(Ah it is so good to be back from vacation. Well… Sort of. XD My sunburned skinned thinks it is a wonderful thing. The reminder that my car needs repairs an I am one more day closer to returning to work again… Ugh. Anyways! Time for a new journal entry for Dest! :D)

Dekkarra and I are finally back from our week away. Our trip was pleasant an a nice time. Though I am also glad to be back to work again as well. Though I admit the week away was much needed. I feel much more refreshed now.

I was just able to make it in time for the end of week beach gathering with The Order.

It was a very pleasant evening at Bronze Lake. Nate showed up an we got to talking. I had basically forgotten everyone else was there as the two of us talked. There is just something about talking with Nate that is… calming. Though I will admit he is rather good looking but not the kind of distraction I tend to look for. I think with Nate this is friendship rather then distraction. I find him easy to talk to an be around. Hopefully he will come visit the house again sometime.

Today however… Has been quite the whirlwind…

I was in the south Shroud having been asked to check on the activities of the Redbelly in the area. No fighting needed. Just a simple trek through the woods an staying hidden from sight. Or at least so I thought.

I managed to stumble upon Leera. Eating… Or at least that is what he called what he was doing. He… took out Redbelly troops and water sprites as if it was mere child’s play. At first I was not sure who or what I was watching from my perch on top of that rock. Though in my surprise I ended up sliding down the rock… Into the water. Of course I had already been noticed by that time anyways. I was nervous I might end up as his next victim as I stood there dripping water. However he did not touch me. Not even once. After hearing him speak an seeing him up closer… I knew it was Leera. Though the mask still threw me off a bit. As did the way he was controlling the water.

At first our conversation was normal enough. I relaxed even though I now knew he was another of the experiments like Oni and Frost are. I could not condemn what he was now. Not unless I was willing to condemn Oni and Frost as well. They had never asked for what happened to them. I was not willing to completely throw away the friendship I thought I had with Leera. Not yet.

But as our conversation an my questions took us into more… Dangerous territory… I was beginning to hate where things were going. I should never have mentioned my incident near Castrum Occidens. Apparently it was the same location the experiments had happened as well. An as I got more heated with him… He turned my own words against me like weapons. As if rubbing salt in old wounds…

I know what I did was not right. I know those men probably had families or did not want to have to fight to live. I did not need Leera rubbing that fact in my face that I had killed innocent people in my darkest hours. I… was unsure if I hated him or myself more at that moment. All I knew was how much it hurt. I tried to turn that pain into a weapon against him. But… as I tried to leave…

Ugh! I am unsure if I should hate Leera or not. I am unsure what to feel about him. It is not like talking to Frost or Oni. Neither of them feel so… Unnerving. I wanted to rake my fingers across his face an yet… I almost did not want to give up the friendship that had been building between us before now. I had to leave. Before I could change my mind about not trusting him. He still works for those Garlean bastards. Ugh! What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel? I am so conflicted! I want to hate him… Yet… I can not help but remember the way he treated me before tonight.

I returned to the house once I forced myself to leave. However I had missed most of dinner. It was only Konner and Rhisi at the house as I arrived. There was still some food left though I was not quite hungry anymore. Not after my argument with Leera. I got some food anyways an made an effort to eat. If only to try an distract myself. I told Rhisi she was right about Leera. That she had a right to be cautious about him.

The first thing she had asked though was if he had hurt me. Of course he had never touched me physically. I was perfectly fine an whole. At least as far as physical wounds went. What was wrong with me was more… emotional. So I ended up finally admitting the things that plague my heart tonight.

I admitted the fight with Leera even if it had only been words. The way he had turned my words against me like a knife. As well as I admitted what those words were. That I had gone to Occidens three years ago seeking vengeance an my own death. An the nightmares that still at times plague me because of my stupid choices that day. The sneering faces… The blood on my hands…

Eventually Chloe was passing through an stopped to join us. Both Rhisi and Chloe tried to comfort me as I spoke about what happened. Rhisi believes I should be mad at Leera an not myself. An I probably should be after watching the way he ‘eats’. How could he talk to me like that after what I had watched him do. He would probably find some way to make it sound all justified of course.

