(I still have asks to answer. An other things I wanted to do. Updates to tags an blog layout. But… It’s been a rough week. So I apologize on the delay of answering the asks an such. Thanks for sending them though. Happy New Year? Anyways. I kind of fell asleep way too early an now I’m awake. So journal time for Dest while I can’t sleep. Personal mentions: @jonahsage @onidephor)
I didn’t want to believe. I wanted to scream. I wanted… I wanted to hurt. Myself maybe? The one responsible maybe? I’m not sure… My emotions are so very conflicted at the moment. I haven’t wanted to cause physical pain to someone in so long.
Granted my interactions with Felix and C’lest helped to ease the pain of my heart some. I only remember bits and pieces of Nate coming to speak with me because I was drunk. I had needed to drown the pain.
I still have trouble dealing with the idea that Oni does not trust me. That he actually growled an snarled at me. Did not seem to believe I was being honest when I admitted to when the last time I saw Leera was. I regret calling Oni a monster yet… At the same time I do not. Wanting to kill Leera… Suspecting me of reviving Leera when Terra had supposedly killed him… Would I have done it if I could? Yes. Did I? No… I did not even know…
Leera… Oh Twelve… I hadn’t even known… I felt like it was Leon all over again. Unable to do a damned thing to save someone. Failure… The only difference is I did not have to watch Leera die. I wish I could have been there… I’m not sure what difference I could have made… With the abilities Terra has…
I had run off to the Twelveswood to hide after the horrible news. I thought I was well hidden up in a tree. However C’lest had found me even after I insisted multiple times that I wanted to be alone. I caved an spoke with her for a bit. Let out some of the pain that was carving a bloody wound in my soul. But I don’t really know the girl either. So while it helped… It didn’t completely soothe my soul either.
I decided to avoid the Order’s house for now. It is better then taking the chance of running into Oni. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I think what hurt worse then Leera’s supposed death was not being trusted. Being suspected. I had been honest anytime I was asked about Leera. Gave up the potion Leera had given me before my namesday. Yet… To not be trusted by the head marshal… That is a wound worse then Leera’s supposed death. I refuse to see Oni until he apologizes to me. I didn’t deserve that treatment.
I asked Felix to come over to my house an share drinks with me. I needed to drown the pain. I know Felix and I never agreed over the whole Leera thing. Yet… Felix has always been someone to listen to me over drinks. I was glad for his presence. An his attempts to make me smile an laugh with his teases. It helped to further soothe the pain and lift my spirits. There may have been talk of me trying to learn to use a sword. Which lead into the teases from Felix.
Nate came by not long after Felix left. Yet I only remember parts of what we talked about. I remember asking him to take me to where Leera had been supposedly killed. I wanted to see. I know there is probably nothing for me there yet I want to go. I want to see. He made me promise though that if Leera showed up that I contact him. He doesn’t trust Leera alone with me. I changed the wording of the promise some but we did come to a compromise. I told him I would contact him if I knew he could be around. Otherwise I intended to protect myself if I was alone with Leera. Though honestly… I’m not sure how effective it would be. I’ve watched Leera feed. At most if Leera meant me harm… I could only defend myself an hope to escape.
I guess Nate carried me to bed or I managed to stumble there myself. I can’t remember how I got there. Anyways I should find some work. Keep myself busy. Keep my mind away from the hurt. Distractions. Yes I need distractions…
Spirit of the Warlock 