(Journal entry time again for Dest. Not nearly as soon as I would have liked to though. Just finished a 40hr work week an tomorrow I start a 44hr work week. So between new content and RP an work… An my stupid car being a piece of crap… x_x Ugh. Why! An yes our work schedule starts on a Friday. So my weeks are weird. But then again my work hours are never steady. XD Like all this weekend I have a very evil 11a-7p shift. Shoots my whole day just about. Means catching up on neglected tv/anime. But sucks for getting much game time. So while I have been making progress on Lance it is not nearly as much as I would like.

I’m debating trying to get into some tumblr RP or something to start working on Lance outside of the game. But… *wrings hands* I would not even know where to begin or who to ask. *hides* Just doing writing for Dest’s backstory and her journal entries… I was nervous enough about sharing those as I started. I hate asking people for stuff because I feel like I’m a bother. ._.; *sigh* Anyways I better get to writing for Dest for the time being. I still have roulettes to get done.)

Rhisi and I ventured out to the Shroud for a bit the next day. Thankfully I wasn’t too hung over from the wine the night before. She had planned something that she hoped would help me deal with my problems. A ritual of sorts.

Towards the end of the ritual she had me burn a black mask. One that looked like one my father would wear if it was not for its dark coloring. All that remained in that bowl at the end was a green gemstone. A reminder an good luck charm. That even when things look dark I have people who are my support. Things that I treasure above the pain an suffering of those old memories. To let the waters wash away the pain an rely on the things and people I call my support. To let go of the burdens I’ve held onto for so long.

The green of that stone… It reminded me of Leon. An of the forests of the Shroud. An truth be told… My heart was feeling a bit lighter by the end of the ritual. I would not say I am no longer broken. But… Maybe I am finally on the right path again. I think without Leon I got lost again. I was half way there an then he passed. I may have this gemstone made into a piece of jewelry. Something I can always wear. I just need to figure out how to work green into my clothing.

I joined the others at the end of week gather at Bronze Lake. Nate was already there when I arrived. I was glad to see him once more after life’s demands had kept him from visiting for a time. I had decided to go sit with him in the water an catch up on what had happened in our lives lately. But Kagato then showed up.

I was both shocked and surprised. I had not expected to see Kagato again for a bit of time. I promised Nate I would join him shortly. I needed to check on Kagato. I was still worried for how wounded he had been when he left that night. The healing had not been complete. He assured me he was fine an would let me know if he needed my attention. Told me he had left Luna with someone he knows who might be able to help her. I was relieved an left him to join Nate in the water.

I was glad when Quarcy cornered Kagato an insisted the pirate let him exam the wounds an change the bandages. Thank goodness for small favors. I couldn’t help but glance over from time to time as I talked with Nate. I was still worried for Kagato’s well being. I was still fairly drained from our work on the last mission. One day and a half had not been enough to fully recover this time. The waters at Bronze Lake and talking with Nate though helped me to relax an start feeling better.

I was disappointed when Nate had to depart for the evening. But it gave me a chance to really check on Kagato. I went over as Tara was giving him hell about drinking with as injured as he was. I also agreed that he should cut back while healing. He stalked off, mad at the both of us. I followed after him an sat down beside him. I put a gentle hand on his back an used what little magic I had recovered to at least ease his pain I’m sure he was in still.

Kagato talked to me. Told me why he drinks. I listened this time unlike the story he had told about why he is not welcome in Gridania. I had no distractions this time. I finally got him to agree to at least cutback while he recovered. I didn’t bother asking him to stop. It’s not my business. I just wanted him to recover as quickly as he could. We still have that reaper to deal with an I’m sure Kagato wants to pay him back for the pain he has caused. I’d feel safer having Kagato on that battlefield fully recovered.

I talked with Tara, Terra, and C’lest for a bit after Kagato left for the evening. I may have mentioned an old idea of wanting to turn Oni into a mummy with bandages.

An I may have done so. An not considered it to be the bad idea it was at the time. I thought it was funny. Did not consider I should probably wait until Oni was fully recovered. I made a mistake.

The day after the usual dinner night… I was pulled aside with Tara in Konner’s office. Aimee and Oni had choice words for my behavior. Tara was pulled into this all because she should have done something to help Oni instead of finding it funny. It was my fault! They should not have blamed her in any way! If I had not done it she would never have been involved. It is not fair that they punish her for MY mistakes. It was my choice! Rhisi was there as a mediator. We were both given tasks to do as punishment.

Oni… His words… When he told Tara he was an officer an did not want to be treated like her blood brother… I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream. I did my best to keep my face blank but I was failing fast. I apologize and excused myself. I bolted to my room an threw a book across the room in my rage. I quickly changed my clothes into my archery clothes an put on my half-mask. I then sat down on the floor near the bath, holding the stuffed chocobo close. I still find myself reaching for that mask every time I feel so emotionally unstable. As if wearing it gives me the ability to better hide the pain an sorrow.

Rhisi eventually came by to check on me. I was near tears when she came. I tried my hardest not to break down. I just wanted to be left alone. I know she was trying to make me not feel so bad. So worthless. Why was it all I ever did never felt good enough or was a mistake… I know I am not Aimee. I have had barely over two years to learn what I do know as a healer but damn it all I am trying! I just… wanted the Order to feel like my family. I thought…

Heavens damn him! If he thinks he can just treat me like a healer snack… Or call my aether small an like unripe fruit… If he thinks he can just keep sending me mixed signals then to hell with him. At least Leera was honest even if he was an ass. I’d rather be Leera’s toy then keep trying to be friend’s with Oni an not be sure just how much I can actually be myself around him. If he thinks I’m going to continue training just for him to have a better snack he better think again. Halone have mercy on him if he thinks I’m going to just deal with this quietly.

After Rhisi left I was still feeling blue. I had no intentions of quitting because of this setback. I would have to find time around everything else to deal with this stupid list of tasks. I walked past whoever was downstairs in the house an headed up to the bar. I needed a drink. I did not care what kind of guests we had. Though I was surprised to find Nate upstairs at the bar. He joined me for drinks an picked some rum for us. I don’t usually drink rum but for this night I would. I finally took off that mask as I made conversation with Nate.

Apparently Oni was listening to our conversation from downstairs. Stupid jerk. He had wandered upstairs to get something from the bar an stopped to see if we would join everyone downstairs. I felt an icy rage. I did my best to keep my face calm an without a drop of the pain I felt towards Oni. If he wants to be treated like an officer… Then I will damn well treat him like one.

I remained upstairs with Nate. He was fine with us staying up here away from everyone else. I think he did it because he knew how upset I was. Because he knew I did not wish to join the others this night. Eventually we had to go downstairs though. That was the only way to reach the guest rooms since Nate was staying the night at the house. I had to lean on him for support. I was too unsteady on my own feet to make it safely without aid. This is why I usually stick to wine.

It wasn’t until I was alone in my room that I collapsed on the bed an groaned. I had hugged Nate. Being so close to him… I realized how much he looked like Leon. The same skin tone, the same hair color, and green eyes. Nate is no duskwight. Not even an elezen. But those similarities… Curse it all. My heart was a mess already without the alcohol an that realization. I was unable to sleep for a time. All I kept seeing was Leon or Nate’s eyes when I closed my own.

I managed to make it in time for a small mission last night. We went out gathering up fragments of the bombs that had exploded last mission. We were hoping to find something useful. I was still feeling… Moody after the night before. Thankfully I did not have to deal with Oni or Aimee.

We returned to the house with a bag of parts. Rhisi told me I was to get with Quarcy an do some research on technology. Whoever our Reaper friend is, their magitek is modified. It’s beyond the usual scope of Garlean tech. Thankfully Quarcy was at the house when I got there so that saved me the effort of tracking him down. I already have enough work before Rhisi added on with this research.

