(May or may not be my last journal entry for Dest before vacation. I leave Tuesday for about a week. Return Sunday sometime but no idea when that day. Last night… o_o Omg… Dest wth are you getting yourself into? Geez girl… I’m have to lock you away maybe.

An ugh. XD I was listening to Angel by Theory of a Deadman. An the one set of lines just kept making me picture Destiney. “I’m in love with an angel who’s afraid of the light. Her halo is broken but there’s fight in her eyes

“ My poor Dest. Have I really started looking at you like a broken angel? XD Heh.)

I was feeling restless last night. I hurried through the house, unsure who was present at the time. Went to my room to fetch my gear and my bow. I was going to… I do not know… Maybe just take a walk… Maybe get into some trouble… This whole celebrating the calamity… Makes me very damn restless. As well as it keeps the nightmares closer. Maybe I should take Dekkarra up on that offer to take a week away from it all. I know he merely is trying to be helpful.

I left my room at what appears to be… An awkward moment. I was just able to catch Rhisi mentioning myself and Leera to Oni and Aimee. As well as Oni mentioning something about not seeing a duskwight guest on any of the security stuff. However I could not find out anything more. The three of them became hushed about the whole topic. It left me feeling disturbed. Why would they be speaking about Leera and myself? More over why would they talk about me yet not tell me what it was all about… I feel… A bit hurt. There is something they are not telling me. At least that is the way I feel by their behavior.

Nathaniel however had arrived before I could attempt to gain anything from the situation. His appearance only helped to give them reason to clam up even further on the topic. I thanked the twelve that I had been smart enough to have my half-mask on. It was easier to hide my feelings an try to be pleasant with Nate. I did not want to trouble a guest with whatever was going on between us in that room. I did finally take off my mask once I felt more in control of myself again.

Oni had apparently been cooking an made a good deal of food as well. Rhisi had gone outside. So even if I had wanted that ended whatever chance I had to ask her about Leera. I asked permission from Oni if the Nate and I could enjoy some the food they had made. It was around then that Aras had arrived. Another guest. The three of us sat down to eat. Maria and Chloe had eventually joined us. As well as Tara was at the house but she remained mostly silent an solitary. I chose to have pleasant conversation with Nate.

Somewhere along the line Oni and Aimee had left as well. Maria excused herself an did not return… Around the same time I wanted to run. Aras had mentioned Certeneau Flatts…  I dropped my spoon an tried to compose myself rather then fleeing at the name of that forsaken place. I think Nate could tell something had upset me though I had tried to play it off with the whole dropping of my spoon.

I tried my best to ignore the conversation between Aras and Chloe. I tried to focus on talking with Nate. He was very kind an considerate. I eventually did tell him I had lost someone on that day. An that this whole celebration leaves me very restless an less then cheerful. He was very understanding an did make an attempt to make me smile again. Eventually it was just the two of us left at the house. An the time escaped us as we talked. Eventually he had to part ways though he said he may stop back again sometime. I hope so. His presence was a comfort. I think the two of us could have a nice friendship.

I think I may avoid the house for a few days. I am unsure how I feel about those three speaking of my building friendship with Leera. Especially when it seems they are hiding something from me an merely trying to cover it with something as simple as claiming wanting to make sure the canons do not fire on a guest… Something is not right here. I intend to eventually find out. One way or another. But… I think I need a day or two to calm down before I do more harm then good about the whole thing. Maybe take that trip with Dekkarra.

(Yup another journal entry. Cause last night was worthy of one. 😀 An because I am plotting very evil things against my poor Dest. I already got Felix on the boat. I am sure I can talk Oni into this plan too. Maybe I can talk @winterdeepelegy into this plot too. 😛 I just don’t want to go into many details here. Cause this is going to be hilarious. XD At least Felix and I think so. I want to work out more details in private between a few people before I say anything concrete on the plot. ^_- I am so evil to my poor muse.)

I figured as it is each week that last night would be fairly routine. Some job Rhisi found for us to do. An it was something pretty routine even if it was an annoying job. Our job was to go slay an harvest some things off Morbols in the Shroud.

It was not really the job itself that made the night chaotic. Oh no. That started before we had even had a chance to leave the house. Everything seemed routine so far. Leera had happened to even show up. Which was a pleasant surprise.

It was Luna showing up that caught me completely off guard. In a… more… Hmm… Bigger form. She was not quite a succubus but she was. It was quite shocking. At first I had no clue who the woman was until the moment she pretty much clobbered me in a hug. I had to look at her an study her face for a moment. The way she talked even. An then it finally dawned on me that our little Luna had somehow gotten full sized.

I barely heard the mission details around all that was going on. I had to quickly dash off to my room to get changed before we were leaving. Apparently Leera and Luna would both be going along as well. Definitely would make for an interesting night.

