening from the back was over. Though hearing that Meis fellow flirting with Aimee I nearly laughed out loud. Oh boy… So he is that kind of fellow.

I went inside after Rhisi to escape the discussion in the yard. I sat down at the bar upstairs an talked with Rhisi for a few moments before Meis came up an sat down on the seat beside me. An then decidedly chose to be somewhat flirty with me even… Ugh… He was so damn forward. More people began to join us after a time. Including Quarcy and Aras. I was very glad to see Quarcy had returned despite the way topics of conversation went the night before because of Raiden an I.

I… Quickly thought of a lie when Meis commented the flower in my hair. I had hoped a mention of my husband giving it to me would cease his interest in me. I was most definitely not interested in him. With Raiden I expect him to tease an flirt but it is mostly harmless. Besides Raiden… Raiden is Raiden. Handsome and annoying in equal measure. Meis… I just did not like him. His behavior rubbed me the wrong way. Especially with how ready to fight he was with any man who seemed to him like a good opponent. Though I nearly laughed when he asked if Quarcy was my husband. Poor Quarcy.

I talked with Quarcy for a bit as we drank. I was trying a new wine Rhisi had gotten by suggestion. It was pretty good. Eventually I began to get lost in thoughts of last week… I lost the thread of conversation. Quarcy had begun talking with Rhisi an guest beside him anyways. So I did not feel so bad for spacing out in my own thoughts.

Dusk called over the linkpearl about needing medical attention outside for her friend. I volunteered to go take care of it. Partly to be helpful an partly because I needed the fresh air. Thankfully the injury was only a bad burn to Pas’ palm. I was able to tend to it. As well as have a chance to introduce myself to her. I had been distracted with other conversation at the beginning of the week when she was at dinner. I suggested they be more careful with spells for a bit, not repeating the same spell until she had a chance to see if feeling would return to her hand. I hope so… Otherwise… I do not like the thought that I have made a mistake somehow. I returned outside an left them to their work.

I have no idea what was being discussed now since I had been away. Apparently Oni was going to give Meis his fight though. Aimee and Illust went with the two of them down to the training room for it. I asked Rhisi for some tea. I had had enough wine for one night. All it did was bring back memories I do not want to think about right now. Feelings of sorrow as I have still not seen Felix to apologize. Eventually Rhisi brought me from my thoughts as she asked me to show Quarcy to a guest quarter.

I had shown him there an mentioned if he needed anything my room was down the hall. I was… surprised when he asked to see my room. I had nothing against showing him my room  of course. He does not seem like the type who would do anything bad. He was quite thrilled at the amount of books in my room. Though I think meeting Lady took him by surprise. I had mentioned to him I had a dragonet earlier. Thankfully she did nothing more then laze about on his head for a bit.

I think maybe I should not have had the wine at all. We got to talking about things… I… Mentioned some of my hurts. My father’s death an my incident with Castrum Occidens. I am not sure why but I felt so comfortable in his presence. He was very kind an caring as he listened to me. I was even surprised as he gave me a brief hug. He in turn told me a little about his childhood. I did not push him for more then he was willing to give. I was almost disappointed when our time together ended for the night. Now that I think of it… He is the first person who has been in my room other then Oni an Raiden. But I can not say those two count. After all those encounters were nothing like this with Quarcy. Quarcy is…. very sweet. I look forward to working with him an spending time getting to know him better. Sharing our love of books an other intellectual prusuits.