Quarcy and I discussed possibilities and theories. We even went over everything we knew already from all our missions. I filled in a few from before we met Quarcy. Apparently he thinks whoever our enemy is that they are using ancient magic. Something from the time of Mhach. I forget the word he used but he called it a geass as well. The enemy using the wildlife creatures… It is because they are low intelligent creatures. Controlling them with aether like he has is easier because of their low intelligence in comparison to using people.

Eventually as the night got late our conversation got diverted. We sat down with our backs against the railing of the stairs leading down. We talked of Ishgard and family. Apparently Quarcy had an old injury to the head he had never had looked at from a long time ago. Makes it hard for him to sleep. I told him he should let me check him sometime, see if there is anything I can do. Apparently he even knew my brother when he was studying in Ul’dah at the guild. Well they weren’t friends but he had still met him.

Quarcy took me a bit by surprise when he rested his head against my shoulder. I put a gentle hand on his head an let my magic try to ease the headache he had mentioned. We talked for just a bit longer. He asked if I saw him as a brother. I was caught off guard by that question. After the way the night before had gone… I still look at the Order as a sort of family. Dysfunctional but still family. So while I had never really stopped to consider if I considered Quarcy like a brother… I guess a part of me did. Eventually Quarcy managed to fall asleep there with his head resting against me. I was tired as well. I remembered our early few days of getting to know each other. That brief hug he had given me to comfort me that night in my room. I managed to doze off for a time beside him, a small smile on my face. I think sometime while we slept Daisy had plopped down in my lap to join us. I’m sure if anyone had passed us by it would have been a rather cute scene.

(Ouch. It had been a really bad week for Dest. D: An a rough week for me though I don’t have it nearly as bad as she does. I just have a lot more hours at work then I am used to. So Dest is taking the night off an hiding in her room with the door locked. Which means I go work on Lance! XD Yay! Well after dinner and a journal entry for Dest.)

This week… I just want to forget it all. I want to wipe it all away an begin again. I want to wash it all away like a bad memory. I feel as if I have taken steps backwards instead of forwards… I feel… I’m not sure what I feel right now other then completely lost…

Our mission at the middle of the week led us out to Northern Thanalan. Of course just that information made me nervous. I was almost tempted to refuse to go but I was the only healer present. I steeled myself instead an went with the team. I thought maybe I would get lucky an we would not have to set foot anywhere near the Castrum…

Oh how wrong I was… Every step closer to that place was painful. Not physically but emotionally. My steps faltered a moment as we went north from the Ceruleum Processing Plant. Every step closer to that Castrum and the Imperials lurking there… It did not matter that it was not Occidens. I have not set foot near a Castrum since my incident those years ago.

I thought I would get off lightly when we found our one target shortly before crossing completely into Imperial territory. I was still holding up decently though I was very much on edge. Even though every fiber of my being wanted to quit that place as fast as possible. Then we had to move further north for the second target…

Tara came under attack from Imperial soldiers as we were near the back of the group. Everything in me screamed to run. My hands were shaking so badly. I could barely cast spells as I helped her fend off the Imperials. So many images flashing through my mind… So many bad memories… So much pain…

I heard Rhisi calling for us. Calling for me to help. I was the only healer on duty an they had found the other target. I wanted nothing more then to sit down where I was standing an refuse to move. I wanted nothing more then to scream an cry… I forced myself to move. I forced myself not to have a breakdown. I focused on the fact that my friends… My family… Needed me… I needed to go to them. We managed to kill the second target. I finally collapsed to my knees, my strength finally giving in. Kagato went over to harass some nearby Imperials an I wanted to scream. The memories behind my closed eyes…

I fled back to the house at that point. I disappeared before anyone could say anything, running up the stairs to the second floor. I sat down on the floor by the fire an wrapped my arms around my knees. Dusk managed to find me. She didn’t push me for what was wrong. Merely offered her ear to listen if I needed it. I was not… In a state of mind for talking right that moment so she left me alone.

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to walk back downstairs. I could hear Oni and Tara talking but I don’t think I was really focusing on much of anything at that point. They called me over an I took a seat on the floor, trying not to look at either of them. Wanting to hide that pain I am sure was in my eyes… Wishing I had my mask to hide behind. But they got me to open up some. I admitted I was not okay. I admitted being that close to a castrum after what happened… After my near death… I was shaken.

Oni excused himself an left me alone with Tara. I moved over to sit beside her an check on her injuries as we talked. I feel like Tara is the sister I never had. I feel so comfortable around her. An I felt like I had failed her, letting her get hurt because I was barely functioning. She did not blame me. She thought it took a lot of strength just to remain there, doing the best I could without running away from what haunted me. I felt less shaken after speaking with her but I was still far from alright. So I sought out Rhisi. Maybe now was a good time to ask her how to get past all this. To find my way to move on.

Rhisi listened as I told her I wanted to be done hurting. I wanted to be done being so damaged. I do not want another night like that night. I did not want to have another moment where I could barely respond to the people I’ve come to care about so deeply. I wanted to move past this but I did not know how. Rhisi said we would get together before the end of week gathering to deal with my turmoil. Over three years later… I want to heal…

I took the next day off. I was feeling better then the night before but I was far from recovered.

Our mission last night… Was another blow to my already tattered emotional state. I was still feeling a bit of the strain from the last mission night. I was better but not fully. I listened mostly in silence as everyone else spoke. I had done another card reading before our mission. It showed a difficult night ahead for us. At least I had hoped not. I had hoped that maybe my emotional state had made the reading faulty.

The hornets in Central Thanalan were riled up, stinging travelers towards the gates leading to Southern Thanalan. I was sent with Tara and Dusk to find the nest. However I was stung only a few minutes into our trek an was forced to return to Aimee and Rhisi. The venom of these hornets was worse then normal. I feared maybe our ‘friend’ in the magitek reaper was involved again somehow.

I listened in silence as they spoke of the best way to deal with the nest. Quarcy had given me a salve for my sting. I was not affected as badly as some of the others. It helps being a healer. I was just not with it though to be of more help to Aimee and Rhisi with the others as they came back with stings.

We eventually froze the nest an captured the queen. We hurried to take her over towards Cutters Cry to release her away from areas that were commonly traveled by people. As we were releasing her, the reaper appeared to attack us.

He sent some kind of small exploding robots to deal with us as he vanished yet again. Oni took some bad damage to one of his legs after stomping on one of them. We were forced to flee. Aimee took Oni and Felix back to the house. I think Chloe followed to help tend to Oni. Kagato was trying to hold off the other machines as Rhisi gave us the order to get out of there. I ended up at Black Brush with Tara, Dusk, and Quarcy. I’m not sure where Rhisi disappeared to. An I was worried for Kagato. The other machines had sounded ready to explode as we had been sent away.

The explosion was loud enough to be heard from Black Brush. Tara and Dusk both seemed exhausted. Kagato was not responding over the linkpearl. Quarcy and I both hurried to try an find him. We were the only two available. I managed to find Kagato, still alive though badly hurt. I wanted to smack him so very badly for being so brave and stupid at the same time. I was glad he was aware enough to respond as Quarcy an I tried to decide the best options to deal with his injuries. We ended up taking him back to the house before we risked being attacked again.

We got Kagato into the medical ward. There was so much shrapnel in his back from the explosion. Quarcy and I worked together to try an remove it. I tried to ease his pain an close the wounds as Quarcy pulled out shrapnel. Eventually Quarcy had the idea to use Garuda Egi to help with removing it. It was a faster approach to dealing with as many pieces as we had to. At one point I had to force him to lie still because he wanted to go look for Luna in his condition. I had noticed blood on Kagato’s hat when it shifted after I pushed him back down against the bed but my hands were occupied with tending to his wounds on his back. I was also afraid to look… I remembered Luna hiding under his hat early on in the evening. Luna…

I finally took the hat from his head after we finished removing the shrapnel… I found Luna… I wanted to cry… A piece of shrapnel from the explosion had hit the tiny succubus in the chest. I did not know how to help her or even if I could. I did finally begin to cry silently as Kagato took her from my hands. I wanted to stop him as he made to leave. My heart was just not in it… He was hurting both physically and emotionally. All I could do was ask him to be careful an let us know if there was anything we could do to help. I sat there numbly on the floor after Kagato left. I could hear Quarcy and Aras speaking but I can’t remember the words. I was in shock I think besides feeling so very drained.