So Rhisi asked me to teleport us all off to Bentbranch once we were all outside an ready to go. We made the journey on foot up towards the Haukke Manor area. I asked Leera to remain close since he is more of a crafter then a fighter. I figured being a healer it was safe to remain near my side.

When we neared the area where would be best to hunt Morbol we encountered a Voidal, Forneus. We decided it was best to send him back to the void he had come from rather then allowing him to plague the Shroud. We had not expected the fight he put up against us. I was glad I had decided to change into my tougher gear before we had left the house. I did manage to get hit with one of his attacks when he looked my way for trying to keep our front line fighters from falling. It left me winded and hurting. But it was not enough to take me out as Daisy helped with the healing as well. Somedays I believe my Uncle Ricard knew Daisy would be invaluable to me.

It was dangerous fighting compared to most of the work we have done lately. I had lost sight of Leera in all the commotion. I had been so worried about the well being of the Order members that he had almost completely slipped my mind in the chaos. I had hoped he had taken shelter away from the fighting. After seeing to the Order members I was finally able to look for him.

Thankfully I found him alive an well if not a little winded. Though he had changed clothes which had surprised me. I sent Daisy over to keep an eye on the Order members as they started hacking into Morbols while I checked on Leera. Both out of habit an concern for a friend. At least I hope he sees me at least as a friend by this point.

An then one of the morbol let loose a Bad Breath upon the team. Leera and I had been a bit too far back for the attack to actually reach us. Though we could clearly smell it from where we stood. Thankfully no one was really hurt though everyone would definitely need a good scrubbing an maybe burning their clothes… I felt bad for not paying nearly enough attention to what was going on but I had been making sure Leera was not injured. Curse my mind being distracted by a good looking man. Thankfully Daisy was there.

Once enough morbol parts were collected everyone headed out until just Leera and I remained. We agreed to meet back at the Order’s house after we had both had a chance to freshen up.

When I left my room I ran into Luna again. I had just enough time to duck an incoming dragonet as I had left my door open just enough. Lady went straight up to Luna an hovered before her. Almost as if Lady knew full well that this full sized Luna was the same Luna who caused mischief with her when in tiny form. I had time to chat with Luna for a bit before Leera finally showed up at the door.

Leera and I decided to head upstairs to grab drinks. Not the alcoholic kind of course. If he does not drink then I do not feel right drinking in front of him. Well… I do not wish to show him that side of myself either. Not yet when I feel like I do not know him well enough to be drunk around him. We chatted as we sat on the couch. I might have admitted to him I have a bit of a problem thing for elezen of the dark skinned variety. Though I am not sure he fully understood either. But he was at least not driven away by what I said. He was… Quite understanding. I can not even remember why I had decided to mention it. Maybe because I knew the teasing some of the Order members enjoy would eventually give him strange ideas about me. Not that I am not strange. My whole life has been one strange thing after another. I am like a magnet for the strange and weird. Though I did well to avoid mentioning some of the stranger things that occur around the Order members. Such as Oni an Raiden’s licking habits…

I am still not over that beach day! Raiden! Ugh… It is not nice to play with a woman’s emotions!

Leera and I chatted alone for a while until Luna brought up another house guest to talk with us. Sadly I was not able to talk with her long though Lady clearly approved of the girl by sitting upon her head. However as it seems to be lately… Time was gone before I knew it an I had to be heading to bed. Leera is a very wonderful distraction person.

(Journal time! 😀 Yay!)

Dinner this week was pleasant. Though nothing special really.

Unless you count the teasing. An me showing off my new hair an clothes. I got some nice compliments on my choices of coloring an how everything turned out. I must say at first I was a bit leery about my choices but it seems have turned out just fine. I am glad.

Felix of course was in a teasing mood. I suspect it was because of my behavior the day before when we went drinking. Especially when he made the teasing comment about not being able to walk home for being drunk. I might have kicked him under the table. An I thought about tossing part of a dumpling at him. Though I did resist that temptation.

We ended up with a guest at the house. However I called it an early night an did not get much of a chance to know the lady. I was rather tired an had a long day ahead of me the following day.

I went about my errands for the day. I had much I wanted to accomplish before evening in case anything were to come up with the Order. It has been something I have been doing quite often as of late. Making sure all my errands and plans are finished before evening. Including some of the things I have taken to studying. I have done fairly well to make sure any bruises or cuts are healed before showing up at the Order. I would not be a very good healer if I showed up looking like I have been in a fight.
But I do not wish to mention anything about the more physical parts of my studies.

Last night was one of our relaxed nights at the house. Of course I had forgotten I was wearing my half-mask. Dusk thought I was injured somehow. Thankfully no. I had been wearing it because of this damnable celebrations for the anniversary of the calamity. I will NOT celebrate such an occasion. I do not have the heart to celebrate the death of people. Yes Eorzea was saved. But I would rather honor those who sacrificed themselves for our lives then celebrate. Something a bit more tasteful then a celebration. I have taken to wearing my mask in honor of my father. It… is not his. But… it is my fault his mask was lost. It was already damaged that day I took it from the house yet I still wore it an got it destroyed. I have no one to blame but myself for that poor decision.