Eventually as our conversation wore on I got to tell them both about my Uncle and Leon. Especially Leon.

Insufferable bastard! Still… I can not help but smile at the memory of Leon. As much as he drove me crazy… I still liked the stupid fool. Every damn inch of his swaggering annoying attitude. Somedays I wish his time had not come so soon. That he was still here to keep pushing me forward. But now I have others to help keep pushing me forward. Not that it means I do not miss Leon. I do. I do every damn day. But… I know he would not be pleased with me if I gave up now. Nor would my father. I am sure both of them still watch over me.

Rhisi gave me some incense to burn to help keep the nightmares at bay while I get some rest. I am sure the nightmares would have haunted me tonight if not for her aid. I felt better after sitting there talking with Chloe and Rhisi. I know it is only a start but at least it helps. For now I am going to go have a dreamless sleep. An try not to ruin all the hard work Dekkarra did by taking me a way for a week to relax.

(Okay so I did not know if I would have time for one last entry but I think I can manage now that all my packing is mostly done. Key word. Mostly done. My clothes an stuff are packed. It’s just my electronics for the car ride that are not ready. Though I did finally finishing uploading something like 14 books to my nook. So I think I am more then set on books for the trip. 😀 I’m not doing the driving so I need something to occupy myself with. An something in case we get any rainy days. Though I hope for nothing but sunny weather. Not that I wouldn’t mind some extra reading time since I mostly read while eating or at work on break. I may make one other entry then this last journal entry. Depends on how long it takes to write this and that one. An depends on when my bf decides he is done watching Family Guy… Ugh I can not stand that show.)

I found myself unable to stay away from the house for a few days like I knew I should. I guess partly because I was afraid that Leera would stop by an I would not be there.

Well I got to the house an guess who was already there? Leera. I was pleasantly surprised to find him there already. Even more surprised to learn he had actually come by to spend time with me. Though it ended up being short lived. He had disappeared upstairs as Aimee and Felix had arrived at the house. ((Actually he had to run afk. Oh well.)) Aimee did not remain long though. So I spent some time talking to Felix.

I told Felix how I had felt about the other night. Overhearing talk of Leera and myself from Rhisi, Oni, and Aimee. I told him I was unsure of how I should feel. An how I felt like there was something more then they were telling me. An that maybe I was just over reacting because of how restless I have been lately. He assured me there must be a good reason. That maybe I was just looking too deeply at the situation but he was sure everything would work itself out when I talked to Rhisi.

I left the house for a bit to get some work done. When I came back later that day I found Leera sitting outside talking with Aimee. A part of me was jealous. I will admit it. After all I envy the relationship Aimee shares with Oni. Dekkarra and I… I wish we could have something like that… Our lives just… Are so complicated. I cannot ask him to give up what he enjoys doing nor would he ask me do so either so that we could have more time with one another. I do not think I have a reason to be jealous of Aimee talking with Leera but I could not help myself at least a little bit.

Apparently Leera does not like Oni’s name. I had not really paid attention to the fact that it meant Demon in the Doman culture. I may take up some studies into the Doman culture here soon. One thing at a time.

Between Leera and my own bad choice of words… We upset Aimee and she left in a rather dark mood. I decided I would have to apologize later. Though Leera thinks I should not. He thinks I am entitled to feel the way I am just as she is as well. Which yes that is true but I still have to work with Aimee an would rather be on decent terms with her. Regardless of how intimidating she can be sometimes. We talked for a bit longer before he had to leave.

I finally managed to catch Rhisi alone at the house. I could finally ask her about a few nights ago. An I did. I was looking too deeply into the situation. My restlessness was making me jump at shadows. At least I hope that is all it is. I want to trust Rhisi because I like her. An she has never given me a reason to be mistrustful thus far. I will trust that for now it is just her wanting to be cautious. Maybe I will be able to see things more clearly again once I return from my trip.