I managed to make it back to my room. I haven’t set foot outside of this room since. I have no plans of joining the world today… I have a bottle of wine an books. I plan to stay here as long as I can. Unless there is an emergency… I think I want to forget the world even exists. I need this time to myself. I need to be alone. Luna… I wish there was something I could have done… Someway I could have helped more… I feel like I wasn’t able to do enough…

(Yay journal time again. 😀 An maybe nail cutting time. XD Getting harder to type. But pretty nails! :3 Bleh. Patch Maintenance is a great time to get this done. 😀 Though Dest’s part on the friday mission will probably not be as detailed as I like. I was sort of having an off night. I just could not keep focused. Probably from having so little sleep the day before.)

The last mission was… Not really much of a success.

The gardens outside of Ul’dah were experiencing crops disappearing. So we went out to look into their problem. We fully expected our ‘friend’ in the magitek to come after us at some point.

We split up into two teams. I was with Oni, Felix, Chloe, and Rhisi. We followed the tracks towards the end of the line. We found a bunch of shrews pushing the missing crops towards crates. Shrews are not that intelligent of creatures. We knew someone had to be behind this. We followed what appeared to be an aether trail. Which led us towards where the other half of the group was.

Chloe wondered if the tunnels or caves beneath us might be where that trail really led instead. But we never got a chance to find out. That damn Magitek rider was attacking a nearby camp. We hurried to respond, putting out the fires and pulling survivors out to safety where we could tend to their wounds. Once things were better under control a few of our team went to try an find that Magitek but it and the crops were gone without a trace.

I was busy with things of my own the next day. I had my own house to worry about an some freelance work I had been putting off. So I did not see anyone from the Order that day. An there was nothing particularly of note worth mentioning that day either. Just being healer for a few groups of freelancers on odd jobs.

I stopped by the Order house yesterday after running some errands. I felt like I was being watched as I paused near the fence. Well I was being watched. By Oni. An he was in one of those moods again. The kind of mood that sends a shiver down my spine. Well it did not help when he spoke that I may have shrieked just a bit an definitely jumped. I was not expecting him to be perched high upon the stone fence above my line of sight.

He said I had not been training. I told him I had been busy an had had no time to speak with Aimee let alone do some kind of training. He started calling my aether small an compared it to unripe fruit. An talked of going to nibble on Quarcy’s aether. Now… I was not making it sound like I wanted to be Oni’s snack… But I found his words insulting.

Felix came by during our conversation. I was so focused upon Oni that he startled me. Yes… I jumped again… He did not stay too long though before he decided to head inside an get something to drink.

Oni asked me if I knew what my aether looked like. I of course answered. Shades of blue. Soft shades. Like the color of ice or the sky. An then he mentioned I should be able to show him something if my aether was not small. I’ve never attempted to do anything with aether other then healing before. As it is I have only been a healer for about two years. So I am still doing the best I can. I was determined to prove myself to Oni. I’m not sure why. It just bothered me so much that I felt inferior. Like I was not good enough. He never said those words but… I still felt like he might as well have said them.

I managed to form a small blue ball of aether in the palms of my hands. I was happy. I was not sure if I could do it. My Uncle had never mentioned using aether in this fashion. Of course then I had a rather wicked idea in my head. I may not have had a book to chuck at Oni’s head but now I had this ball of aether. He had been so darn annoying that I threw that ball at him instead. I hoped it would hold together an not break apart before hitting him. If he wanted me to train… I would make him target practice. Unfortunately he caught the ball. Fortunately it had held together surprisingly well. I’m pretty sure when he disappeared from sight it was to eat that ball of aether… Next time I will make it a sneak attack.

I managed to find him sitting up on the awning near the door. Of course I seem to be very jumpy lately cause he did spook me again. We were talking an Aimee arrived back to the house. It was around there that our talk began heading towards soul stones. Well first Oni asked if he could eat Daisy… I was not letting him attempt eating my fairy… I have no idea if that would affect the way I summon her or if doing so would end her existence. Something I would simply rather not take a chance upon. That was when we started discussing the subjects and soul stones. It was… Interesting to hear about once I learned they only eat the aether of the stones an not the stones themselves. So anything placed within is still safe. It just needs… A sort of jump start with fresh aether.

Eventually Oni decided he was hungry an wanted to go hunt. I had things to work on anyways. So I went into the house an to my room. I worked on my studies for a bit before I laid down on the couch with a recent novel I had picked up. I managed to fall asleep reading an totally miss the beach gathering.

The dream I had last night… Was both pleasant and a nightmare. Thankfully it was not the usual nightmare that sometimes likes to haunt my dreams. I think that talk with Oni plus falling asleep reading that novel had been a bad pairing. I dreamed of Leon…

I dreamed of soul stones and Leon. Of subjects with sharp teeth like Leera. Glowing eyes and evil smiles. Monsters made of aether. An Leon’s warming embrace as he drove away the darkness. I finally awoke an dove for the stones where I had left them on the table. I clasped that green stone to my chest as tears silently fell down my cheeks.

What if some part of Leon was still with the stone he left me as he died? What would happen if his stone ever fall into Garlean hands like those used in the experiments? Would he be like the Others who were devoured by the subjects? Or could he end up like Oni and Raiden? It was so hard to imagine… So hard to think that there was a chance this was what Leon had meant by death was not the end… Hard to picture losing any last shred of Leon if this stone were to end up like the ones Oni had described… Assuming there was even any part of him in this stone.

I’ve barely ever made use of the stone he left behind with me. I still occasionally privately use his old harp for my own comfort. I had never considered there may be more to these stones then a bunch of old memories. I sought help from those cards I had been trying to get used to. However they were unhelpful. The answers were confusing an unclear. Just like my thoughts. Maybe my own confusion was not helping any. I eventually gave up an went to bed again once I was able to calm down enough.

Today is another day. Hopefully some work will help to clear my head an heart.

(Journal time again. Since I’m procrastinating on getting to the bank. XD >.>; Only cause the money is already spent even if it’s not Tuesday yet. Stupid car… Well an cause I’m sort of dragging today. This is my fault for going to work yesterday on 3 an half hours of sleep. XD)

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. Well not in a bad way thankfully. Definitely anything but bad. Just busy. Busy is always good.

Sarabi and I met at the bar upstairs in the house where I had my books an notes spread out. We discussed what we were able to find out as well as some theories we tossed around. Something makes up believe that this is all connected somehow. That our friend in that magitek is somehow related to everything.

We were nearing the end of our conversation when Aimee came into the house. Leera was with her… I… I tried hard to keep myself indifferent to the fact he was present. He blames me for the less then warm reception he has around the house now. I had every right to warn those involved after that night. It is my fault yes but I do not feel guilty over it. I have no reason to.

Though… In a way… I owe Leera. That night in the shroud… The things that occurred after… It was like the first stepping stone that showed me I need to change the way I see some things. Find a way to fix things. In a way… I still feel like I want back that easy conversation between us again. It was so hard to sit there an not want to talk to him. I know it may not be wise… An it was most definitely not something I would do with Aimee present. I think her presence kept me from doing so.

Leera though bolted as Oni arrived home. I kept my distance after the night before. I was not so much afraid as I was cautious since Oni claimed the other night he would not hurt me. I had no idea what sort of state Oni was in now though. Anger was definitely clear as I walked downstairs to see him near the doors. Leera had done a good job annoying him by being here at the house. Aimee and Oni talked mostly. I said a few things here an there but I mostly observed. From the safety of the railing on the first landing heading upstairs. I may have at one point called it creepy, seeing the boys’ aetheric energies like I was when Oni had first arrived. Aimee helpfully suggested a better choice of word. Yes it is different.