We had a few guests present. A young miqo’te lass. An a rather striking traveler. I picked Nathaniel Castor to talk to. Not that I have anything against miqo’te. She was just not very… Clean. Besides Nathaniel seemed to be more interesting to chat with. A fellow from Gridania an a traveler. As well as someone else who seems to have trouble talking with a group. A sort of kindred spirit in some ways.

Nathaniel and I talked for a good bit until I apparently had a guest come calling for me specifically. Kagato was teasing me called me a princess with a prince calling for my attention. I was slightly embarrassed since Nathaniel was stuck watching this display.

Leera had come to visit again! I was very pleasantly surprised and happy. I had not been able to find him in time to ask him to the beach gathering. Though maybe that was a good thing with the things that happened. I pointed out names of the members of the Order present for Leera. An we had a pleasant conversation. An of course again time slipped away as I spoke with him. Sadly we both had to part ways for we both had things to do the next morning. I did mention the beach gatherings to him that occur at the end of the week. So maybe I shall have some handsome company. Well handsome company that is not part of the Order.

Damn that Raiden. I am still so confused about I how I should feel about him. One minute he is like a charming prince. The next he… Does stuff that drives me insane such as licking my face… UGH! SNAKE! An sometimes I wonder why I have such problems. Why must Raiden be so damned good looking…

(Journal entry! 😀 Yesterday was tons of fun. Thanks guys for giving me such a good day despite being home sick. @onidephor @xapamozei and Felix.)

Today should have been a very good day. Well I guess in a way it -was- a good day. With some exceptions of course.

I ran into X’apa downstairs near the airship docks. An I do mean I ran into the poor guy. I was too busy reading a book to watch where I was going as I headed down to the small bar there for some piece and quiet.

X’apa joined me for some refreshments at the bar. We talked for a bit about life. An about the misadventures he and Chee are planning to get into. An possibly joked about including some alcohol in their supplies an claiming it to be good for medical reasons. It was a nice time sitting there with him just talking about things. I wish I could go with Chee and X’apa on their trip they are planning. However it is their trip an I have other things I need to do.

We parted ways when it was time for me to join Felix at Ishgard. We had planned to go out for drinks. We started with some nice spiced wine at the Forgotten Knight before moving to a nice little bar in Coethras down by the Observatorium for mead.

Our conversations were light an playful. Well for the most part. I did try to figure out what kind of treats he liked out of curiosity. I sort of wanted to get something for him. To thank him for putting up with me drinking. I mean I am sure I am probably interesting to watch… But he did also have to take me home after.

I remember most of our conversations. Talks of him helping me plot to turn Raiden into a mummy using actual mummy wrappings from Qarn. Talk of men including possibly inviting Leera to the beach that night. I -might- have mentioned he was yummy for a highlander man. Curse the mead an my mouth… I guess what they say about loose lips an alcohol is true. I do also remember telling him about my own stupidity right after leaving Ishgard. Might have told him also about Leon. I still think it would have been a nice contest to pit Leon against Raiden in the terms of scandalous behavior. Too bad it will never happen.

I do look forward to more outing with Felix on this kind. It was a very surprisingly good time. Even if I was too drunk to safely walk home on my own. Heh… An even if I was telling him so many things. Oh the endless teasing I shall endure. I felt entirely safe an comfortable just drinking an chatting with him. An enduring his teasing. Including the few times he had me blushing an just wondering what the heck he was thinking. He was lucky he was wearing armor. An that I was drunk so even if I had tried to swat him a few times I probably would have missed.

I decided to head back to my room at the Order once Felix left me at the Goblet. Of course I was feeling a bit steadier then I had when we left Coethras. So I was able to walk on my own. I seen Raiden sitting outside. As if he was waiting on my return. I dashed into the house an into my room.

I was not safe though. Curse it all. Raiden came into my room an I was definitely not sober enough to try an out maneuver him to escape. I did try to sneak away after telling him about a bottle of wine I had on the table when he thought I was not drunk enough. But… He knew… Damn that man. So I gave up an plopped my butt down on the couch to await my fate.

He walked behind the couch where I was sitting. I wanted to jump an run. I felt like a rabbit waiting for the wolf to pounce. I am pretty sure I was as red as an apple or worse as he leaned down to speak near my ear. An the way his hand was gently touching my face. Ugh! I was not sure if I wanted to melt or run. Raiden was so very confusing. In the end he left without doing more then driving me crazy. Said I had two hours till the beach an to wear my swimsuit.

Damn that man!

