(A little early on this week’s journal entry but I felt I needed to do this. 😀 The title for this post is because I am listening to Through It All by Spoken.)

It seems almost like a weekly ritual at this point to write in this journal after the beach gathering. However I am a few days early this time. I could not wait a few more days before writing here again. I have my reasons which I plan to write of course. I have a need to voice my feelings privately right now.

Dinner at the start of the week was pleasant enough. Though I painfully admit I do not recall much of what happened. Well other then Shaleth needing medical attention upstairs before dinner. However he did manage to lose his voice despite how I tried to help him. At least I was able to remove the pain he was feeling otherwise with some healing magic.

I seem to have a trend this week though. I can not recall when some of these events occurred. I know they occurred through the week but some of the days are just a blur. Not because they were busy. I can not say why so much of what happened has been so blurred. I hope it is not a sign that I am getting ill or something worse. I feel fine so maybe it is just a simple slip of the mind. I do have a lot on my mind of course. So it is very possible my problem is just too much going on that I can not process everything properly.

I did learn this week why Kagato wears an eye-patch. As well as why he seems to drink so heavily or hides behind a jovial mask. But I do not know if it is my place to say anything about his problems an my opinion is just that. An opinion. I can not say if what I believe is accurate. Only he could say if it is. So for now I shall keep my thoughts to myself or this journal. Though if he wishes for someone to speak to… I would be open to listening. My problems were no where in the same league as his are now but… I do remember the darkness of my own heart from those days past.

Rhisi took us out a few days ago to the North Shroud. We had a task to try an calm down some of the problems occurring near Fallgourd Float. Apparently the Dallahan were being troublesome. The Treants were also in a very displeased mood. We believe the Ixals were to blame so we went into their encampment to thin their numbers an hope that would calm down some of the disturbances in the area. I can only hope we were successful in the work we did that night.

I was in the house the next night just chatting an trying to make some more notes on some more difficult medical things. Such as the workings of the inner body an minor surgeries. Nothing overly complex but still I feel more at ease making notes. I feel I learn and remember things better this way. Well… Frost came by… I had to step outside for some fresh air. Especially after I had dropped my notebook an the stupid thing fell open to the doodles from the other week… I do not believe he saw them though.

I was still outside when Frost went to leave. I was finally able to apologize for Costa. He seemed as he usually did. Indifferent. I… I told him how I wanted to get to know him better. Possibly be friends. Only to be politely told he doesn’t really let anyone get to know him. If it is because of the… experiments… I’m not afraid. I’d say it is hard to be afraid of danger when you are so used to being at the center of it. Or nearly killing yourself. Though I have come far from those days where my life was near meaningless. An before I joined the order I was a free adventurer getting into all sorts of messy situations with people I barely knew beyond a name. So I will continue to try an get to know him as best as I can. I don’t care about his past. I want to see who he is now, not know who he used to be. I will… Just be cautious so as not to anger him. Or be a pest. I can be patient. Or at least try to be as patient as possible.

Of course Felix had such lovely timing… I nearly squeaked in surprise when back to the house as I was about done with my conversation with Frost. I had to wonder just how much he had heard. I talked with him for just a bit before I went back inside to rejoin the others. Where I spent some time talking with Rhisi. She wants me to talk with Aimee. Healing stuff mostly. Aimee… I do like her. She is just… A bit intimidating after that day in the medical room at the company house. I must say… Having a medical knife pointed at you because you startle someone is quite a surprise. Though I did in a unintentional way deserve it for bothering her. I guess I really do need to find time to speak with Aimee. If I can get her away from Oni. Oni… Still has not gotten even with me for Forgotten Springs. It makes me slightly paranoid.

Last night…

Last night was my first real mission. My first real healing job with the Order. It was… Much different then I expected. I am used to a fight against enemies, supporting those I am working with. Not an encampment of refugees outside Ul’dah. But I am not against helping those in need either. I guess I have just never considered doing such as an adventurer. We had a task to remove bee venom an help the healing process of those that had been stung because the local bees for some reason were… Very angry.