Aras was about the house apparently. I had not even realized she was there for bit. Hiding back near the bookshelves reading a book. I finally came down the stairs the rest of the way an had a pleasant conversation with the girl. Thankfully no mention of the Flatts was made. We talked a bit about something an it eventually lead into talk of research.

The next day I was able to catch Rhisi before our mission. I mentioned what Sarabi an I had found out to her. As well as I gave her our theories on our ‘friend’ who attacks us. I even told her I had done a simple reading with the cards on our mission for this evening. The gist of it was ‘hope in a crucial time’. I hoped so. I was not looking forward to another night rife with danger when the mission seemed like something so simple.

It looked like it was to just be the four of us. Rhisi, Aimee, Raiden, and myself. We decided it might be best to walk an avoid the Coffer an Atheryte entirely. A precaution in trying to avoid another attack. We encountered Aras along the way an she joined us. We got to the site, the Spriggans still agitated but not nearly as badly as the last time. Less rocks thrown. Still rocks but definitely not nearly as many. We encountered an elezen man, a scholar of sorts down near the ruins. We sought his opinion on the fountain we had found since he was studying down here anyways.

I followed him, his name Quarcy, over towards the waterfall to check out the source of the noise after he had done something to the fountain. I was interested in him. No not in -that- sort of way. More in a intellectual standpoint. He’s not really my type. He’s cute in his own way but not really… Hmm. Just not really my type. Though I would gladly be his friend. It is not often I find someone I can stand with an talk with so easily about something of a more intellectual nature. Especially when it comes to men. I find intelligent ladies more often to talk to then men. Anyways I’m rambling off topic.

We discussed some of what we both knew about the ruins an the Spriggans as we looked around. We found the source of what was blocking the pipes to that fountain. We took our findings back over to Rhisi. It had been deliberately done by someone. The others had returned from checking out the end of the stream, finding there is some sort of cavern below. Possibly the hiding place of our attacker. After all one needs somewhere to hide that Magitek of theirs.

We returned to the house. Rhisi invited Quarcy and Aras to join us as a way of thanking them for their help. I got some orange juice for Quarcy as we talked. Aimee and Raiden were talking nearby. I am unsure of where Aras has gone. Eventually Aimee an Raiden joined us in the kitchen where Aimee offered to make tea using leaves Quarcy offered. As Aimee made tea and Raiden went to remove his armor, Quarcy and I went upstairs to sit on the couch. Raiden eventually came upstairs to join us.

Raiden and I… Gods save me… He was tormenting me in front of Quarcy. Even threatened to lick me if I kept sticking my tongue out at him. Eventually however I had to call it a night when Raiden mentioned he was. I had finally looked at the clock. Ugh. It was so late. I had not realized it. I hoped out behavior had not scared Quarcy off of coming back again. I would like to talk to him some more.

Last night was a simple night at the house. Well… Sort of. I was near the market board when Oni came over the linkpearl. Something about someone wanting a fight with him. I made my way over to the house to see what was going on. Apparently some lalafell man was trying to get Oni to spar with him. I stayed back out of sight for the moment to listen to the conversation going on between Oni, Aimee, an Meis. Rhisi however arrived at the house while I was standing there out of easy sight. I guess my listening from the back was over. Though hearing that Meis fellow flirting with Aimee I nearly laughed out loud. Oh boy… So he is that kind of fellow.

I went inside after Rhisi to escape the discussion in the yard. I sat down at the bar upstairs an talked with Rhisi for a few moments before Meis came up an sat down on the seat beside me. An then decidedly chose to be somewhat flirty with me even… Ugh… He was so damn forward. More people began to join us after a time. Including Quarcy and Aras. I was very glad to see Quarcy had returned despite the way topics of conversation went the night before because of Raiden an I.

I… Quickly thought of a lie when Meis commented the flower in my hair. I had hoped a mention of my husband giving it to me would cease his interest in me. I was most definitely not interested in him. With Raiden I expect him to tease an flirt but it is mostly harmless. Besides Raiden… Raiden is Raiden. Handsome and annoying in equal measure. Meis… I just did not like him. His behavior rubbed me the wrong way. Especially with how ready to fight he was with any man who seemed to him like a good opponent. Though I nearly laughed when he asked if Quarcy was my husband. Poor Quarcy.

I talked with Quarcy for a bit as we drank. I was trying a new wine Rhisi had gotten by suggestion. It was pretty good. Eventually I began to get lost in thoughts of last week… I lost the thread of conversation. Quarcy had begun talking with Rhisi an guest beside him anyways. So I did not feel so bad for spacing out in my own thoughts.

Dusk called over the linkpearl about needing medical attention outside for her friend. I volunteered to go take care of it. Partly to be helpful an partly because I needed the fresh air. Thankfully the injury was only a bad burn to Pas’ palm. I was able to tend to it. As well as have a chance to introduce myself to her. I had been distracted with other conversation at the beginning of the week when she was at dinner. I suggested they be more careful with spells for a bit, not repeating the same spell until she had a chance to see if feeling would return to her hand. I hope so… Otherwise… I do not like the thought that I have made a mistake somehow. I returned outside an left them to their work.

I have no idea what was being discussed now since I had been away. Apparently Oni was going to give Meis his fight though. Aimee and Illust went with the two of them down to the training room for it. I asked Rhisi for some tea. I had had enough wine for one night. All it did was bring back memories I do not want to think about right now. Feelings of sorrow as I have still not seen Felix to apologize. Eventually Rhisi brought me from my thoughts as she asked me to show Quarcy to a guest quarter.

I had shown him there an mentioned if he needed anything my room was down the hall. I was… surprised when he asked to see my room. I had nothing against showing him my room  of course. He does not seem like the type who would do anything bad. He was quite thrilled at the amount of books in my room. Though I think meeting Lady took him by surprise. I had mentioned to him I had a dragonet earlier. Thankfully she did nothing more then laze about on his head for a bit.

I think maybe I should not have had the wine at all. We got to talking about things… I… Mentioned some of my hurts. My father’s death an my incident with Castrum Occidens. I am not sure why but I felt so comfortable in his presence. He was very kind an caring as he listened to me. I was even surprised as he gave me a brief hug. He in turn told me a little about his childhood. I did not push him for more then he was willing to give. I was almost disappointed when our time together ended for the night. Now that I think of it… He is the first person who has been in my room other then Oni an Raiden. But I can not say those two count. After all those encounters were nothing like this with Quarcy. Quarcy is…. very sweet. I look forward to working with him an spending time getting to know him better. Sharing our love of books an other intellectual prusuits.

(Time for yet another journal entry. An of course when I get to the part dealing with Oni last night… XD Damn straight I am going to be listening to Heathens since it is all @onidephor fault that it has been stuck in my head for over a week now.)

I was hoping to see Felix at our most recent beach gathering in the Mist. Sadly he was not there. Maybe it was for the best since it is meant to be a night to relax.

Of course I had cut my hair that morning. In a sort of honor of my attempting to change. I was worried that it might not suit me since I have never had my hair this short before. However Rhisi seemed to think it was cute.

I mentioned to Rhisi I had begun to mess around with the cards. Nothing too serious until I figure out how they work. I started with something a little personal an simple. I sought answers on if things would turn out alright between Felix an I. The cards seem to think things look hopeful. But I did not wish to tell Rhisi what I had asked them about. It seemed so silly a question but I wanted to start easy. I still do not know if these cards work an I do not wish to get anyone’s hopes up so early. I will continue to mess around with them for the time being until I can give a definite answer on them.

I walked away as more guests arrived. I was still not totally feeling up to interacting with strangers after the night before. I still had a lot on my mind an wanted to just try to relax. Eventually Dusk came over to join me at the water’s edge.

I must admit… I was a bit leery of Dusk before this gathering. But our conversation was actually quite nice. I feel like maybe if I get to know her better I will not find things as creepy as I have before. We talked of family, both those of blood and those of the Order. As well as few other smaller topics.