I showed up to the beach. I was in my swimsuit but I had left my tunic on over top as I looked around for Raiden. He was not there at first. Thankfully I was also more sober when I arrived. I teased Felix about the fact he had shown up in armor after mentioning while drinking he might show some skin if I was lucky. He said something about only if I showed more skin would he. Oh that man. He does not know well enough not to call me on that. I pulled off that tunic an teased him that he should go change. An boy… He came back in swim trunks! His skin tone is just a bit lighter then Leon’s. I even poked at his stomach as a joke was made that he might have metal abs.

I joined Felix and Chloe at the bar though I just got a water since how much I had to drink earlier in the day. I was still buzzing enough without adding more fuel to the fire. An wouldn’t you know it… Raiden finally showed up. An stood behind me… I nearly shrieked when his hands touched my shoulders. All sorts of thoughts were running through my head. Felix sort of stood up for me. Only sort of. An Raiden sat down in Felix’s lap an put his feet in mine.

Eventually I got the idea to try an tickle Raiden’s feet. It was quite the sight! Watching him fall backwards off Felix’s lap. Seeing only his butt and legs in the air. An I really really need to learn to shut my mouth. Cause after I said something Raiden was on the attack. I tried to bolt when he came to stand beside me but I caught my foot off the stool. I was unable to right my balance enough an ended up on my butt on the ground. Raiden pounced while I was vulnerable. ARGH!!! He licked from the tip of my ear to my face! I wanted to melt and shriek at the same time. A new blue streak! Ugh!

I know I was being dramatic but I did end up squealing in a mix of embarrassment an rage before flopping onto my back an closing my eyes. Eventually Bow was standing over me. Talking of throwing me into the ocean to wash off the slime. As much as the idea was tempting to allow Bow to carry me away like that… Ugh curse my problems. I allowed Bow to help me to my feet an joined her in walking down to the beach.

I tried to scrub my face with the ocean water. I’m sure I probably also made things worse. Maria was there. An there was talk of dying my hair blue to match the slime. An adding pink to my wardrobe to sort of look like yummy cotton candy. I am not much for pink in my clothes though.

Eventually I excused myself as Raiden and Aimee walked up. I do not know why I did what I did. I guess a part of me was so annoyed I had to get even right then an there. I walked up to the two of them an tried to get at Raiden to tickle his sides. Aimee might have doused all three of us with water because she had gotten caught in the middle of things. An Raiden… Insufferable! He was not even phased. I ended up apologizing to Aimee an stalking back towards dry sand.

Eventually Bow and Chloe came to join me on the beach. An Felix might have teased one last time as he walked by to head home. I must remember to elbow him later for that tease.

We talked about ways to get even with Raiden. An eventually it turned into just general chatter as I laid back against the sand. I ended up dozing off there in the warmth with Bow on one side and Neiven on the other. Oh yes Neiven showed up not long after Felix had left. So there was talk of me trying to bite Bow’s butt… I swear that joke will never disappear. Sadly I missed Bow leaving since I had dozed off.

This morning however… I noticed more blue in my hair on the side that Raiden had licked. I had made it worse when scrubbing my face. So I set about dying my hair an eventually going through my wardrobe to make changes as well. If I am going to have blue hair I might as well make the best of it.

(Yay journal entry time. Cause why not! An because I need something to do while sick at home from work. XD An because Dest had a very interesting night last night. 😉 Hehe. Hopefully later will be fun too since Dest and Felix have drinking plans in Ishgard.)

This week has been both interesting and… strange. Dusk still baffles me. I can not tell if it is just in her behavior or the strange things she does. But I can not help but find her a bit unnerving at times.

A few days ago we journeyed into Cutter’s Cry to deal with an antlion queen. Dusk made me her assistant for whatever it was she was doing. Some sort of ritual. Involving water and candles an her magic. Luna had come along an made a sort of Clay version of Kagato since he is still unable to be found.

Chloe and ClayGato dealt with subduing the Queen as Dusk began the ritual. I left Daisy to seeing over the well being of the others as I got the water an began to pour it as Dusk directed. In the end when Dusk said the ritual was completed and the candles were now a creepy black, Chloe put down the queen. I helped to collect the candles much to my dismay at the idea of touching them. Something about using the queen’s fear an pain to make the candles… It just does not sit well with me.

The next day was another mission outside of Ul’dah. Apparently our actions a few weeks ago had consequences we had not considered. Killing the bees to help the refugees led to problems for the Miners. It seems they also used the honey from the bees to make Mead to compliment their income from mining.

I was sent with Dusk and Chloe out to East Shroud to speak with the bee keepers about possibly acquiring some bees to replace those we had killed. I was picked because of our camping trip several weeks back when Rhisi an I had gotten honey for the food. I had mentioned I used to spend a lot of time in the East Shroud.

So we went out to talk to Rosa. She runs the bee hives out there an even makes good profit on Mead from the honey she harvests. We were in luck that Rosa was working and kind enough to give us a young queen bee with a few males to help populate a hive. All she asked us for was some of the Mead the miners would produce with her bees to see their work an compare it to hers. And well a little of my time an my skill with a bow. Some of the wildlife can sometimes be bothersome to her an the bees. A small price to pay.

