“I am the last line of defense. All that stands between those I care about and the cold embrace of death. I will not waver nor shall I falter. I will stand strong because they need me to. Because that is my duty as a healer.”
(This occurred Wednesday night mostly. With bits from last night. Was too tired/busy to get it written sooner. @ikara-esho and @jonahsage for mentions.)
It had been nearly a week since she had last gotten a full night’s sleep. Her mind was just so overburdened. Yet she kept pushing her body every night as hard as she could before exhausted sleep claimed her. Regardless of the worried looks Daisy would give her every night she entered the training room an called on her fairy companion.
Every night she fell asleep in that training room. Though only two of those nights did she wake up an find herself still asleep there. The house was safe. Or at least safer then her own home. An the training room provided an outlet for the pain and mental agony.
How she was still standing… Still functioning… It was hard to say exactly. She was only a shadow of her normal self. Yet she could still preform the duties expected of her.
Another night curled up asleep sitting against the far wall of the training room. Eyes too heavy to resist. Body too fatigued to continue practicing spells. She allowed another round of exhausted sleep claim her. Hoping for a dreamless rest.
The dreams were nightmares. However they had evolved. No longer did she see the sneering faces of Imperials moments before claiming her life. Now she saw the faces of the two from the Brume attack. The bodies of those she cared about laying unmoving on the cold hard ground as snow drifted from the sky. A bitter cold seeping into her bones as she hugged herself. Looking up she would find Nate approaching. No not Nate. It wore his face but that sneer was anything but Nate. In the distance was the cold face of an older Ishgardian man. Ordering her death. Behind her the long drop of the witchdrop. She would wake screaming and panicked after being pushed over that edge by the ghost that looked like her dear friend.
For a time she would sit there and cry. At least until she either fell back to sleep or got up an found something to keep her busy. Anything to keep her distracted from the nightmare. Yet there was something different about this night.
There was the soft sounds of another person in the room. The sounds of a man. A blade whistling through the air with speed. Destiney’s eyes drifted open half way. Her body felt heavier then normal. A blanket had been draped over her where she had fallen asleep. Weary eyes looked up through that half mask to see who was in the room with her.
She recognized him almost immediately despite his back being to her. Despite the fresh looking injuries that could only be a day or two old as he practiced shirtless. Sweat dampening his skin and hair as he moved fluidly with his sword. His movements precise and clearly practiced for years.
Her eyes widened slightly as she looked off to his left a bit. Surely she was hallucinating with as exhausted as she was. There stood another familiar form. One she had not seen for years. Not since his death. His eyes however were watching the moving form of her cousin as he practiced. Still clad in that flamboyant bard gear from the day he died. It was as if he knew eyes were upon him though. Pale green eyes found hers. A smirk tugging at the edges of his lips. Lips moving yet she couldn’t hear him. The smirk quickly changing to a frown. The vision of him slipping away from her like sand between her fingers.
Her eyes grew heavy again just as Lance stopped his motions with the sword. His face turned towards her. She could have sworn she heard him say her name as sleep claimed her again. Barely aware of her cousin coming over to pick her up off the floor, cradled in his arms like a child.
Lance’s hands reaching for her mask roused her for a few moments. She was in her bed of her room at the company house. She felt his hand brush over her head soothingly.
“Go back to sleep.” Lance spoke softly. Destiney reached up to grab his hand as she stared up at him with tired eyes.
“Stay with me? Just for a little?” Destiney pleaded softly. Her heart longed for Leon. The comfort his presence used to bring. Seeing him for just a few moments… Lance was not Leon. Yet he was still family. He had been there for her when she had needed someone to save her. Right now she needed her family. Both that of blood and those she had chosen to make her family.
“I’ll stay. Go to sleep.” Lance said as he sat down on the edge of the bed, still holding her hand. Destiney nodded an closed her eyes, knowing Lance was still there. Knowing she was safe. She allowed herself to drift off to sleep again. Thinking of Leon and his pale green eyes.
*~*
Lance had been gone when she had woken. She had gone about her day as she had been for this entire week. Keeping busy. Practicing. Eating at times. Barely stopping.