Eventually we talked of the Black Valley. Not exactly a topic I am comfortable with but I am trying to look at it from a more… impartial view? I am not sure. I know how it feels to desire something for a lost family member. She lost her mother there. I lost my father to Carteneau. So maybe we have at least a slight common ground. I told her I would check with the Wood Wailers and Gods’ Quiver to see if anything turned up. She said disappearances an unusual occurrences tended to happen around areas it appeared. She had been thinking of asking the Adders but I think the Wailers and Quiver might be better sources. They are the ones that actually patrol the Shroud. So I promised to look into any information I could find to help her out.

I sat there by myself for a while after Dusk left. I could catch bits an pieces of Aimee and Oni talking nearby. However their voices were too low most of the time to catch much. An I was not trying to eavesdrop either. After a bit Chloe and Neiven joined me where I was sitting. I completely forgot about Aimee and Oni after that.

I had a relaxing if not confusing conversation with Neiven and Chloe. It was not of any one thing in particular either. A bunch of small things really. Ending with some innocent fun. Well an one tickle attack against Chloe after she poked my ear. As our fun wound down I told Chloe I would like to hear more of her home sometime. Of course not right then. It was getting late. I bid her goodnight an went back to the house.

I spent the morning yesterday working some more on my research. I left my room after a time to get a chance to stretch my legs and work out any stiffness that I gained from sitting there so long in a morning. Of course I resumed again after I felt like I had had a good work out. Well after a nice relaxing bath.

I was ready to pause in my research again around dinner time. I had heard Rhisi over the linkpearl announcing dinner was soon so I changed clothes an went to see if I could give her a hand. I set the table as she worked on finishing the cooking. Dusk an Chloe were the first two to arrive while I was setting things down.

We had quite a few guests last evening. There was so much conversation going on that I spent most of the time sitting there just listening to pieces of each. Well until Zhilan sat down beside me. I heard her mention to Konner that she was working on research. So I waited until she was no longer engage with anyone to speak with her. I remembered seeing her at the house a few days ago but I had been so busy chasing Felix for my notebook.

Zhilan and I talked about research for a good while. Both hers and my own. She suggested to me looking into Hydromancy. I think that is what she called it. Something about using water to look into an object’s past. If I could find out enough reliable information this could be useful for things like this research into the Sil’dih ruins from our mission. I offered her my aid in her own research if she needed it before bidding her a good night.

I returned to my own room for a bit as Aimee and Oni arrived at the house. I changed into something more relaxing an went back to my research. Eventually I got up to stretch my legs and to return a book I had borrowed from the shelves from in the house. I literally about ran smack dab into Oni outside of the doors. There were apparently still guests in the house as well. Well two of them seemed engrossed talking to each other while Aras was talking with Oni.

Oni was apparently hungry despite eating dinner such a short while ago. He asked me for crystals or ether. I gave him a vial of ether I tend to carry with me in case of emergencies. He never did give me that vial back… I have no idea if he ate it or is just keeping it. Then I watched him eat a pack of field rations preserved with magic that Aras offered him. Some times I really wonder about Oni’s diet. Maybe I should ask Aimee about it sometime. He also kept mentioning wanting a lick. The last time he licked me I had blue in my hair for a while…

Eventually he disappeared off into my room after Aras left. Something about going to eat the food I had there. He seemed… Insatiable. I chased after him to try an make sure he did not make a mess of all my hard work. I warned him if he made a mess of my research I was going to push him off a dock somewhere.

Then things got creepy. Seeing Oni in this state was already strange enough but after the first time I was not nearly as surprised. What really surprised me was seeing those wisps of aether after the first one brushed against my ankle. Coming from him. It… was almost like watching Leera. But with Leera his was clear to me. Oni’s was not nearly as clear to see but I could still make it out enough to be quite freaked out. I… was torn between holding my ground and making a run for it. I still remembered Raiden’s words of if anyone would eat me it would be Oni or him. So I was just a bit worried. The archer in me knew it was unwise to make any sudden moves. The healer in me was totally ready to bolt.

I had closed my eyes an held up my hands as he got closer. He was gentle as he moved my hands out of the way so he could get closer. I swear he was smelling me. He kept going on about a lick. How I smelled good. How pretty my aether was. An that he wanted me to train with Aimee to make it bigger and prettier. I could swear I felt like it would storm lightening in my room with the way the air felt an smelled.

I nearly sagged to the floor in relief when Oni finally left without even doing anything to me. I thought for sure he was going to at least lick me. Though I think I might be just a bit worried for Aimee since he did mention biting her maybe. But she is also used to dealing with him when he gets like this probably. I think I definitely need to have another talk with Aimee sometime… I think this is something I need to talk to her about. Well… Among other things of course.

I better get back to my research. Sarabi an I are supposed to get together later an discuss what we found.

(Argh! *shakes Dest* Stop! Stop being this way! My muse is being… Insufferable. Oh the feels. An none of them good this week. But on the plus side I’ve had an easy time writing stuff for her. An she is getting development. *stares* Go. Write your journal little muse. An get this out of your system already!)

I finally was able to work up the courage to speak with Aimee. Thankfully she does not dislike me as I had feared. She was merely being protective of those she cares about. I can not say I blame her. I would do the same.

We talked for a bit about the experiments. I think I am slowly beginning to understand a little better. An she agrees with Raiden that Leera is just an ass. However learning the things I did while talking to her was… Very interesting in the very least. I’m hoping that in a way this information will keep me from making the same mistakes or making ones that are… fatally dangerous. If I am going to continue to have interactions with the ones I already know there is a possibility of meeting others if they should happen to come looking for Oni as Leera has. I need to keep this in mind. It does not mean I should not interact with them… Just that I should tread carefully.

I decided I need to reexamine the way I look at things. Decide on a better way to deal with what happened then to try an damn an entire people for the actions of a few. But it will not be something easy to do. Eight years is a long time to hold onto the pain an hate. But I have to try.

Eventually our talk ended as Dusk and Raiden arrived at the house. We ended up taking Dusk into the storage room to examine the coffin we had found the other day. We helped her with setting up a better wards in place against whatever might be inside of it until we can further investigate it. I… had to go into Dusk’s room to fetch items for her. I had hoped not to have to set foot in there… However she said I was perfectly safe as long as I did not touch anything besides what she sent me to get. Yes because that totally makes me feel so much safer… But we setup the wards an then left things at that for the time being.

We had a mission last night out in Central Thanalan. We stopped by the Coffer to get the details before setting to work. I… found something pulling for my attention while we were there. A deck of cards long forgotten in the darkest corner of the room. I am unsure if they were really calling out to me or if I just lucked upon them. This week has been stressful. It could have been my brain playing tricks on me.

I hurried to catch up with the others. We went down towards some old Sil’dih ruins which Spriggans have turned into their territory. We were pelted with rocks upon arrival. I panicked an threw up an aether shield as I ran for the cover of a rock.

Rhisi pulled Sarabi, Felix, and I aside to check out the other side of the area. The Spriggans near the small waterfall were doing something odd. We were not quite sure what it was they were trying to do with the water but they were ignoring us. Well expect Felix when he got too close but he was wearing heavy armor so it did not really phase him to be hit with rocks. We decided to try an get closer to the ruins an see if maybe something there might better explain what was going on.

However our examination of the ruins was cut short. The reaper magitek that had attacked the Order members the last time they were out here on a mission while I was away, was attacking again. We hurried to rejoin the others an hoped no one was hurt before we could aid them. Felix tried to get up the cliff to flank him but the reaper vanished before he could attack. Thankfully no one was hurt but we were ordered back to the house.

Rhisi asked Sarabi and I to do some research into the Sil’dih an those ruins. Looks like I have some work ahead of me. She wants us to have that information for her before the next mission. Should not be much of a problem. I surely can find out what I need as well as do my own personal research on the cards I found.