With the crate Chloe was able to put together and the herbs Dusk used, we were able to get the bees back over to the miners of Nanawa. I’m not quite sure what the other members of the Order had been doing but they looked like they had been kept more then busy in our absence.

However… I guess time got away from me this year with as busy as my life has been. Before I knew it, people were back into that festive spirit again to thank the Archon and the Warriors of Light for saving the world from the Calamity. I can not believe another year has passed already…

The pain is less then it used to be. But it also explains why the nightmares have been a bit more persistent lately. Another year since Carteneau. Another year since I nearly died… I guess I should find time to visit my father’s grave. As well as Leon’s of course. Not that Leon passed at this time of year. More to thank him again for the hand he had in saving my life.

I returned to the house in a less then cheerful mood, hiding my eyes behind that half-mask I had made to replace my father’s old mask. It seems I walked into quite the end of a conversation. Something about water walking around… An I wonder why Dusk makes me question things…

Dusk an Maria had just been leaving. Felix an Annowre were still there near the fireplace. As usual Felix offered me a glass of that white wine which I gladly accepted. The three of us talked for a bit an I mentioned my dislike for this festival. Eventually she left after finding a can of chocolate whipped cream in the kitchen. Felix an I talked for a few moments longer before he decided it was time to retire for the evening.

But before he could leave there was a knock at the door. Apparently we had a late night guest. Surprising. Although I think what surprised me more was that it was… A rather handsome duskwight. An Felix decided to leave me alone with him. Me! Alone with Leera. Felix even gave me a playful jab before departing… That man! I was so very nervous despite that glass of wine I had had.

I showed Leera around the house as we talked. Told him what I could about the Order though I am no officer. I tried my best not to be a nervous wreck though I could not keep myself was looking at him… Curse my problems for dark skinned elezen... I learned he was from the Gridanian outskirts which is probably a good thing since there is still a good bit of prejudice against Duskwights. An he is more of man of the craft than one of battle.

I had told him I was a healer for the Order but I was also not helpless because I do have skill with a bow.
He may have made a reference to me being a rose with thorns.

I could not hide my blush at such a comment. We talked for a bit longer upstairs over drinks. Though not the alcoholic kind. Leera admitted he does not drink.

I was having such a pleasant evening speaking with this handsome man that before I knew it, it was very late. How time flies when one is having fun. Especially with one such as Leera. We parted with the hopes of seeing one another again. He was a total gentleman. Unlike that Raiden… Who of course is probably still plotting ways to get even with me for Frost…

I went to bed feeling much better then I had before Leera had shown up. He had given my mind other things to think of then loss. Heh. Maybe I will seek him out personally soon. I would not mind losing a few more hours time in his presence.

(So I might have been sitting in Ul’dah yesterday just sort of watching people running by an such. I had had a bad day at work. XD So I was wanted to RP yet at the same time not. An then there is also the shy thing where I am sort of nervous about walking up to a stranger. It’s like “Hey you’re cute~!” >_> Yeah… I can’t do that. So I was in a way… Elf stalking. XD Gawd my thing for Elezen. An I may have followed two of the cuties on here. XD An now they are following me. So allow me to go bury my head in the sand now kthxbai! An to make matters worse or better or funnier… Whatever. XD Konner an Neiven found me in Ul’dah an I might have mentioned in our OOC chat channel that I was Elezen watching while reading. What do those two do? They started walking up to random Elezen dudes an trying to talk to them. An somehow they got onto butt biting. XD OMG! Definitely helped lighten my mood while at the same time embarrassing me. Anyways! Time for a new journal entry for Dest.)

Dinner the other night was very nice. Rhisi as always prepared a wonderful meal for us. For once we also had a full table. It was quite the change to what I was used to seeing. We had a traveling magician of sorts join us this night too.

He had the silverware putting on a show for us as it carved up the roast in a rather spectacular fashion. Imagine a man made of utensils. It was quite a nice show though I think it would have been something that would have amused children to no end.

As things wound down… It was the end of dinner that things got dark. Kagato mentioned going back down into that forsaken place yet again. I fear for him. I really do. He refused to allow any of us to go with him because he claims we are not expendable. He would rather take the risk of going with strangers. It upset Rhisi very much that he refused our help or our words. I… I just did not know what was best to do about this… So I retired to my room an figured if I was needed someone would let me know.

I was not in the best of moods the next day. I had not slept well. Nightmares of course. I guess my few days away helped but not nearly enough. So once my work was done for the day I went to Ul’dah to just wander about.