Others arrived at the house. I tried to apologize to Aimee but I am not sure if she accepted it. It sounded more like she still does not like how I behaved earlier regardless of my apology. How am I ever supposed to talk to her? How does Rhisi expect me to deal with this? Eventually I began to doze in the chair by the fire. That was the last thing I had wished to do. Falling asleep in the house where others could see. Especially at this time of the year when the nightmares are at their worst. I woke up before they could find their way to my unconscious mind as I nearly slid out of the chair. I decided to excuse myself from whatever conversation was going on an headed upstairs for a glass of wine.

Only to fall off the stool as I managed to doze off again. I think the others downstairs thought I was drunk. Better to think I was drunk then the truth. How do you explain to someone that you are afraid to close your eyes? Even when it has been years since it had happened. I tried once more to stay awake an failed yet again. I awoke just as the nightmare began to take shape. In the process of being startled awake I got my feet tangled around the stool an landed with an even bigger thump then before. I might have banged my head off the floor in my frustration. So I headed back downstairs and excused myself to take a walk.

Before long I found myself back at the house again. I chose a spot on one of the benches near the water an just sat there staring off into space. I think I might have dozed off again at some point. I only vaguely recall Rhisi’s voice though I was too far gone to respond. It was when Tara joined me a little while after that I was more present. She took a seat beside me on the bench an we just sat there in silence. Until she began to hum.

Her humming was so very nice. It made me feel warm an safe. Almost like my mother’s presence but not quite. I managed to doze off again only to awake an nearly fall off the bench as I had fallen over to sleep upon it. I guess I was not so good at hiding what was wrong. She was able to figure out I was being bothered by night-terrors as she had called them. I guess for someone with as many siblings as she has, it was not a hard thing to guess. I am sure she has comforted probably at least one or more of her siblings from bad dreams. I only had a brother an I was always the big sister even though we are the same age. I was always the more responsible one.

Tara… She is the first person in the Order that I have actually told about the nightmares. Even though she has only been with us for such a short time. I told her how I still see those sneering faces of the Imperials… An the blood. Both mine an theirs… Ugh… Though… I must admit I felt somewhat better after talking to Tara. Between my father’s death at Imperial hands and my own near death… This time of year is always worst then most. The nightmares leave me alone most of the year otherwise. A vast improvement over the years since. I bid goodnight to Tara an took her advice to try some chamomile tea.

I think it was the first night I slept somewhat decent since the celebrations had begun. Was not the best night of sleep but it was definitely an improvement. Hopefully my time away with Dekkarra will be what I need. Just a week time with him who knows where. He still has not told me where we are going…

I was able to find time to attend one last beach gathering after I finished most of my packing for the trip. The gathering was already in swing by the time I arrived. Most were already off talking to others. An I was left standing there. Trying to decide who I should bother or if I should sit alone for a bit.

Konner though singled me out… There may have been mention of something along the lines of behavior. My mind is a little hazy on the topic. Something about my dalliances with men I want to say but I could be wrong. Maybe it was something about dragging men to my bed. Never done that one before. Well dragging a man to my bed. Besides Dekkarra knows what I do. I do not hide anything from him and I try my best to behave myself. Just because a former courtesan lives an works at my house does not mean I try to get into bed with every handsome man I meet. I have a bit more respect for Dekkarra then that.

Though I did not miss that exclamation of surprise from Kagato as I made mention of being a married woman. I guess Kagato has not been around any of the times I’ve mentioned being married. Then again I have not made a big deal out of it either. I’m married. It does not mean I am dead an can not flirt or look at other men. I love Dekkarra. He knows I love him an he loves me. We have an open relationship. In the end we are still the ones we want to go home to at night.

Well back onto topic. Konner had more reasons then my love life to talk to me about. He made mention of giving me more jobs to do for the Order besides being a healer. Something about being in charge of the accounting and research. I am decent at numbers an fairly good at managing my own funds so this should not be that much of a problem. Research though. Now that is something I am very good at. I told him to remind me when I got back from my trip in a week.

Eventually I was able to move over to where Tara stood. I wanted to thank her for the night before. As well as I wanted to ask if she would look after Nebula while I was gone on my trip. I did not wish to leave her alone at the stables at my house so it was a better choice to leave him at the Order’s house under Tara’s care.