The first two people I helped went alright. There were no problems. Daisy even helped me by distracting the one lady while I worked. Thankfully I had some bandages handy in my pouch an gave them to Aimee and Dusk. (I might have had them because I was still debating if I wanted to turn Oni into a bandage mummy…) The third I tried to help started thrashing about… An I might have nearly lost my temper… I have been doing so well lately about keeping my temper leashed an under control too… I’m sure Aimee thinks less of me then before after that. I do not even have any sleep spells… Which was something she had asked me if I knew. Dusk had to help me out. I feel… Miserable. I feel like I should have been able to handle that better. These people were not adventurers or mercenaries. I should not have let myself think that way. I think… My teacher would be disappointed in me as well.

But… I will not sit in despair. I can not. I need to find my way past this. If I sit around an despair I will only find myself spiraling back down into the darkness of the past. I can not go back to that place again. If I do I am unsure if I can find my way free a second time… I will get past this somehow. I need to better myself. Learn from my foolishness. It was only my first true mission as a healer of the Order. I made a mistake. An I will find a way past that mistake. I have to.

(Time for a new journal entry! :D)

It is almost hard to believe a week has gone by again. I thought last week was long. This week seemed to come an go in the blink of an eye. I feel like it has been a literal whirlwind. So many comings and going this week alone.

I was… Worried? Well confused most definitely. So many of the people I knew were in the order when I joined when their own separate ways. An new faces were accepted to replenish the ranks. So it feels like a very confusing time. So many new names and faces.

However the week started off… Interesting. I did not mean to get drunk the day the next day after the last dinner with some of the members that departed. It was certainly not because of their departures. It was… More of an accident really. I was making notes up at the bar. Medical notes of course. I have been looking into non-aetherical methods of healing. Just in case. I decided to relax with a glass of the wine that Felix had introduced me to at Bronze Lake a few weeks ago. One glass turned into two… An in the end I was a bit… Tipsy when Felix showed up at the house an joined me at the bar upstairs. Okay maybe a bit more then tipsy. Somewhere along the line Rhisi an Chee joined us as well. I did not know that Oni an Aimee were downstairs. An Chee got me all flustered by admitting I have a thing for handsome dark skin elezen men. Which of course… Raiden overheard… Sigh… I ended up with another glass which I drank before heading downstairs with Chee an Rhisi. Thankfully I did not fall down the stairs. From there I only remember pieces of the rest of the night.

I remember the doodles in my notebook along the edges of the page. A rough drawing of Raiden and Frost. Eventually one of Oni looking like a devil. An one that I believe is supposed to be my father an a dead Garlean solider with arrows stuck in him. I remember calling Raiden ‘yummy chocolate’ and poking Oni. An something about my hands not being cake. No idea about how that came up. The details were lost in my drunken haze. I must remember not to drink when Oni or Raiden are about. Not that I usually drink.

I was pretty nervous to run into either of them the next day after that night. Though I did talk to Felix for a bit that day. An I might have mentioned wanting to turn Raiden an Oni into bandage mummys for that night. So the two of us might plot against them to make it happen. This could be interesting.

We went with Rhisi on a mission for a client. I will admit… I hid behind the bookcase when I heard Oni an Aimee arrive. Thankfully either Rhisi took pity on me or bless the Twelve I got lucky not to be paired with Oni for the mission. Probably because this way both teams had healers. Aimee always seems to be with Oni. Chee was invited to come with us. So the team was Rhisi, Chee, and I. A solid team if you ask me. A free paladin, a bard, and a scholar. A nice little balance.

We went into a dungeon Chee an I have some experience with out in the Shroud. Though I will admit not with a lot of success. The problem with taking a team of people you do not know is often a lack of teamwork. Things went much smoother with Chee and Rhisi though. We encountered the many traps and ambushes. Thankfully I tend to carry a few vials of echo drops since I managed to trigger a trap on myself… We did manage to find what the client was looking for. It was on a rather fearsome looking creature. However it was easier then it appeared it would be to fell. I think it is because the three of us worked so well together.

A couple of days later was when all the new faces began to join us. Konner an Rhisi had decided to recruit a few outsiders to aid us with a mission into the East Shroud. Sylph territory… How I despise those annoying pests. Those stink bombs… Ugh… But we had to venture deep inside their territory to find what Rhisi needed for the wards around the house. It was… Interesting to say the least. I nearly jumped out of my skin when one of those nasty toads landed right behind me. Thankfully we were able to make it deep enough to find what we needed upon one of the tempered Sylph. Rhisi gave it to me to hold on to. I was… Surprised. Maybe it was because she knew I would have a pouch of some sort to hold it within. Or maybe because she trusted me. It… feels nice to think that I might be trusted after only a short time with them. Then again I have given them no reason to distrust me either. We returned to the house to chat for a bit an I gave the crystal back to Rhisi.