I spent a little bit of time speaking with Chloe upstairs at the bar. An we got to talking. She had asked about how I was doing. I told her. I told her about the other night with Raiden and Aimee though I had not gone into many details. Mostly how I had upset Raiden and gotten scolded by Aimee. How the next day I talked with Aimee an she reminded me just because someone is born a certain way does not make them a bad person. Birth has nothing to do with it. But letting go of a grudge held for so long is no easy task. An Chloe told me she is Garlean as well an if I wanted to know anything about her home all I have to do is ask. I should take her up on the offer. Get to understand the situation better,

I went to the Athenaeum Astrologicum this morning. I figured it was as good a place as any to start my research into these cards I had found. They did not tell me much but they did allow me to take a set of Ishgardian Astrology cards. At least it would give me something to compare them to anyways. An a start in the right direction if I go by the attitude the one student there gave me when I showed him the cards.

Once I was done running about I returned to the house with the books an research items I had gathered on both these cards and the Sil’dih. I decided to go out for a bit after some time working on both of these to an extent. I needed to stretch my legs an get some fresh air. I do enjoy research but I also enjoy being outdoors from time to time.

Rhisi was outside near the pond feeding the fish in it when I returned to the house. She asked me what I had found last night. I offered to show her inside the house where I was sure I would not accidentally lose any of the cards in the water…

Felix happened to show up as we got upstairs for me to explain. I had left my notebook at the bar anyways. I put out both sets of cards on the counter to start my explanation to Rhisi. Of course Felix had to butt in while I was explaining. Teasing me for taking a deck of cards from the Coffer… I wanted to chuck something at his head. Eventually Dusk arrived as I was explaining. She seemed to know a little about the cards as well. Well not that I had found them. But that they are a type of scrying card. So I was indeed on the right track thinking of comparing them to a deck of astrology cards. Of course Felix made more jabs about the cards as we talked.

Rhisi an Dusk both seem to think I should give these cards a chance. So I may just see if anything comes from it. If not then no harm done of course. But maybe there is a reason I found them.

Guests started to arrive. We had two ladies join us as well as Konner. An eventually as I was talking, Chee arrived. I was glad to see her. It has been some time since I last spent any real time with Chee. An Felix just had to keep pushing… So I stood up an chucked my notebook at his head… Which all he did was catch it. I tried to hurry an get it back before he could see the doodles of himself and Leera that I had added before I had left for my week off.

I ended up chasing him downstairs trying to get my notebook back from him. He had stopped as Aimee arrived. He apparently had been looking for her for a check up. Something I have never gotten myself nor have I done any even though eventually it should be part of my job. He finally gave me my notebook back but he had already seen the doodles… An then Aimee tried to suggest that I should do his exam… I thought I would die from the shock that she suggest that I do this. But Felix tried to insist that she do it. An when Aimee tried to talk him into letting me do it… He was going to leave… I thought I might die this time but not from shock… I am pretty sure he did not want me to do it because I would have proof that he is a Garlean… An I might have told him when we were drinking before about my hate for Garleans… Before I had found out all the things I had this week.

I waved him off with Aimee. Insisting he go ahead that I was going to go for a walk anyways. I did not want to take a walk though. I wanted to cry. I knew that this was my fault. I knew… He did not want to be around me because of the things I had said… I sat out near the pond an cried in silence undisturbed. I want to apologize… I want to ask for him to forgive me… But… How if I am not supposed to mention anything to him about Aimee telling me he is a Garlean…

Eventually I worked up the drive to return to the house. I was not feeling much better then when I had run out of the house though. I returned upstairs to my seat beside Chee. Rhisi brought me over a cup of tea an I tried to pretend everything was fine. But I am pretty sure both Rhisi an Chee could tell I was hurting pretty bad. I almost ended up crying again just at that. I asked Rhisi how to deal with apologizing to someone when you can not even really explain why you are apologizing since you are not supposed to mention what you know. Rhisi an Chee tried to comfort me an give me words of advice for dealing with my problem. I refrained from telling them I was upset over Felix.

Eventually Chee decided we need a girls night out as soon as possible. This might be a good idea… But Chee had to leave before we could talk much more on it. Rhisi had to step out as well for a moment. I sat there in silence for a bit thinking about what I am to do. How to apologize to Felix for my words those weeks ago while we were drinking… Eventually I got up to put away my notebook an the cards. I passed Rhisi on my way down an told her I would be back. When I returned she was gone again. Probably went out with Konner.

I sat in silence by myself as Neiven stood nearby talking to the one guest who was still present. When that guest left, Neiven came over an ruffled my hair again. She asked how I was an I told her I was having a rough week. She actually seemed at least concerned when I did not respond to her butt comments as I usually do. I told her how I had hurt some of my friends without meaning to. An how I had not had a chance yet to apologize to one of those friends. Neiven tried to make me feel better. I appreciate her effort. I decided to excuse myself an take a real walk this time.

When I returned again the house was empty. I think most had already gone off for the night. I returned here to my room where I sank to the floor an spent another bit crying. Once I could cry no more I got up an wandered for a bit, even venturing out into the Shroud. I came back with a few scraps an nicks from venturing deep into the sylph lands to try an burn off some of my emotions. I needed to find a way to ease the burden on my heart. However I still do not feel much better. Just sore an tired. I did not bother to use any healing magic on them. I washed them at the very least. A part of me wants to hurt right now… More then emotionally. But… I am not going to break. I just… need to find a way through this. I just need time… I need to find a way to make everything right. I want to continue to have that easy joking friendship with Felix without the fear of those words putting distance between us.

For now I am going to burn some of the incense I have left over from earlier in the week an sleep. I am not risking any dreams tonight. I fear they would not be good in any way…

(My laptop is being an absolute sloth right now. I am hoping it is not a bad sign. My car needs repairs. I really can not afford to replace my laptop at this time. Ugh. This might take longer then I want to write as I wait on the words to catch up. Stupid machine please cooperate. But anyways it is journal time again for Destiney.)

The other day went fine. Not a lot happened. Not very many people were around the house even.

Rhisi and Konner pulled me aside though to ask for my help with the accounting. Apparently the two of them are not the best with numbers. I may not be the best either but I will admit my work is thorough an at least better then theirs was. They tried their best though I can see that from the work they have done. As well as the fact that the Order has been running long before I came along an got asked to look at their work. So it was not really that horrible of a job. It was not a total mess. A few small mistakes here an there but nothing that was difficult to fix.

However upon taking inventory in the storage room… I found something peculiar. However there was nothing to do about it until I could find Rhisi an Konner again to mention it. So I put the thought aside yesterday morning as I did the counting. I just simply refused to touch the coffin I found.

Last night Rhisi called us together for a mission out in Southern Thanalan for the U Tribe. Our mission turned out to be a bust. We could not find what they asked us to hunt down. Something does not seem right about this. Rhisi is certain something seems wrong as well. An well… Raiden busted one of his arms while out there too so we called it a night an returned to the house.

I stood in thought mostly as the others talked. I did glance over once as Raiden replaced the busted arm with a temporary one until Chloe could repair his good one. Rhisi talked to Konner about how our mission did not go as planned. Rhisi eventually mentioned my name an the fact that I had finished the accounting work for Konner. That brought me back to the situation at hand,

I told them about the Coffin in the storage room…

Konner sent Raiden in to check into it. Aimee and I followed him. Since I had been the one to find it I figured it was best to point it out as well as make sure nothing bad happened since it was Raiden going to look. This could have gone badly. I think.

He was literally about to climb on top of the coffin when I might have made mention of finding the coffin creepier then watching Leera eat. That seemed to halt him in his tracks. I think he knew the Leera I meant. I said something about Leera. The gaze he gave me right as Rhisi walked into the room… I was not sure I wanted to know what sort of anger my words had invoked in Raiden.

As a group we decided that the coffin was better left untouched for now. An there was discussion of letting Dusk use it as part of an experiment dealing with demons an voidsent. So we locked the room up an agreed it would be better off letting the coffin remain shut for the time being until we had a more controlled way of possibly dealing with anything that might be inside of it. Hopefully there is nothing inside of it. It is still creepy none the less.