She had encountered Ikara when she had gone out of the training room to get something to eat. They had spoken for a bit and the younger mage had offered to give her a night of dreamless restful sleep. Others had come by as well. An then Nate came home… No not Nate. The monster that wore Nate like a second skin.
Destiney fled the room at a hurried walk. The mission the night before still left her hurting. Watching Nate behave the way he was. Watching him shamelessly behave like he was around Chloe. She knew Chloe was acting but it still hurt. She was jealous. Did not want to admit it though. It was hard to hold back. Hard to keep from ruining the careful planning to try an set Nate free of whatever was possessing him. She had had to leave the room.
She had never been more glad then that night for a dreamless sleep. To know Ikara said Leon was there with her. Watching over her. Her smile was tired but glad to know he was annoyed with her for the lack of sleep she had been getting. Typical Leon. He had never really coddled her. It was always gentle careful pushing.
She left that spell claim her tired mind and body easily. For the first time in nearly a week she slept peacefully. A slight smile still on her lips. The ghostly form of Leon sitting where Lance had been the night before. Watching over her like a guardian angel.
“Twelve hear me please… Give me strength…” The words were soft, barely above a whisper as she knelt on the cold stone before the steps leading towards the church. The pendant holding that half a shard of green stone clasped tightly in her hand as she prayed. Seeking the mental strength to endure.
Of all the places her feet could carry her in the Twelveswood… They had brought her to the church. She had never been overly religious. Of course she believed. Yet that never made her truly devout.
She fought back the urge to sob as she remained kneeling there. Nate had run off without a word to her. Only words to Rhisi over the linkpearl. So soon after he had promised her just the night before. Promised to let her know if he was going to do anything dangerous or rash. An it worried her sick. Especially with the way he had been messing with corrupted aether. She felt like she was losing him slowly. Like every day he messed more with that corrupted aether was driving a wedge between them. She didn’t know if her heart could stand it. To lose what she had with Nate… It would be like reopening the wounds of losing Leon and her father all over again.
“Please… Don’t take him from me… Not him too… Please… I’m begging you..”
There was a soft masculine growl from behind her. Not one that fell upon her ears. She never heard him. Could never see him. It had been that way since his death. In part… He preferred to keep it this way.
Sun-kissed skin and pale jade eyes. Draped in the attire of a bard with the hat slanted forward just a bit further then normal towards his face. The pale golden tattoo on his face barely standing out in the warm glow of the church and stars. Hair the color of straw peaking out from beneath the hat in spots. Still the same. Just as he had been when he had passed from this world to become trapped as a spirit. Leonceault Chassebel.
The tall duskwight took the few steps to close the gap between them. His brow furrowed as he heard the first sobs. He knelt down next to her an wrapped his arms around her shoulders from behind. He knew she wouldn’t truly feel his presence. Yet he wanted nothing more than to comfort her. Longed to try an ease her heart.
“Destiney… Everything will be okay…” Leon whispered softly. Though his words would fall on deaf ears. She did not have the ability to see the spirits of the dead, let alone hear them. Nate however did. He growled again softly. He was definitely going to let that boy have a piece of his mind the next time they met. “Just stay strong. An keep believing. I know you can.”
Destiney hiccuped softly as she moved to stand once more. Her cheeks glistened from the tears that had fallen down them. The half-mask on her face hiding any other signs of the pain in her heart right now. Leon remained where he knelt, looking up at her with mixed emotions.
“You have become so strong. Do not give up now.” His words were soft an meant towards her regardless of her inability to know they were said. He took his own chance to offer a prayer to Oschon as Destiney wiped her cheeks on the sleeves of her tunic.
Those pale eyes watched as she turned to leave the church grounds. A soft sigh escaped between his lips as he stood to follow after. Her invisible guardian.
Because I’m really proud of my FC room an my house I figure I’m take pictures while my brain is still mush again today. So here’s my FC room. Dest’s home away from home.