I attempted to be present the next day to meet some of the other new faces. However I was feeling a bit under the weather. So I was forced to leave early. The extra rest was good though. I felt better today because of it. I think it might have been too much time in the heat that day. Though I had not left before Lady an Luna seemed to be plotting things. I am still worried Lady might nip Luna. Though Luna seems to think it might be a good idea to try an ride Lady around the halls…

Tonight though I got to meet some of those new faces I had not had much of a chance to interact with. As well as people outside off the Order as well. Including a few people from the neighborhood Chee an I live in. I had met X’apa early in the week while over at Chee’s house. Apparently his Free Company has a house nearby. Rhela and Suumiko from his Company came with him and us to the gathering tonight at Forgotten Springs.

I did as I usually do an was distracted by the first member of the order I felt like talking to. Which happened to be Kagato. I was a bit surprised to see him outside of his gear tonight. I don’t recall him being in swim gear last week at Costa when I first met him. We talked for a bit before I chose a spot to sit an wait for Chee to return. I would have conversed with our neighbors but they seemed busy with a few friends of theirs that had surprised them by visiting. Chee returned from whatever business she had to deal with shortly before we were joined by Tita. Apparently the girl is going to be coming by the Order house soon to take care of the chocobos. We had a pleasant conversation until she had to depart. Chee had departed as well since she was nodding off sitting beside me. So I joined Mithra and Kagato near the steps. We talked about Raiden for a few moments. An of course… Raiden has not forgotten… Ugh! Eavesdropper!

It was towards the end of the night that I could not help myself. I seen Mithra and Oni standing together. Both of them seemed so transfixed on what was happening. Mithra was rubbing his belly and Oni… Well he was enjoying it. So I pushed them both off the dock into the water below to cool them off. I am so going to pay for doing that. I am sure Oni is going to find some way to get even with me. I hope it is not licking my face like he did to Felix the night I was drinking… I better watch my back for a little while. Heh.

Anyways… I should get some rest.

(Wow that was a week. I barely had time to pop on my computer between RP stuff, game content stuff, an life. Mostly life… An trying to make a post for my character in a journal fashion like I have been is not feasible from my phone app. Not unless I somehow missed the way to change the text style. I like being able to make it seem like Dest is writing it. Being able to strikeout words an such. But anyways. This should be a doozy of a entry. XD Probably would be even more so if I had been able to attend the Friday night event. Though I do think I want to write some short stories on Dest’s past. Like some of the key events. I want to put more effort to them then just describing them on the RPC page. I want to do them justice. Tales of how Dest is how she is now. Especially the moments after the calamity. I’ll probably share them here when I have time to actually write them. RPing on game in a real RP FC is giving me back that urge to write. How I have missed it. Be ware! This is going to be longer then the ones before. :D)

I wrote last week that I was seeking membership among the Order. Well… I have been accepted. Though now the question is shall I fit in among the others or will I find that easy acceptance at the gatherings is different then fighting along side them when it matters. It has…. Been a very interesting week.

I was introduced to a good bit of the members the day after the last gathering during a dinner Adlynn prepared for everyone. It was a very good meal. Adlynn is a wonderful cook. The atmosphere was much like that of a family. I had the sense of warmth being around them at gatherings usually brings. A sense of almost being like a family. Family…

I offered my skills as a healer in anyway I could be useful. I want to be useful. So I chatted with Aimee and Oni after dinner to finalize my joining. We dealt with some of the important bits of joining the order. Oh an we had cake. Cake.

Two days later I joined a Hunting party led by Rhisi. We went out into the snowy cold of Western Coerthas. We spent a bit tracking down a couple monsters who were menacing the people of the area. As well as one lead that seemed to be a fever dream someone claimed was real. Thankfully there were no serious injuries that night. Just a few scratches that were easily dealt with. A blizzard blew in suddenly so we called off any further hunting. It was probably for the best. There was no sense in losing anyone to the storms out there. Coerthas weather is no joking matter.