I ran into Neiven and Konner. I was not really in the mood to explain my true reasons for wandering around the city. So I used an excuse. Not that the distraction would not have been welcomed. Maybe it was what I should have been doing anyways. Ul’dah is never lacking in people. I told the both of them I was Elezen watching. Since… Well… My thing for elezen… Not that there are many of them around Ul’dah. I did see a few but of course I would not have had the nerve to walk up to them.

Well the two of them got it into their heads that they needed to act like… wingmen. Ugh! An in their silly antics also got it into their heads that butt biting was an elezen thing or something. I never so much wanted to bury my head more so then that moment. They were walking up to complete strangers (elezen of course) an asking them things. The plus side to all this insanity… It did lighten my mood.

I finally left Ul’dah to return to the house in the Goblet. I did not want to run into any of the people they talked to… It would have been very embarrassing.

Chee came by the house shortly after I had gone upstairs with the intention of getting a glass of wine to calm my nerves. We got to talking for a few moments before Felix joined us upstairs an got that nice white wine I like for Chee and I. I am unsure how long it was till we heard more voices downstairs. One of which being Raiden’s voice.

An apparently Raiden wants to get even with me for getting him in trouble with Frost at the beach the other night. Ugh… Why me?! He should not have used Frost’s name as a distraction!

Raiden eventually even came upstairs with Aimee clinging onto him. An blue ceruleum on her hair an forehead because of Raiden. I kept my eyes on him as I downed that first glass of wine rather quickly. I thought I might need it an more to deal with what might happen. Of course Raiden went for a different target though. He went over an gave Felix a sloppy ceruleum kiss… Heh. I only felt slightly bad for him. After all Felix was enjoying my discomfort the night at the beach when I had Frost on one side of me and Raiden on the other.

Of course leave it to Raiden though. He came over to me only to torment me with the knowledge that he was not going to get me tonight. He was going to let me stew for a bit. Strike when I am not expecting it. Ugh! Again I say… Why me?! Of course he also mentioned he had a list of like three people he liked to kiss.  An of course I was one of those three along with Aimee and Felix. I do believe he loves to watch me squirm an suffer. Well I guess suffer is not really the right word. It makes it sound like he does all this with ill intent. I know it is all in good fun. I guess that is why I endure it. Not that it does not drive me crazy.

A old friend of the Order dropped by to visit briefly and leave a nice tray of cakes an sweets. Mmm… Sweets. Of course by then I had already had three glasses of wine. So I was not fully following any of the conversations. Though I do remember Luna coming in. She was in a sort of panic. Seems we were right to worry about Kagato going back down there by himself. However there is nothing I can do at this time. I shall wait for Rhisi to call us to aid in the rescue. Kagato…

Most had left for the evening after that. Except for another guest at the house. A rather striking lady elezen named Bow. We spent a bit talking as we snacked on a treat from the tray of sweets. Neiven came back by an the three of us talked. Even mentioned the situation from earlier in Ul’dah. I hope to get to see Bow again. I would like to get to know her a bit more. Perhaps when I am a bit more sober.

(I wanted to make a journal entry last night. XD But it was almost 1am. So I’m going to do so now instead lol.)

My weekend away… Was much needed. I feel better then I had before I went away. I decided to visit the Forelands an give Lady time to be among her kind. After all I can only allow my little dragonet to follow me so much. She is still a dragon after all.

Of course since I was on my own I took my bow instead of my tome. It would give me a chance to keep up my skills. I know I much prefer healing now but… I can not simply forsake all my father and Leon taught me because of a few nightmares. Leon would tease me for my weakness an my father would be disappointed. Sometimes though… my hands still shake when I reach for my bow. Thankfully it is only when I feel at my worst that my hands are unsteady.

Anyways I should not continue to dwell on the past again. Leon always told me I should pay attention to the present. The past was just a stepping stone to reach where we are today. Find myself a pretty distraction if my thoughts were a bit darker then they should be. But then again Leon was also a terrible flirt with the ladies. I do not think I would have made it past the nightmares without his presence though. I should take flowers to his grave soon.

Thinking of Leon… I wonder where Uncle Ricard is now. I still have not seen him since he left me. Though he does still occasionally send me a letter to let me know he is still alive.

But yes my weekend was chaotic but at the same time just what I needed. I might have been chased once or twice by wildlife in the Forelands… Might have gotten a few scrapes an minor cuts. Makes me glad I have been studying more average methods of healing since I left my stone an tome at home so Daisy was not at my side. I guess I turned myself into my own practice dummy for treatment. Heh…

I made it out of the Forelands just in time for the Beach gathering in the Mist. The only downside was that I did not have time for a trip home for a change of clothes. Which might have been a good thing anyways since my tunic sleeves hid most of my attempts at bandages for my cuts. It was rather warm for my gear though. I left my bow an mask in the sand under the tent where Felix and Dusk were sitting.

Of course then I remembered the odds of Frost or Raiden showing up. Because I could hear their voices though I was not close enough to hear any of their words. It was enough though to make me want to bury my head in the sand. The things Oni said… Ugh! Thankfully Felix had some of that wine I like on hand. Bless him.