(I still have asks to answer. An other things I wanted to do. Updates to tags an blog layout. But… It’s been a rough week. So I apologize on the delay of answering the asks an such. Thanks for sending them though. Happy New Year? Anyways. I kind of fell asleep way too early an now I’m awake. So journal time for Dest while I can’t sleep. Personal mentions: @jonahsage @onidephor)
I didn’t want to believe. I wanted to scream. I wanted… I wanted to hurt. Myself maybe? The one responsible maybe? I’m not sure… My emotions are so very conflicted at the moment. I haven’t wanted to cause physical pain to someone in so long.
Granted my interactions with Felix and C’lest helped to ease the pain of my heart some. I only remember bits and pieces of Nate coming to speak with me because I was drunk. I had needed to drown the pain.
I still have trouble dealing with the idea that Oni does not trust me. That he actually growled an snarled at me. Did not seem to believe I was being honest when I admitted to when the last time I saw Leera was. I regret calling Oni a monster yet… At the same time I do not. Wanting to kill Leera… Suspecting me of reviving Leera when Terra had supposedly killed him… Would I have done it if I could? Yes. Did I? No… I did not even know…
Leera… Oh Twelve… I hadn’t even known… I felt like it was Leon all over again. Unable to do a damned thing to save someone. Failure… The only difference is I did not have to watch Leera die. I wish I could have been there… I’m not sure what difference I could have made… With the abilities Terra has…
I had run off to the Twelveswood to hide after the horrible news. I thought I was well hidden up in a tree. However C’lest had found me even after I insisted multiple times that I wanted to be alone. I caved an spoke with her for a bit. Let out some of the pain that was carving a bloody wound in my soul. But I don’t really know the girl either. So while it helped… It didn’t completely soothe my soul either.
I decided to avoid the Order’s house for now. It is better then taking the chance of running into Oni. I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I think what hurt worse then Leera’s supposed death was not being trusted. Being suspected. I had been honest anytime I was asked about Leera. Gave up the potion Leera had given me before my namesday. Yet… To not be trusted by the head marshal… That is a wound worse then Leera’s supposed death. I refuse to see Oni until he apologizes to me. I didn’t deserve that treatment.
I asked Felix to come over to my house an share drinks with me. I needed to drown the pain. I know Felix and I never agreed over the whole Leera thing. Yet… Felix has always been someone to listen to me over drinks. I was glad for his presence. An his attempts to make me smile an laugh with his teases. It helped to further soothe the pain and lift my spirits. There may have been talk of me trying to learn to use a sword. Which lead into the teases from Felix.
Nate came by not long after Felix left. Yet I only remember parts of what we talked about. I remember asking him to take me to where Leera had been supposedly killed. I wanted to see. I know there is probably nothing for me there yet I want to go. I want to see. He made me promise though that if Leera showed up that I contact him. He doesn’t trust Leera alone with me. I changed the wording of the promise some but we did come to a compromise. I told him I would contact him if I knew he could be around. Otherwise I intended to protect myself if I was alone with Leera. Though honestly… I’m not sure how effective it would be. I’ve watched Leera feed. At most if Leera meant me harm… I could only defend myself an hope to escape.
I guess Nate carried me to bed or I managed to stumble there myself. I can’t remember how I got there. Anyways I should find some work. Keep myself busy. Keep my mind away from the hurt. Distractions. Yes I need distractions…
(Sort of backdating this entry a bit. Cause I meant to have this done an posted before the holiday. An I don’t want to put the happy stuff of the holiday with the darker stuff of this journal entry. So this happened before the starlight party. I want to say she wrote this the day before the party. Personal Mentions: @jonahsage @kindlingdusk @onidephor @sunshineandlotus )
The last many days… I’ve been bounced between so many varying shades of emotion. Pain, emptiness, sadness, anger… Fear. Love. Hope.
Our last mission was going well enough. Though the cards predicted it would be a rough night. A night we could pull through together. We did. But… There were some very rocky bumps in the road this night. The worst part was whatever that device was that threw us all into memories. Memories meant to cut an bleed us dry.
It felt like being back in that very moment. The memory was literally that vivid. I could actually feel the pain all over again. I was forced to replay that moment once more. As if the nightmares had never been enough. To relive the moment before I nearly died. To be brought back to that brink… To see those sneering Imperial faces hovering over me once more… Even as Konner set us free I found myself stuck hovering at the edges of that pain.