A few days after the hunting, I joined Rhisi and Konner for a small camping venture just outside of Gridania in the East Shroud. I remember the place fondly that they picked. My brother and I used to play there as children. There was always a wood wailer on duty by the docks. He usually watched us as a favor to our father.

I course had shown up with my bow upon my back. Rhisi knew I was a healer by profession. I had mentioned at dinner that I did have some skills with a bow but I can not remember if she had been present. So she was surprised to see me there with my father’s favorite bow. I explained to her about my father an his time as a Gods’ Quiver before his passing during the fighting at
Certeneau Flatts…

But it was the events that transpired after that small camping gathering that… in a way pulled the rug from beneath my feet. I… am still trying to sort out my feelings an thoughts. It was a lot to take in an consider. I am in no way thinking of quitting or backing out now. Even if things have gotten a lot…. Stranger. More difficult. No not more difficult. I accept the challenge. I will not back down!

At first I thought that when I met Zero he was just messing with my head. Trying to confuse me. The way he described things… Was almost child-like. Almost like trying to tell some wild story to an adult. I mean who describes a serious injury as someone ‘had her air popped’… Thankfully Farrson showed up an explained things in a more clear manner. Though he left with me much to think about. Choices to make.

Apparently a few members of the company are… Unique. A product of Garlean experimentation. Garlean monsters! How they can toy with a living being… It makes me so angry! First my father dying by their hands an now I learn how they messed with peoples’ lives as if they were nothing more then… As if they were nothing more then toys to take apart an put back together! I may be past the stage of seeking revenge for taking my father from me… But I will help in any way that Aimee will allow me to. In helping them I am defying those monsters that did these unspeakable things.

I talked with Aimee the next day. I watched her fixing the wound Oni obtained a few days ago. It was… A learning experience to see first hand some of the work the Garleans had done to him. An quite the shocking experience to learn that Raiden’s aether was bound to the spear Oni carried around. How am I to consider him now? A ghost or spirit trapped in a weapon? I’m almost afraid to ask how he is able to take a physical form for the gatherings he has shown up to… I… don’t want to know… Not yet. I prefer to think of him as I was before I learned the truth. I like him an don’t want to ruin that. Just for a little while. Let me continue to believe for a little while longer. I know I should know the truth an not hide behind what I thought before I knew… But with so much to think about an learn… I need time.

Of course I was still sorting myself out when I went to the weekly gathering. I might have upset Frost… I should have chosen to wait to talk to him. Apparently he was also among those the Garleans toyed with. I… Should have waited. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I blurted out words I should not have said. He… was very cold towards me after those words. Oni an Aimee think it was because someone tricked him into showing an he is not much into gatherings of people. Still I guess I shall be apologizing to him again soon as I see him once more. Hopefully after I have gotten my head straightened out. I really did want to get to know him better since I think I recall him being from Gridania as well.

I just need time to sort out everything. Notes to make an things to learn. It is all a very lot to learn in only a few days time. So for now I am going to find a place to start an take things one step at a time. I just need to breath an be patient. Even when patience is sometimes hard.

(Another week, another RP event. ^^ Got to meet more people.)

So it’s been a week since I started this journal. An it’s my second entry. Of course it has been a really rough week. I only threw my book at probably a couple people’s heads though. But I do not feel like writing about THAT.

So I decided to attend another get together being hosted by S&R Order. Tonight they picked Bronze Lake. They could not have picked a better place with the way my week went. Hot springs water to soothe aches an more.

I managed to leave Lady at home this week, not that she was happy in the least. I am pretty sure she was trying to nip my ear off in protest. So I left her at the house with Tucker. Though I had new company tonight instead. Gatoli and his childhood friend, Maple, decided to accompany me. Chee was… Occupied.

I seen some familiar faces and met some new ones. Aimee and Rhisi were present. Konner, Adlynn, and Raiden were not. Which it was slightly disappointing not to see Raiden present. I really was hoping to get to talk more with him. An Aimee of course. I can’t help my weakness of being drawn to elezen dragoons...

I did get to meet new people again tonight. Felix was offering drinks an he was a very pleasant person. Maybe I’ll try chatting with him some more next time. I also met Grissom an his soon to be bond mate, Lucerna I believe was her name. They invited me to the wedding in a few days time. An there was also a rather amusing Miqo lady named Cecily with her wind-up Tataru. I also got to briefly meet Oni who was Amiee’s companion this evening. He was rather handsome for a Hyur.