Oni eventually came by to meet Tara since he had not met her yet since she had joined. I tried to resist temptation. But since I was feeling somewhat better then I had in days… I could not resist. I splashed Oni with water on purpose. Did not push him with time. Either way I will not be surprised if he finds a way to get even. I look forward to the challenge. Let us see what comes of it.

I did see Frost over talking with Aimee and Oni. I just did not want to interrupt their talk. Nor was I feeling enough like myself to bother him anyways. I will continue my attempts to try an be his friend eventually. First I need to recharge myself first. Once I am less restless. There will be other nights anyways. I know there will.

I did not get to talk with Rhisi before she left for the night though. I had wanted to let her know I was alright, Maybe I will write her a letter before I leave. I will think upon it. I bid Tara a good night. Well she literally pretty much shooed me away to finish my preparations for my trip. I do not plan to take my journal with me however. So I will write again when I return.

(May or may not be my last journal entry for Dest before vacation. I leave Tuesday for about a week. Return Sunday sometime but no idea when that day. Last night… o_o Omg… Dest wth are you getting yourself into? Geez girl… I’m have to lock you away maybe.

An ugh. XD I was listening to Angel by Theory of a Deadman. An the one set of lines just kept making me picture Destiney. “I’m in love with an angel who’s afraid of the light. Her halo is broken but there’s fight in her eyes

“ My poor Dest. Have I really started looking at you like a broken angel? XD Heh.)

I was feeling restless last night. I hurried through the house, unsure who was present at the time. Went to my room to fetch my gear and my bow. I was going to… I do not know… Maybe just take a walk… Maybe get into some trouble… This whole celebrating the calamity… Makes me very damn restless. As well as it keeps the nightmares closer. Maybe I should take Dekkarra up on that offer to take a week away from it all. I know he merely is trying to be helpful.

I left my room at what appears to be… An awkward moment. I was just able to catch Rhisi mentioning myself and Leera to Oni and Aimee. As well as Oni mentioning something about not seeing a duskwight guest on any of the security stuff. However I could not find out anything more. The three of them became hushed about the whole topic. It left me feeling disturbed. Why would they be speaking about Leera and myself? More over why would they talk about me yet not tell me what it was all about… I feel… A bit hurt. There is something they are not telling me. At least that is the way I feel by their behavior.

Nathaniel however had arrived before I could attempt to gain anything from the situation. His appearance only helped to give them reason to clam up even further on the topic. I thanked the twelve that I had been smart enough to have my half-mask on. It was easier to hide my feelings an try to be pleasant with Nate. I did not want to trouble a guest with whatever was going on between us in that room. I did finally take off my mask once I felt more in control of myself again.

Oni had apparently been cooking an made a good deal of food as well. Rhisi had gone outside. So even if I had wanted that ended whatever chance I had to ask her about Leera. I asked permission from Oni if the Nate and I could enjoy some the food they had made. It was around then that Aras had arrived. Another guest. The three of us sat down to eat. Maria and Chloe had eventually joined us. As well as Tara was at the house but she remained mostly silent an solitary. I chose to have pleasant conversation with Nate.

Somewhere along the line Oni and Aimee had left as well. Maria excused herself an did not return… Around the same time I wanted to run. Aras had mentioned Certeneau Flatts…  I dropped my spoon an tried to compose myself rather then fleeing at the name of that forsaken place. I think Nate could tell something had upset me though I had tried to play it off with the whole dropping of my spoon.

I tried my best to ignore the conversation between Aras and Chloe. I tried to focus on talking with Nate. He was very kind an considerate. I eventually did tell him I had lost someone on that day. An that this whole celebration leaves me very restless an less then cheerful. He was very understanding an did make an attempt to make me smile again. Eventually it was just the two of us left at the house. An the time escaped us as we talked. Eventually he had to part ways though he said he may stop back again sometime. I hope so. His presence was a comfort. I think the two of us could have a nice friendship.