I was just finishing that first glass to try an calm my nerves when Frost walked over. I jumped. No doubt about that. Then Raiden joined us. I am pretty sure I squeaked an jumped again… Now I really did want to bury my head. An Felix offered me a second glass of wine. I think he knew I was going to need it. Badly.

Frost asked me what I was so… Embarrassed about. So I told him the things Oni had said the day he licked me… I think Frost was a bit peeved at both Oni and Raiden for it. Raiden took off to get something from Oni’s house nearby an to escape Frost. Frost went chasing after him.

Eventually I did catch Frost returning alone an wandering down to the water. I took a deep breath an kicked off my boots before following him down at a distance. I felt slightly nervous and afraid. Afraid that he might have gotten the wrong idea by my behavior an the way things had happened. I was worried it might hamper my attempts at being friends with him.

I apologized yet again to Frost. I seem to be doing that a lot lately when it comes to him. I explained to him how I am married an I really did just want to be friends. He apologized for Oni/Raiden’s behavior but he should not have had to. It was not his fault that they decided to use his name to distract me. Or his fault that I allowed it to distract me. I soon found myself explaining a bit of my thing for elezen men. An I might have mentioned how they were a distraction an a curiosity. An mention of the nightmares. But… I felt an odd sort of comfort talking to him or maybe it was just the second glass of wine. Probably the wine. After all I barely know much about Frost.

We did also talk about more then just the dark an depressing. There was also talk about how Coerthas used to be green. The way elezen of Ishgard and Gridania differed and to avoid Silencieuse Duskwights because they like to tamper with the Void. It was a rather pleasant night. I did not even care that I was sitting in the ocean waters in my gear. Thankfully my most important items were back at the safety of the tents though. I felt maybe I stood a chance at getting to know Frost after all.

Anyways I have much still to do. On many fronts. At least I am feeling much better.

(Most likely the last journal entry for the week. I’m going to be away all weekend without FFXIV. Nooo~! XD But I hope this weekend will be fun anyways. ^^ Hoping to be back in time for the weekly beach gathering though on Sunday. Though last night… *snickers* I think Dest has found herself the perfect drinking buddy. An the two of them are going to have that friendship that confuses everyone. XD You know the kind where people think they are dating an it is no where close to true. This is going to be so fun to play around with.)

The last two days… Have left me with mixed feelings. Do not take this wrong. I have no intentions of leaving the Order. No matter what my feelings are right now. This is my present not my past. Even if the last bit of time has been reminding me painfully.

Unfortunately for the first time in my life I had to dye the color of my hair from its natural shade. It seems when I was trying to clean Oni’s drool off my face… I must have gotten some into my hair. So I now have sections of blue in my hair. I tried to cover it. Tried to make it look more natural by dying my hair purple. Thankfully there have only been a few surprised reactions to the sudden change. None that have claimed it look back on me.

I know I am more then the color of my hair. It is just… A vast change from what I have spent all my life knowing. It was a bit startling to myself.

But that is not what brings on these mixed feelings. Eventually the blue shall fade. Conversations the last few days have dredged up old memories.

Last night… A story was told of events that had occurred to some of the Order’s members in the past. Most of the names I did not recognize among those who currently call the Order home. It was… a very dark story. Black Valley. I do not recognize the name though it is a place within the Shroud. Probably because of the horrifying things that occurred there as I listened to the story.

The things spoken of in that story… I shudder to recall the images that came to mind as I listened. They were not pleasant. An they stirred up old memories of my own though they pale in comparison to the horrors Rhisi an those at the Black Valley must have had to deal with. I was barely able to remain seated there until the end of the story.

I wanted to run outside into the fresh air. I wanted to be anywhere but sitting there imagining those horrors. Worse that Dusk has mentioned a need for the Order to return there. I… I do not know if I can manage that… To face something like that… To be able to hold my ground…

It is not that I am… Afraid. I thought I had moved past the nightmares that use to plague me after my rash of stupidity upon leaving Ishgard after five years. But lately… There have been things reminding me… Bringing those nightmares back. That story… The blood… The faces haunting my dreams… I think… I am going to go away for the weekend. Try to restore myself. I can not break now. Not now…

Thankfully Felix was kind enough to bring me a glass of wine. I might have accepted stronger if it was not for the fact that we had a mission later. I did not want to be trying to preform my tasks drunk. The wine was enough to bolster my failing spirit. Though there was a mention about a Castrum… Thankfully the topic did not linger there long or the wine might not have been enough to keep me sane.

I was paired with Maria and Felix for our trip down into some
Gelmorra

ruins. It was my first time into combat with Felix. An with Maria. I was looking forward to it actually. I have been getting along well with Felix so far an was excited to be paired with him. Though I was concerned with Kagato going tonight as he seemed… Very quiet. I can not find a better word right now to describe it. Not when I am still learning about many of the members of the Order. But Kagato was with Aimee an Oni. I was sure they would be fine.