I hadn’t wanted to interrupt what looked like a good evening between Aimee and Oni. So maybe another night I will get to talk more with them. Rhisi hosted a wonderful evening. I feel much better after a relaxing night at Bronze Lake getting to make new friends. One of these days though I will manage to make it to one of these events without company. Not saying I don’t want to be around my friends. I just need to be able to do things without relying on them all the time. Well social things that is. I wouldn’t want just anyone at my back on the battlefield.

Anyways I do believe I should be getting to bed. I have some things to do around the house tomorrow. Well not cleaning. Gatoli does a good job at living up to his end of our bargain for his living with us. I need to be preparing my garden. Running low on food for the chocobos again. Good night.

(This post is going to be just a tad different then everything else I’ve posted so far on here. An it makes me nervous. I haven’t publicly shared anything like this in a very long time. It’s something I want to try an do after any RP events I decide to attend in game. Anything beyond this shall be from my character’s perspective an not mine. XD)

I’m not sure why I decided to keep a journal all of a sudden. In all my years alive on Eorzea I’ve never had a desire before to write down the trivialities of my life. Okay maybe not everything in my life is so trivial. I guess I just feel a bit awkward writing down my life in a book of blank pages. Which is strangely odd for someone who considers herself a scholar.

Anyways… I guess I should get to the point rather then continuing to mindlessly rant on. Before I get well an far from the point of this first entry. An before the night ends with me asleep against these pages. Though I’m sure Lady or Tucker would wake me come morning to be fed.

I’ve never been the most social of people. Not since that day. I guess in a way a withdrew into myself an my books. My Aunt never required I go out an make friends while I lived in Ishgard for those five years. So when I finally did leave I had only Dekkarra to rely upon until I met Chee an the others.

So I’ve taken to following or asking Chee to go places with me lately. A couple of taverns mostly. But even then I end up sticking mostly to Chee an not making much of an effort to make any new friends. I just feel too awkward or nervous to go to most of these places without at least someone I know. How is it I can stand up to foes on the field of battle or fight with people I barely know… Yet I can’t muster the courage to enter a tavern without a crutch of some sort…

So Chee and I went out to Forgotten Springs. She apparently knew some people hosting a small get together out there near the camp. Well since Chee was going I decided I could manage to go. Lady of course nipped at me until I agreed to allow her to tag along with me as well. Most of the gathering was made up of members from a free company called Sword & Rose Order.

We found ourselves a seat in the shade of the dock there among the other people attending. At first I figured it was going to be just another night where I only really interacted with Chee as usual. It was actually far from the truth. Two people, a lovely hyuran midlander lady an a dark skinned elezen, sitting nearby were actually gazing my way. Mostly because of Lady who was flying around my head or perching on my shoulder, wherever she decided she wanted to be at that moment. Fickle dragonet. I wasn’t meaning to eavesdrop on what was being said but apparently Lady was their topic of discussion.

So instead of actually talking much with Chee, she was actually talking with a lady au ra we had met at one of the taverns, I spent most of my evening talking with these two. I felt actually very comfortable talking with these two. They were incredibly nice even if Raiden didn’t fully trust Lady. I can’t say I blame someone who has grown up in the dangers of Ishgard. Aimee however grew up in Gridania like I did before the calamity. Raiden even offered to make a cake sometime. Ugh. Why must I have such a sweet tooth…

An then there was a pretty midlander lady named Adlynn who was passing out flowers. I put them in the vase on the dining table. Much prettier then the black flowers I had there before. I though the yellow an black to represent the Flames was nice at first but black flowers… Felt so much like death…

Anyways… I think I might just have to stop by the Order’s house to visit sometime. If all the members of this place are this nice… Maybe it could be a good step towards being at least a bit more social an a little less… isolated. Now I’m in no way saying my Outsider friends don’t spend time with me or aren’t there when I need them. Quite far from the truth. They are the best kind of friends a girl like myself could ask for. I guess I just want a change of pace. Something new an different. All the expeditions… I guess I’m just worn out.

I look forward to my next crossing of paths with Raiden or Aimee. Or even anyone else of the S&R Order’s members. Right now I’m get myself some rest. After I change out of this summer outfit. Heh. Good night.