Dusk’s voice was the first thing I heard. I heard her calling out to me. Bringing me back from that trauma of the past. I forced myself to stand once more. To put one foot in front of the other again. However I was hesitant enough in moving that I believe I worried Quarcy. His concerned hand on my shoulder was enough to finish dispelling the hold that memory gripped me in. I was able to keep going forward with the mission. Though I took the time to slip on my half-mask, relishing in the comfortable feeling of it upon my face. Hiding behind that mask.
I returned to the house after the mission with the intent to help at the ward with any injuries. However I found myself a patient instead. I should not have worn the jacket into the heat of Thanalan despite the extra protection it offered. Rhisi forced me to lie down an rest before I fell over from the heat exhaustion that was winning out. I only remained long enough to regain some of my strength. My mind was too restless with what happened. I returned to my own room instead.
I spent the next few days at my house, turning away even my cousin. I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want company. Though after a day I found myself back at the Order’s house. Dusk was sitting near the fireplace with tea. Tea sounded really good right then. She offered some to me as well as her ear to listen to what troubled my heart.
I explained it all to her. The events of that day outside of Castrum Occidens. My desire to kill and be killed. Only for my life to be spared in the end. Saved by my Uncle and his companions. Leon… I admitted to how broken I was afterwards. Not understanding why I was still alive back then. Her words though helped to soothe some of the pain that plagued my heart the last few days. Dusk and I might not always see eye to eye… But right then I was grateful for her warm presence.
Life returned to relatively normal for about a day. Apparently though at dinner I found I had missed something important. There was so much tension. Rhisi pulled Nate and myself aside. We were told about an incident in the Order’s past before either of us had joined. An incident involving Oni and the siblings. An Castrum Occidens…
I was warned about Leera being invited into the house. Damn it… I couldn’t sit there an argue with Rhisi though. I left things at that. Choosing to say very little.
I found Nate in the garden the next day. I had intended to head to Wineport. Alone if needed. This was my problem. I couldn’t take the chance that the Order could end up in another situation like that again. If I was forced into Occidens right now… I would be useless… Unable to function… A liability.
Nate however offered to help me. I wanted to refuse. Didn’t want him to watch. Didn’t want to show him just how truly broken I am… Yet… I allowed him to come with me. To be my anchor. To force me home again if I found myself unable to keep going. Because I trust Nate.
I forced myself to go as close to that Castrum as I could. Tried so hard to push further. Yet my legs gave out on me. My body turned traitor to the memories of that day. All I could do was sit there on the ground an tremble like a leaf. Damn it all… Nate’s presence and voice were all I could grasp. I wanted to do better. Yet I had failed… I allowed Nate to sweep me back off to the house.
I will try again. As many times as needed. Until I can overcome whatever part of me I broke that day. I will become stronger. I will not be a liability. Nate offered to continue helping me with this problem. Sweet gentle Nate…
I have not gone back again yet. I have gotten too caught up in the preparations for Starlight. I did though manage to run into Leera in Gridania while running errands for my mother.
Leera looked bad. Well physically he did. I asked him about the attack on Lance. He insisted he couldn’t remember. He seemed honest enough in his answer. He also seemed to be far more emotional then usual. I tried to convince him ‘Father’ is just using him. It didn’t work. I tried to change tactics. Tried to sympathize. I do want to help him. Be his friend. Yet for all his praise towards that man… I still feel he would be better off without that man in his life. Forcing him to nearly freeze to death… Driving Leera to the brink of madness if my cousin’s words were to be trusted. I’m not sure I made any progress. Though I feel I understand a bit more. As well as a bit of the way Leera thinks. I did get him to allow me to heal the physical damage though before I left. I think I may have caught him just a bit off guard with calling him my friend though. Yet his words of warning me not to get in trouble for his sake were touching.
Anyways… I better get finished with those Starlight decorations.
“Merry Starlight, my family.”
@jonahsage @sunshineandlotus @chocobohealer @onidephor @eyesseeingbeyondtheveil @kindlingdusk (And! @ikara-esho even if you couldn’t join us.)
Spirit of the Warlock 