Things went decently is probably the best way to describe what happened on our end of the trip into the ruins. The aether down there was making Felix a little green. Well beyond the lovely shade of green he was when a trap turned him into a frog for a short bit. Heh. We reached a voidal creature towards the end of our journey through the first section without encountering any of these so called spirits we were to look into. I decided to use one of the pomanders we had found on our way towards the end of the section.

I HATE that pomander of lust. I feel so disgusting after using it… Like I want to scrub my skin till it is raw an just keep scrubbing. I have nothing against Luna who has been following Kagato around like a cute pet succubus. But I NEVER want to be one. Ugh!

So when we got back to the house finally I took Felix up on that earlier offer of something a bit stronger then wine. So Felix, Dusk, Maria, and myself sat around the dinning table for a bit an chatted as we drank. I think… Dusk may have mistaken my slightly intoxicated behavior with Felix as if we had known each other a long time an possibly might have something between us. I could be wrong. I was intoxicated though not as bad as the last time. The stuff Felix gave us… He said it was strong… He was not kidding. Not that I wouldn’t mind getting to know Felix better. What I have seen of him thus far makes me think we could have a very wonderful friendship.

I will admit though. He is rather striking for a Highlander. Not that I would try to pursue him. I am a married woman after all. I have to draw a line somewhere. Even when it comes to my thing for tall, dark, handsome elezen men. Heh. Distractions are a nice thing. Especially to help keep my mind on the present an away from the past.

(Wow another journal entry so soon! o_o Well I couldn’t help it. 😀 Last night was very much fun an a bit surprising. I was laughing so much by the end of it. I blame @onidephor! An don’t apologize @winterdeepelegy 😀 It might have been brief an Frost being Frost but I was totally tickled personally. ^_^ Thanks for a great night you two.)

I’m not sure how to feel right now. I know it has only been days since the last time I wrote in here. An I was not feeling particularly… Light-hearted after the end of my last entry. But last night… Was much needed in helping me lift my spirits.

Though before I get to that part of the day. I did finally set up a room at the Order’s house. I figured it was a good idea. In case I have any more nights where I end up drinking an am not sure if it is wise to walk home. As well as it gives me a place to keep clothes an books as needed. Not that walking back an forth between the Order house an my own home is that bad. Just saves time. Chee aided me in getting the room setup. We even added an extra bed in case Chee needed a place to crash while visiting. I finished not long before the gathering. So I went almost as soon as I was done.

I joined the others at Bronze Lake last night for our weekly gathering. When I got there is was just members of the Order. I took a seat in the waters near Dusk and Kagato. Lady had insisted on tagging along. She has been rather… Insistent since the other night. Kagato was just beginning to tell a story of why he is not comfortable in Gridania.

I however was very much distracted. An reminded once more of the other evening. Frost showed up an I noticed Aimee dragging him over to a nearby part of the waters. Of course I could not help but notice his bandages once he removed his shirt. I… very much wanted to go over an see about his well being. But… He had Aimee there. He was in good hands. She would understand more then I would anyways for those involved in the experiments.

Needless to say I felt… Inadequate. For all my experience as an adventurer… I was still so inexperienced as well. As well as Lady was being so overly pestering. I think she knew I was feeling a bit down. So as the waters cleared of a few people I went over to sit near Kagato an join him for a drink. He seemed quiet an distracted as much as myself. We got to speaking an mention might have been made of things that happened the week before at Forgotten Springs. An Oni might have heard us. I swear Oni an Raiden have superior hearing…

Oni eventually, though tired, made his way over to us. I was pretty much trapped with my back to a wall. Well more like a railing an plants. But still very much the same, trapped. I could not even maneuver past him to escape away in the water where he might not follow. Just when I thought I was doomed to the same fate as Felix… Aimee did something to stun Oni for a few moments. So I took my chance to slip past him towards the waters where Aimee and Frost were.

An slipped… On water… My footing was already not as steady an sure since I had had a glass of wine. So I found myself on my butt rather ungracefully, still a good distance from safety. I thought for sure I was doomed to be licked by Oni as I sat there.

The next thing I knew… There was a hand reaching out to me. For a moment I could not breath as I looked up to see Frost looking down at me. I thought my heart might stop in my surprise. I took his hand an allowed him to help me to stand. Though the moment was so very brief… I couldn’t help but desire more. Argh! Why must I have such a weakness for men like Raiden and Frost… Of course all I could think of was to thank him for his aid. Well… At least I did thank him though I wish I could have managed more then just that. As cold an anti-social as he can be… I still want to try. I still want to attempt a friendship with him. As I’ve heard it said before, still waters run deep.

I think… I felt much better after the night ended. Much better then I had when the night began at the very least.