I think I may avoid the house for a few days. I am unsure how I feel about those three speaking of my building friendship with Leera. Especially when it seems they are hiding something from me an merely trying to cover it with something as simple as claiming wanting to make sure the canons do not fire on a guest… Something is not right here. I intend to eventually find out. One way or another. But… I think I need a day or two to calm down before I do more harm then good about the whole thing. Maybe take that trip with Dekkarra.

(Yup another journal entry. Cause last night was worthy of one. 😀 An because I am plotting very evil things against my poor Dest. I already got Felix on the boat. I am sure I can talk Oni into this plan too. Maybe I can talk @winterdeepelegy into this plot too. 😛 I just don’t want to go into many details here. Cause this is going to be hilarious. XD At least Felix and I think so. I want to work out more details in private between a few people before I say anything concrete on the plot. ^_- I am so evil to my poor muse.)

I figured as it is each week that last night would be fairly routine. Some job Rhisi found for us to do. An it was something pretty routine even if it was an annoying job. Our job was to go slay an harvest some things off Morbols in the Shroud.

It was not really the job itself that made the night chaotic. Oh no. That started before we had even had a chance to leave the house. Everything seemed routine so far. Leera had happened to even show up. Which was a pleasant surprise.

It was Luna showing up that caught me completely off guard. In a… more… Hmm… Bigger form. She was not quite a succubus but she was. It was quite shocking. At first I had no clue who the woman was until the moment she pretty much clobbered me in a hug. I had to look at her an study her face for a moment. The way she talked even. An then it finally dawned on me that our little Luna had somehow gotten full sized.

I barely heard the mission details around all that was going on. I had to quickly dash off to my room to get changed before we were leaving. Apparently Leera and Luna would both be going along as well. Definitely would make for an interesting night.

So Rhisi asked me to teleport us all off to Bentbranch once we were all outside an ready to go. We made the journey on foot up towards the Haukke Manor area. I asked Leera to remain close since he is more of a crafter then a fighter. I figured being a healer it was safe to remain near my side.

When we neared the area where would be best to hunt Morbol we encountered a Voidal, Forneus. We decided it was best to send him back to the void he had come from rather then allowing him to plague the Shroud. We had not expected the fight he put up against us. I was glad I had decided to change into my tougher gear before we had left the house. I did manage to get hit with one of his attacks when he looked my way for trying to keep our front line fighters from falling. It left me winded and hurting. But it was not enough to take me out as Daisy helped with the healing as well. Somedays I believe my Uncle Ricard knew Daisy would be invaluable to me.

It was dangerous fighting compared to most of the work we have done lately. I had lost sight of Leera in all the commotion. I had been so worried about the well being of the Order members that he had almost completely slipped my mind in the chaos. I had hoped he had taken shelter away from the fighting. After seeing to the Order members I was finally able to look for him.

Thankfully I found him alive an well if not a little winded. Though he had changed clothes which had surprised me. I sent Daisy over to keep an eye on the Order members as they started hacking into Morbols while I checked on Leera. Both out of habit an concern for a friend. At least I hope he sees me at least as a friend by this point.

An then one of the morbol let loose a Bad Breath upon the team. Leera and I had been a bit too far back for the attack to actually reach us. Though we could clearly smell it from where we stood. Thankfully no one was really hurt though everyone would definitely need a good scrubbing an maybe burning their clothes… I felt bad for not paying nearly enough attention to what was going on but I had been making sure Leera was not injured. Curse my mind being distracted by a good looking man. Thankfully Daisy was there.

Once enough morbol parts were collected everyone headed out until just Leera and I remained. We agreed to meet back at the Order’s house after we had both had a chance to freshen up.

When I left my room I ran into Luna again. I had just enough time to duck an incoming dragonet as I had left my door open just enough. Lady went straight up to Luna an hovered before her. Almost as if Lady knew full well that this full sized Luna was the same Luna who caused mischief with her when in tiny form. I had time to chat with Luna for a bit before Leera finally showed up at the door.