Rhisi had headed off before the rest of us. I managed to catch Raiden back in the main room of the house. I needed to ask him about Leera. I needed to know…

An I managed to set Raiden off. He was not very happy with my choice of words. Sometimes I really need to learn restraint on my words of choice. Or at least think more carefully on my choice of wording. I had not intended to make Raiden angry like I had. I let my own private pain color my words. Which had been about the worst choice I could have made.

I like Raiden, Oni, and Frost. I have absolutely nothing against them or the fact that they are different then everyone else. I know it was not their choice what happened to them. Probably none of the experiments had a choice. It is not them I have the problem with. It is the people who forced this upon them. The people who gave me a reason to… Dislike all Garleans. Aimee scolded me for using the word hate.

Aimee went to bed an left me alone with Raiden. I wanted to cry but I refused to. I had shed enough tears over my choices in the past. Maybe Rhisi is right an I need to find a way to forgive myself. Easier said then done though… I could not bear to look at Raiden… I did not like the anger he had looked at me with when I had said the things I did. I was… afraid I had ruined everything. Afraid I might have messed things up again… I wanted to hate myself. I still want to hate myself for never seeming to do anything right when it comes to Aimee. I…had really wanted to be her friend when we had first met. She probably dislikes me by now. Should I even bother trying at this point?

However his anger seemed to fade away. Our conversation turned back to the others an Leera. He thinks Leera is an ass an was just being truthful, not thinking the words might hurt me. There is so much I do not understand about them. So much I want to know. Disposal Units. Eating to survive. I should probably make notes on things. I want to understand. I need to understand. I certainly do not want to become a meal for any of them should I do or say something wrong. But not becoming a meal is not the reason I want to understand either. Part of it is curiosity that drives this need because the scholar in me wants to learn an the other is my concern for them. As if they need my worry… I want to understand so I do not risk anything, most definitely not a friendship. I guess in a way I want to walk into this nightmare of a world they live in an try to understand things better. It did not help me any on deciding if I should keep my distance from Leera or not… If I should bother to even talk to him. Damn it all.

Raiden ugh… He thinks Leera looks at me like a toy to discard when he is done being amused. Great. But… Raiden says if anyone was to eat me… Twelve save me… It would be him or Oni. Oh damn it all the thoughts that went through my head at those words. I really hate the way I think sometimes. Good thing he likes me better as a friend then a meal. So I guess that means I am safe as long as I remain his friend. Let’s see if I can not manage to screw this up. An then he just had to mention biting… I think I could not have been a brighter shade of red… Well I had asked about it… Since Leera had shown me his teeth… Ugh! I walked myself right into that one… Sometimes I think Raiden much enjoys watching my reactions… I am so glad he chose then to head off to bed.

At least I did not have the usual nightmare last night. A strange dream but definitely not a nightmare. Damn it all Raiden I blame you! Ugh! I better get some work done since the day is wearing on.

(Ah it is so good to be back from vacation. Well… Sort of. XD My sunburned skinned thinks it is a wonderful thing. The reminder that my car needs repairs an I am one more day closer to returning to work again… Ugh. Anyways! Time for a new journal entry for Dest! :D)

Dekkarra and I are finally back from our week away. Our trip was pleasant an a nice time. Though I am also glad to be back to work again as well. Though I admit the week away was much needed. I feel much more refreshed now.

I was just able to make it in time for the end of week beach gathering with The Order.

It was a very pleasant evening at Bronze Lake. Nate showed up an we got to talking. I had basically forgotten everyone else was there as the two of us talked. There is just something about talking with Nate that is… calming. Though I will admit he is rather good looking but not the kind of distraction I tend to look for. I think with Nate this is friendship rather then distraction. I find him easy to talk to an be around. Hopefully he will come visit the house again sometime.

Today however… Has been quite the whirlwind…

I was in the south Shroud having been asked to check on the activities of the Redbelly in the area. No fighting needed. Just a simple trek through the woods an staying hidden from sight. Or at least so I thought.

I managed to stumble upon Leera. Eating… Or at least that is what he called what he was doing. He… took out Redbelly troops and water sprites as if it was mere child’s play. At first I was not sure who or what I was watching from my perch on top of that rock. Though in my surprise I ended up sliding down the rock… Into the water. Of course I had already been noticed by that time anyways. I was nervous I might end up as his next victim as I stood there dripping water. However he did not touch me. Not even once. After hearing him speak an seeing him up closer… I knew it was Leera. Though the mask still threw me off a bit. As did the way he was controlling the water.

At first our conversation was normal enough. I relaxed even though I now knew he was another of the experiments like Oni and Frost are. I could not condemn what he was now. Not unless I was willing to condemn Oni and Frost as well. They had never asked for what happened to them. I was not willing to completely throw away the friendship I thought I had with Leera. Not yet.

But as our conversation an my questions took us into more… Dangerous territory… I was beginning to hate where things were going. I should never have mentioned my incident near Castrum Occidens. Apparently it was the same location the experiments had happened as well. An as I got more heated with him… He turned my own words against me like weapons. As if rubbing salt in old wounds…

I know what I did was not right. I know those men probably had families or did not want to have to fight to live. I did not need Leera rubbing that fact in my face that I had killed innocent people in my darkest hours. I… was unsure if I hated him or myself more at that moment. All I knew was how much it hurt. I tried to turn that pain into a weapon against him. But… as I tried to leave…

Ugh! I am unsure if I should hate Leera or not. I am unsure what to feel about him. It is not like talking to Frost or Oni. Neither of them feel so… Unnerving. I wanted to rake my fingers across his face an yet… I almost did not want to give up the friendship that had been building between us before now. I had to leave. Before I could change my mind about not trusting him. He still works for those Garlean bastards. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I am so conflicted! I want to hate him… Yet… I can not help but remember the way he treated me before tonight.

I returned to the house once I forced myself to leave. However I had missed most of dinner. It was only Konner and Rhisi at the house as I arrived. There was still some food left though I was not quite hungry anymore. Not after my argument with Leera. I got some food anyways an made an effort to eat. If only to try an distract myself. I told Rhisi she was right about Leera. That she had a right to be cautious about him.

The first thing she had asked though was if he had hurt me. Of course he had never touched me physically. I was perfectly fine an whole. At least as far as physical wounds went. What was wrong with me was more… emotional. So I ended up finally admitting the things that plague my heart tonight.

I admitted the fight with Leera even if it had only been words. The way he had turned my words against me like a knife. As well as I admitted what those words were. That I had gone to Occidens three years ago seeking vengeance an my own death. An the nightmares that still at times plague me because of my stupid choices that day. The sneering faces… The blood on my hands…

Eventually Chloe was passing through an stopped to join us. Both Rhisi and Chloe tried to comfort me as I spoke about what happened. Rhisi believes I should be mad at Leera an not myself. An I probably should be after watching the way he ‘eats’. How could he talk to me like that after what I had watched him do. He would probably find some way to make it sound all justified of course.

Eventually as our conversation wore on I got to tell them both about my Uncle and Leon. Especially Leon.

Insufferable bastard! Still… I can not help but smile at the memory of Leon. As much as he drove me crazy… I still liked the stupid fool. Every damn inch of his swaggering annoying attitude. Somedays I wish his time had not come so soon. That he was still here to keep pushing me forward. But now I have others to help keep pushing me forward. Not that it means I do not miss Leon. I do. I do every damn day. But… I know he would not be pleased with me if I gave up now. Nor would my father. I am sure both of them still watch over me.

Rhisi gave me some incense to burn to help keep the nightmares at bay while I get some rest. I am sure the nightmares would have haunted me tonight if not for her aid. I felt better after sitting there talking with Chloe and Rhisi. I know it is only a start but at least it helps. For now I am going to go have a dreamless sleep. An try not to ruin all the hard work Dekkarra did by taking me a way for a week to relax.

(Okay so I did not know if I would have time for one last entry but I think I can manage now that all my packing is mostly done. Key word. Mostly done. My clothes an stuff are packed. It’s just my electronics for the car ride that are not ready. Though I did finally finishing uploading something like 14 books to my nook. So I think I am more then set on books for the trip. 😀 I’m not doing the driving so I need something to occupy myself with. An something in case we get any rainy days. Though I hope for nothing but sunny weather. Not that I wouldn’t mind some extra reading time since I mostly read while eating or at work on break. I may make one other entry then this last journal entry. Depends on how long it takes to write this and that one. An depends on when my bf decides he is done watching Family Guy… Ugh I can not stand that show.)

I found myself unable to stay away from the house for a few days like I knew I should. I guess partly because I was afraid that Leera would stop by an I would not be there.

Well I got to the house an guess who was already there? Leera. I was pleasantly surprised to find him there already. Even more surprised to learn he had actually come by to spend time with me. Though it ended up being short lived. He had disappeared upstairs as Aimee and Felix had arrived at the house. ((Actually he had to run afk. Oh well.)) Aimee did not remain long though. So I spent some time talking to Felix.

I told Felix how I had felt about the other night. Overhearing talk of Leera and myself from Rhisi, Oni, and Aimee. I told him I was unsure of how I should feel. An how I felt like there was something more then they were telling me. An that maybe I was just over reacting because of how restless I have been lately. He assured me there must be a good reason. That maybe I was just looking too deeply at the situation but he was sure everything would work itself out when I talked to Rhisi.

I left the house for a bit to get some work done. When I came back later that day I found Leera sitting outside talking with Aimee. A part of me was jealous. I will admit it. After all I envy the relationship Aimee shares with Oni. Dekkarra and I… I wish we could have something like that… Our lives just… Are so complicated. I cannot ask him to give up what he enjoys doing nor would he ask me do so either so that we could have more time with one another. I do not think I have a reason to be jealous of Aimee talking with Leera but I could not help myself at least a little bit.

Apparently Leera does not like Oni’s name. I had not really paid attention to the fact that it meant Demon in the Doman culture. I may take up some studies into the Doman culture here soon. One thing at a time.

Between Leera and my own bad choice of words… We upset Aimee and she left in a rather dark mood. I decided I would have to apologize later. Though Leera thinks I should not. He thinks I am entitled to feel the way I am just as she is as well. Which yes that is true but I still have to work with Aimee an would rather be on decent terms with her. Regardless of how intimidating she can be sometimes. We talked for a bit longer before he had to leave.

I finally managed to catch Rhisi alone at the house. I could finally ask her about a few nights ago. An I did. I was looking too deeply into the situation. My restlessness was making me jump at shadows. At least I hope that is all it is. I want to trust Rhisi because I like her. An she has never given me a reason to be mistrustful thus far. I will trust that for now it is just her wanting to be cautious. Maybe I will be able to see things more clearly again once I return from my trip.

Others arrived at the house. I tried to apologize to Aimee but I am not sure if she accepted it. It sounded more like she still does not like how I behaved earlier regardless of my apology. How am I ever supposed to talk to her? How does Rhisi expect me to deal with this? Eventually I began to doze in the chair by the fire. That was the last thing I had wished to do. Falling asleep in the house where others could see. Especially at this time of the year when the nightmares are at their worst. I woke up before they could find their way to my unconscious mind as I nearly slid out of the chair. I decided to excuse myself from whatever conversation was going on an headed upstairs for a glass of wine.

Only to fall off the stool as I managed to doze off again. I think the others downstairs thought I was drunk. Better to think I was drunk then the truth. How do you explain to someone that you are afraid to close your eyes? Even when it has been years since it had happened. I tried once more to stay awake an failed yet again. I awoke just as the nightmare began to take shape. In the process of being startled awake I got my feet tangled around the stool an landed with an even bigger thump then before. I might have banged my head off the floor in my frustration. So I headed back downstairs and excused myself to take a walk.

Before long I found myself back at the house again. I chose a spot on one of the benches near the water an just sat there staring off into space. I think I might have dozed off again at some point. I only vaguely recall Rhisi’s voice though I was too far gone to respond. It was when Tara joined me a little while after that I was more present. She took a seat beside me on the bench an we just sat there in silence. Until she began to hum.

Her humming was so very nice. It made me feel warm an safe. Almost like my mother’s presence but not quite. I managed to doze off again only to awake an nearly fall off the bench as I had fallen over to sleep upon it. I guess I was not so good at hiding what was wrong. She was able to figure out I was being bothered by night-terrors as she had called them. I guess for someone with as many siblings as she has, it was not a hard thing to guess. I am sure she has comforted probably at least one or more of her siblings from bad dreams. I only had a brother an I was always the big sister even though we are the same age. I was always the more responsible one.

Tara… She is the first person in the Order that I have actually told about the nightmares. Even though she has only been with us for such a short time. I told her how I still see those sneering faces of the Imperials… An the blood. Both mine an theirs… Ugh… Though… I must admit I felt somewhat better after talking to Tara. Between my father’s death at Imperial hands and my own near death… This time of year is always worst then most. The nightmares leave me alone most of the year otherwise. A vast improvement over the years since. I bid goodnight to Tara an took her advice to try some chamomile tea.

I think it was the first night I slept somewhat decent since the celebrations had begun. Was not the best night of sleep but it was definitely an improvement. Hopefully my time away with Dekkarra will be what I need. Just a week time with him who knows where. He still has not told me where we are going…

I was able to find time to attend one last beach gathering after I finished most of my packing for the trip. The gathering was already in swing by the time I arrived. Most were already off talking to others. An I was left standing there. Trying to decide who I should bother or if I should sit alone for a bit.

Konner though singled me out… There may have been mention of something along the lines of behavior. My mind is a little hazy on the topic. Something about my dalliances with men I want to say but I could be wrong. Maybe it was something about dragging men to my bed. Never done that one before. Well dragging a man to my bed. Besides Dekkarra knows what I do. I do not hide anything from him and I try my best to behave myself. Just because a former courtesan lives an works at my house does not mean I try to get into bed with every handsome man I meet. I have a bit more respect for Dekkarra then that.

Though I did not miss that exclamation of surprise from Kagato as I made mention of being a married woman. I guess Kagato has not been around any of the times I’ve mentioned being married. Then again I have not made a big deal out of it either. I’m married. It does not mean I am dead an can not flirt or look at other men. I love Dekkarra. He knows I love him an he loves me. We have an open relationship. In the end we are still the ones we want to go home to at night.

Well back onto topic. Konner had more reasons then my love life to talk to me about. He made mention of giving me more jobs to do for the Order besides being a healer. Something about being in charge of the accounting and research. I am decent at numbers an fairly good at managing my own funds so this should not be that much of a problem. Research though. Now that is something I am very good at. I told him to remind me when I got back from my trip in a week.

Eventually I was able to move over to where Tara stood. I wanted to thank her for the night before. As well as I wanted to ask if she would look after Nebula while I was gone on my trip. I did not wish to leave her alone at the stables at my house so it was a better choice to leave him at the Order’s house under Tara’s care.

Oni eventually came by to meet Tara since he had not met her yet since she had joined. I tried to resist temptation. But since I was feeling somewhat better then I had in days… I could not resist. I splashed Oni with water on purpose. Did not push him with time. Either way I will not be surprised if he finds a way to get even. I look forward to the challenge. Let us see what comes of it.

I did see Frost over talking with Aimee and Oni. I just did not want to interrupt their talk. Nor was I feeling enough like myself to bother him anyways. I will continue my attempts to try an be his friend eventually. First I need to recharge myself first. Once I am less restless. There will be other nights anyways. I know there will.

I did not get to talk with Rhisi before she left for the night though. I had wanted to let her know I was alright, Maybe I will write her a letter before I leave. I will think upon it. I bid Tara a good night. Well she literally pretty much shooed me away to finish my preparations for my trip. I do not plan to take my journal with me however. So I will write again when I return.