Leera and I decided to head upstairs to grab drinks. Not the alcoholic kind of course. If he does not drink then I do not feel right drinking in front of him. Well… I do not wish to show him that side of myself either. Not yet when I feel like I do not know him well enough to be drunk around him. We chatted as we sat on the couch. I might have admitted to him I have a bit of a problem thing for elezen of the dark skinned variety. Though I am not sure he fully understood either. But he was at least not driven away by what I said. He was… Quite understanding. I can not even remember why I had decided to mention it. Maybe because I knew the teasing some of the Order members enjoy would eventually give him strange ideas about me. Not that I am not strange. My whole life has been one strange thing after another. I am like a magnet for the strange and weird. Though I did well to avoid mentioning some of the stranger things that occur around the Order members. Such as Oni an Raiden’s licking habits…

I am still not over that beach day! Raiden! Ugh… It is not nice to play with a woman’s emotions!

Leera and I chatted alone for a while until Luna brought up another house guest to talk with us. Sadly I was not able to talk with her long though Lady clearly approved of the girl by sitting upon her head. However as it seems to be lately… Time was gone before I knew it an I had to be heading to bed. Leera is a very wonderful distraction person.

(Journal time! 😀 Yay!)

Dinner this week was pleasant. Though nothing special really.

Unless you count the teasing. An me showing off my new hair an clothes. I got some nice compliments on my choices of coloring an how everything turned out. I must say at first I was a bit leery about my choices but it seems have turned out just fine. I am glad.

Felix of course was in a teasing mood. I suspect it was because of my behavior the day before when we went drinking. Especially when he made the teasing comment about not being able to walk home for being drunk. I might have kicked him under the table. An I thought about tossing part of a dumpling at him. Though I did resist that temptation.

We ended up with a guest at the house. However I called it an early night an did not get much of a chance to know the lady. I was rather tired an had a long day ahead of me the following day.

I went about my errands for the day. I had much I wanted to accomplish before evening in case anything were to come up with the Order. It has been something I have been doing quite often as of late. Making sure all my errands and plans are finished before evening. Including some of the things I have taken to studying. I have done fairly well to make sure any bruises or cuts are healed before showing up at the Order. I would not be a very good healer if I showed up looking like I have been in a fight.
But I do not wish to mention anything about the more physical parts of my studies.

Last night was one of our relaxed nights at the house. Of course I had forgotten I was wearing my half-mask. Dusk thought I was injured somehow. Thankfully no. I had been wearing it because of this damnable celebrations for the anniversary of the calamity. I will NOT celebrate such an occasion. I do not have the heart to celebrate the death of people. Yes Eorzea was saved. But I would rather honor those who sacrificed themselves for our lives then celebrate. Something a bit more tasteful then a celebration. I have taken to wearing my mask in honor of my father. It… is not his. But… it is my fault his mask was lost. It was already damaged that day I took it from the house yet I still wore it an got it destroyed. I have no one to blame but myself for that poor decision.

We had a few guests present. A young miqo’te lass. An a rather striking traveler. I picked Nathaniel Castor to talk to. Not that I have anything against miqo’te. She was just not very… Clean. Besides Nathaniel seemed to be more interesting to chat with. A fellow from Gridania an a traveler. As well as someone else who seems to have trouble talking with a group. A sort of kindred spirit in some ways.

Nathaniel and I talked for a good bit until I apparently had a guest come calling for me specifically. Kagato was teasing me called me a princess with a prince calling for my attention. I was slightly embarrassed since Nathaniel was stuck watching this display.

Leera had come to visit again! I was very pleasantly surprised and happy. I had not been able to find him in time to ask him to the beach gathering. Though maybe that was a good thing with the things that happened. I pointed out names of the members of the Order present for Leera. An we had a pleasant conversation. An of course again time slipped away as I spoke with him. Sadly we both had to part ways for we both had things to do the next morning. I did mention the beach gatherings to him that occur at the end of the week. So maybe I shall have some handsome company. Well handsome company that is not part of the Order.

Damn that Raiden. I am still so confused about I how I should feel about him. One minute he is like a charming prince. The next he… Does stuff that drives me insane such as licking my face… UGH! SNAKE! An sometimes I wonder why I have such problems. Why must Raiden be so damned good looking…